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My best friend won't admit to her wrong

(41 Posts)
Holyjebus Mon 29-Jun-20 12:27:41

So this is a weird one, I'm hoping for some thoughts on this...
When I was 14, I had a really close best friend who I'll call Deb.
I got with my first ever love, I'll call him Dan, who I was crazy about. We lasted for a year together and I truly thought he was 'the one'.
Deb admitted to me one day that she had been with Dan behind my back. It truly broke my heart. He denied everything at first, but eventually admitted he had been sleeping with her for months behind my back! Me and him never had sex, so this was a really hard thing for me to hear. anyway, we broke up and I moved on.
I met other guys and since moved to Australia. I always kept in touch with Deb but years after, we lost touch.
So 25 years later, through Facebook, me and Deb got back in touch.
We had never fallen out over it but lately I find I can't stop thinking about how she never apologized for it!
I tried to broach it with her online but she kept changing the subject.
She's a lonely person these days after having numerous affairs and her children no longer speak to her.
I'm a happily married mum of two boys.
Am I crazy to pursue this 'friendship' or is is something she may not have been able to help? I personally feel she's the type of woman who always wants what she can't have?
So she's now in her 40s, deeply lonely and her husband has full custody of her kids. Her family don't talk to her.
I'm just so confused, I'd love to go back to our friendship but I need her to own up to her actions and admit she was wrong. AIBU?

OP’s posts: |
TARSCOUT Mon 29-Jun-20 12:29:11

She probably doesn't even remember. You were kids, let it go.

Holyjebus Mon 29-Jun-20 12:30:41

@tarscourt thank you, you're probably right 🙂

OP’s posts: |
VettiyaIruken Mon 29-Jun-20 12:32:00

YABU (Unrealistic!)

Look at the mess she's made of her life. She's not going to apologise and admit her part of the blame because that would likely mean looking at her affairs and the fact her children don't want her in their lives.

It would honestly be better to not have her in your life because you aren't going to get the apology you're hanging on for

MrsDaveGrohl78 Mon 29-Jun-20 12:32:22

Why would you want to be friends with her?! After her numerous affairs how could you ever trust her around your husband?

Holyjebus Mon 29-Jun-20 12:32:30

Sorry, I meant Tarscout!! 😂

OP’s posts: |
Angelonia Mon 29-Jun-20 12:33:06

It’s up to you whether you want to continue with the friendship, but I think YABU to expect her to apologise for something that happened 25 years ago when you were both kids. You need to forgive and forget, OP.

Limpid Mon 29-Jun-20 12:33:14

Hang on, you're in your forties, just reconnected through FB after a 25 year gap, and your first thought is to want her to apologise for sleeping with your boyfriend when you were both FOURTEEN???

You're joking, right?

Delbelleber Mon 29-Jun-20 12:34:55

I wouldn't bother rekindling the friendship. Sounds like she hasn't changed.

IShineAShoe Mon 29-Jun-20 12:35:10

What do you want from a friendship with her? She sounds like an awful person if everyone she has had close want nothing to do with her. If you are quite happy to have a friendship and you are confident it would be a positive one, then best to put the past in the past. From what you’ve described, she’d be the type of person who would make everything about her, and have no issue putting her needs before your own.

GilbertMarkham Mon 29-Jun-20 12:36:03

Stop trying to have a friendship with her. She had no integrity or sense back then (to be fucking her best friend's boyfriend) and it sounds like she still hasn't got any.

She sounds like a bit of a disaster area.

She was at fault too (not just your bf of the time) and why did she take months to tell you (?) Maybe she thought he'd for her and when she finally realised he wasn't going to do it, decided to droo him in the it's unlikely it was even out of any consideration for you that she finally told you.

Some women always end up as other women and in cheating situations. They have a pattern. Sounds like she's one of them. They're best held at the end of a long long arm, as casual acquaintances.. if even that.

She's not going to apologise because she's not a good person and doesn't appear to have grown or changed.

MiddleClassProblem Mon 29-Jun-20 12:39:19

I have no idea why this would need an apology now. The fact that you feel you need one and she is someone who in your words “had numerous affairs” you are probably not compatible. You sound over sensitive and paint her as callous.

frazzledasarock Mon 29-Jun-20 12:40:04

Why’d you want to be friends with someone who betrayed you in such a spectacular way? She didn't apologise then she won’t now.

The mess that her life is now should tell you she’s not changed much.

Drop contact and be happy.

BlueBirdGreenFence Mon 29-Jun-20 12:42:08

This is bonkers! You cannot raise this with her. Either put it behind and rekindle your friendship or don't. Best advice I ever seen was on here. Sometimes you have to pick if you want to be happy or right.

