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Will meeting someone new heal heartbreak?

(38 Posts)
Toedipper Mon 29-Jun-20 14:22:41

In a state of heartbreak is it possible to find someone who will “fix” how you feel? Or is this just wishful thinking hoping the pain will go away?

Also, is Tinder worth a go? Never tried any sort of online dating ever.

Feel a total wreck at the minute. Just split with my fiancé recently and don’t know where to turn, I don’t deal with loneliness we’ll at all. Any advice would be great. I’m a 34 year old straight man if that makes any difference 🤷‍♂️
Thanks

OP’s posts: |
Sally2791 Mon 29-Jun-20 14:30:26

Please don’t expect someone else to fix your pain, it’s not appropriate or fair. If you having a hard time much better to lean on family friends counsellor and only when you feel strong and back on form, to consider dating.
Sorry for what you are going through, sounds tough

Limpid Mon 29-Jun-20 14:30:28

No, and it's not fair on the other person who gets embroiled with someone who's still hurt after the end of another relationship and in no way ready to get involved with someone else.

Janice83 Mon 29-Jun-20 14:34:56

Oh boy no. If you don't deal well with loneliness you need to work on that first before going back to dating. Also, Tinder or any OLD site are ruthless. You really need thick skin.

Sorry that you're dealing with heartbreak and not in a good place. Perhaps try to take up a new hobbie or erxecise, it does sound cliche but it works to keep your mind busy and focus on yourself. Time does help to heal. Good luck.

litterbird Mon 29-Jun-20 14:36:26

Please, please, please don't jump into the nearest relationship to fix yourself. You will do untold hurt to the new one and you will not experience what it is like to work through your pain and come out the other end a better, stronger and happier person. If the pain is too much please get help. You will be a wreck for some time. Avoid all women and relationships right now. If you want to look at OLD be up front with any woman you talk to and tell them you just want company and friendship. By all means meet for a date but don't latch on until you are healed.

MrsTerryPratchett Mon 29-Jun-20 14:39:13

No. Because even if that person would be great, there's no space for them right now.

Great time to develop your skills at being alone. Look at it was a challenge.

Livandme Mon 29-Jun-20 14:48:30

Spend some time on your own, going to new places and doing new things. Not fair to get involved with someone to just use them.
You need to love yourself before you can love someone else.

Summertime87 Mon 29-Jun-20 15:02:13

No you're gonna have to ride out this pain, cry your eyes out, not have any sleep, feel as though you're on the floor broken, all of that. It will pass though. No harm in talking to women online, there will be loads of similar people to you that are lonely

Cherrybakewellard Mon 29-Jun-20 15:04:09

It's called rebound for a reason.
I cannot understand people who can't be on their own.
Please work in being comfortable on your own before bringing anyone else into your life, especially so if you have kids.

SpiderStan Mon 29-Jun-20 15:28:40

No, and nor should you expect someone to fix you.

Meeting someone new will only distract you from the heartbreak, and not indefinitely. It's likely your heartbreak will creep its way back into your life again. You might find yourself unfairly comparing someone new to your ex. You might find yourself unfairly wishing you were with your ex. That's not fair on someone new coming into your life.

Unless you're talking about just having a bit of fun to distract you. In which case, as long as it isn't hurting anyone, go for it!

Online dating: Tinder never worked for me or anyone else I've known. POF however.. my sister met her fiance on there, and now 6 years later, they are about to get married, they have a mortgage and a baby together and I have never seen my sister so happy. But that's not guaranteed.

BluebellForest836 Mon 29-Jun-20 15:39:48

Iv personally found it helped.

It’s a distraction Having someone else to message and chat too and as time passes you start thinking about the other person less and less.

ellsom Mon 29-Jun-20 15:45:04

From my experience, when you meet someone new on a rebound, you just transfer those feelings for your ex onto someone else so it gets heavy and intense too quickly and then as you get over your ex you're left with no feelings for the new person you are with so you move on and leave them feeling how they found you.

Hearts heal but it takes time.
Start with yourself, you need to be in a good place before you move on so if you're ever in this situation again you know you'll be fine.

wheresmymojo Mon 29-Jun-20 15:58:23

My gran used to say 'best way to get over someone is to get under the next one'

She is a narcisstic arsehole though so I'm not sure her advice is the best 🤷🏻‍♀️

Bunnymumy Mon 29-Jun-20 16:04:51

Nope.

Gotta get used to being in your own company. If you struggle with that then it might take some time but it's worth doing.

Toedipper Mon 29-Jun-20 18:30:32

Thanks for the responses and advice.

I’m not saying I want a serious relationship immediately after coming out of this one (it’s awkward, we still love together and she’s pretty much seeing someone else every day) but I just think I really need some female company (not necessarily sex) it would help and make me move on from hoping to sort things out with my ex (which I feel is a non-starter)

I’m just lost and lonely atm

OP’s posts: |
MrsTerryPratchett Mon 29-Jun-20 21:14:30

I just think I really need some female company (not necessarily sex)

Have a think about why. Is it an ego boost, is it company and you're assuming women will be more understanding. Is it sex really. That's OK as long as you are very honest.

DO you have good mates? Because working on that before a new relationship is important.

Toedipper Mon 29-Jun-20 21:20:52

MrsTerryPratchett

*I just think I really need some female company (not necessarily sex)*

Have a think about why. Is it an ego boost, is it company and you're assuming women will be more understanding. Is it sex really. That's OK as long as you are very honest.

DO you have good mates? Because working on that before a new relationship is important.

Yeah admittedly it might be for an ego boost, I just don’t know.

I’m lucky I’ve got good mates, don’t have family to turn to really. I do get on well with women, always have done for some reason.

OP’s posts: |
Techway Mon 29-Jun-20 21:25:04

What do you hope to achieve by female company? Why are you so afraid of loneliness? Any feeling negative or positive never lasts forever.

Sure it can be a distraction to date quickly but that is using someone else to mask your pain, which is narcisstic. Think about it, what can you offer someone else, other than a superficial relationship that will soothe you. Is that fair?

Heartbreak is like an injury, you have to clean out the wound to let it heal properly.
If you just cover it up it might appear less painful but it will be worse in the longer term.

Heartbreak doesn't last forever, believe that you ARE strong enough to cope with the strong emotions. Take this as an opportunity to grow rather than avoid pain. It really will make you much more emotionally healthy in the long run.

Limpid Mon 29-Jun-20 21:44:00

I’m not saying I want a serious relationship immediately after coming out of this one (it’s awkward, we still love together and she’s pretty much seeing someone else every day) but I just think I really need some female company (not necessarily sex) it would help and make me move on from hoping to sort things out with my ex (which I feel is a non-starter)

Gosh, it's all about you, isn't it? What would be in it for the hypothetical 'female company', other than a man who's hung up on his ex, still living with her, still hoping to ;patch things up with her, and just looking for an ego-boosting shag as distraction?

CodenameVillanelle Mon 29-Jun-20 21:45:54

No, you should definitely not do this. If you're open and honest about your emotional state on dating sites nobody will want to meet you, so you'd have to pretend you were able to offer something that you patently aren't which would be dishonest and manipulative.
You need to deal with your heartbreak before you even think about dating

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 30-Jun-20 00:01:57

I'll admit I did this once. Rebound bloke who I was very honest with. I told him I wasn't interested in a real relationship but he fell anyway.

He was a great bloke and he didn't deserve the shit show I brought to his life. I hope he's happy because he was far too good for me at the time.

Don't do it to yourself or someone else.

PurpleTrilby Tue 30-Jun-20 01:49:56

Mate, best thing I ever did for myself was Choose to be single for a long time after a break up. For me that was 4 years, really helped me see the woods for the trees. I was not celibate, but I was crystal fucking clear that a relationship was off the table. Until it was not. Found my absolute soul mate at that point.

DeeCeeCherry Tue 30-Jun-20 06:57:54

Maybe. I used to be a great believer in taking time out after finishing a relationship and being heartbroken. Didn't believe that old saying about quickest way to get over a man is to get under another one. When LTR finished I hid at home for couple of weeks, a mate told me not to mope. Fake it till you make it. Went out with a relative one afternoon, met a guy & had a fling for 7 months. We both knew it was casual and I had so much fun going out & about with him as well as the sex, that I just forgot about my ex. Stopped missing him. Yet back when we finished I couldn't even imagine kissing another man, much less sleeping with one. I really was distraught.

Once the casual was very amicably over I more got on with things I'd started doing anyway. Exercise, other stuff that made me happy. Holiday, new job. Dated very occasionally, 3 years later met lovely current DP.

We're all different I really don't think you can base your decision on other peoples' way. Looking back I'm glad I didn't sit nursing my wounds for years as it were. Life's too short, why should I? If you want a casual hook up as long as the other person is on board/you don't lie and string along someone who's actually looking for a relationship, then it's ok. Tinder is good for that. Mind you I know 2 people who married their Tinder partners.

Toedipper Tue 30-Jun-20 13:57:02

A few posts to reply to so here goes...

It’s not all about me, no. Yes I’m at the lowest point of my life, but I have to try and move on, I can’t keep sitting crying to myself while my ex is sitting in another room probably talking to this new guy. I need and want to interact with someone new, is this selfish? Maybe. But I’d be upfront with my situation and they might be in the same boat and want the same thing from me?

Like @DeeCeeCherry said you need to take your mind off things and try and heal yourself. If this is in the form of causal sex or meeting up for a coffee, who knows?

Part of me wants to stay single, but I also need company,‘working from home for 12 weeks hasn’t helped my loneliness problem, this isn’t including finding out my fiancé has met someone else while still living together, I wasn’t prepared for it (again my fault - but I’m still shocked and devastated)

OP’s posts: |
Bunnymumy Tue 30-Jun-20 14:04:23

I think you need to focus more on leaving that house. Or shifting her out. Depending on the ownership situation.

No way would I stay under the same roof as someone who cheated on me if it could at all be helped.

I think you need to bolster your ego that way. By making a decision about what's what. By leaving/telling her to leave you would be reclaiming any self respect you felt she took away by cheating like she did.

You need to stand on your own two feet. Not play the 'well I can see someone too' card. It will just look petty.

Get away from her first, then see about new company.

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