Newbiehere123 Mon 29-Jun-20 12:43:48

I wouldn't even bother with her but to be honest, a friendship on FB isn't really a friendship anyway. You just keep in touch, follow her activities and like her pictures and not take it forward. I think if you lived in the same country and she was family maybe I would understand that you want some sort of closure as you have to see her, but you're not and probably never going to see her or have the same kind of friendship you did 25 years ago. Also, she doesn't seem to be the type of person that will accept fault and apologise, if she was that type of person I'm sure she would have had a much successful family life herself and not be in a situation where she has had numerous affairs, broken marriage and family not talking to her. She's on the floor already so I would say don't kick her with something that happened 25 years ago smile

SunbathingDragon Mon 29-Jun-20 12:43:57

Considering you kept in touch with her for a while afterwards and then had a 25 year gap, I’m guessing this happened at least 30 years ago. She probably doesn’t remember or else it doesn’t really register that what she did upset you so much - especially since you continued being friends with her after finding out and are only bringing it up now. If anything, she is probably much more focused on her more recent behaviour and whether that contributed to her marriage breakdown and loss of custody.

I’m not sure what you think you will get from a friendship with someone on the other side of the world that you only have a few years from when you were children to base your feelings on.

As for Dan, why do you give him so much headspace? He was repeatedly unfaithful throughout your first relationship and although you were just kids, it clearly meant something to you to be this hung up all these years later. You’re older than me and I can even remember my obsession’s name when I was 14!

Holyjebus Mon 29-Jun-20 12:44:06

Thank you so much everyone, I love the honest, no shit replies on this forum 😊
You're absolutely right, I don't need or want her in my life.
She keeps hounding me with Facebook messages at the minute, probably because she's messed up her own life!

OP’s posts: |
FizzyGreenWater Mon 29-Jun-20 12:44:22

Good lord of course she remembers! You don't forget sleeping with your best friend's boyfriend for months when you were teenagers grin

Yes of course one perfectly valid answer is that you were only teenagers, get over it. That's absolutely true. You need to let the apology thing go for that reason - it is kind of pointless to focus on that because the automatic answer is 'we were only kids'. it's what she'd say if you pushed it with her.

However it doesn't change the fact that she did a shitty thing to you as a best friend, even then. And now it doesn't look as if she is exactly the kind of person you'd want in your life. Feel sorry, yes, keep vaguely in touch, but you've got good reason for not wanting to pursue the friendship and I think the apology thing is your instinct telling you that she's really not a great person.

Arm's length.

JustAnotherDay555 Mon 29-Jun-20 12:51:55

I'm actually wondering how you never fell out over it in the first place. I know you were 14-15 years old and I know it was a very long time ago but I would have been extremely hurt and I would never have been her friend again after that.

But you must have had reasons to continue the friendship. I would work out what those were, was she supportive in other ways for example? , or was it because your self esteem was so low that you didn't think you deserved a better friend?

Depending on the reasons, it's time to either end the friendship or get over it.

It was a big betrayal at a delicate age . You're allowed to still have feelings about it. But it's for your own mental health you need to try and find a way to let this go one way or another .

Spied Mon 29-Jun-20 12:55:29

Move on.
What's she going to add to your life apart from simmering resentment.

Cocobean30 Mon 29-Jun-20 12:57:58

I wouldn’t get back involved with her tbh. Doesn’t seem like she has changed or learned from her mistakes

GilbertMarkham Mon 29-Jun-20 13:08:52

She keeps hounding me with Facebook messages at the minute, probably because she's messed up her own life!

Disaster area - back away gently and keep it very long arm or no contact at all.

Also, teenager or not, she's a scumbag for shagging your bf behind your back fir months back then, and as I said she didn't seem to tell you out if any consideration for you; more like it had become clear she got v sick of being a side chick or he dropped her, she fell out with him and dropped him in it for revenge.

itsbetterthanabox Mon 29-Jun-20 13:10:09

How old was Dan?

PatsyJStone Mon 29-Jun-20 13:11:17

I would also say what true quality depth will rekindling this friendship bring to your life?
If she’s hounding you with FB messsages, just reply after a few days, keep it light and don’t get into becoming her counsellor or best friend as a shoulder to cry on. She must have other friends in real life who are closer in geography and years.
You have had many years without a friendship, it won’t be the friendship you had before.
It’s nice to find old friends, mostly, but when it becomes a hassle, maybe take a step back?

Thingsdogetbetter Mon 29-Jun-20 13:16:51

Even if she hadn't shagged your bf, and you hadn't lost touch, that friendship is long gone. The type of friendship you have at 14 is nothing like a friendship as an adult - you can't get it back. They can evolve, but they're not the same. And why would you want to recreate a friendship where the 'friend' was lying to your face and shagging your bf for months?

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