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My EA partner won’t accept its over

(30 Posts)
Violet30 Mon 29-Jun-20 07:42:30

We’ve been together 12 years and got 2 children together and a mortgage.
He’s always controlled the money and everything in the house. Told me I’m not allowed to look a certain way etc stonewalls me all the time when I’ve done the tiniest thing wrong. Has no patience with the kids angers quickly etc.
So I ended things about a week ago, and he refuses to accept it, he got angry and tried to smash up my phone scared the living shit out of me tbh.
But now he’s swearing he’ll change and that he’ll get us a joint bank account, I can do anything I want, he’s suicidal etc
He wears me down constantly asking me and begging me for another chance.
I don’t even know what I’m expecting from posting but I guess just for some emotional support or anyone else been in this horrible situation before?

OP’s posts: |
cece Mon 29-Jun-20 07:46:30

He's using classic manipulation techniques . He won't change. Stay strong. Remember why you finished it in the first place.

Sign up to do The Freedom Programme course.

clpsmum Mon 29-Jun-20 07:47:21

This is just another form of abuse and control, get away from him as quickly as you can. DO NOT FEEL BAD! You are doing what is best for you. Contact women's aid and women and children first and the police if you need to. He will never change. You are doing the right the thing. Sending strength and hugs your way xx

slipperywhensparticus Mon 29-Jun-20 07:47:39

Leave fast as you can

Crossroads19 Mon 29-Jun-20 07:49:18

Firstly well done for telling him. I've recently done this and know how very hard it is.
Do you have a an in place as to what you want to happen going forward re housing etc?
Do you have any real life support?
I have found myself massive wavering as I am conditioned to try and 'fix' the situation. I think this is normal. Remember you are not responsible for him x

hellsbellsmelons Mon 29-Jun-20 07:52:20

It's still all about him isn't it?
He's not concerned about you or your mental health.
Just tow the line and get back to looking after him.
He's an abuser - well done on getting out.
He cannot change.
Not without some intense and long therapy.
And if he does that, he shouldn't be with his victim at the time any way.
It takes 1-2 years.
Is he prepared to put the time in, away from you??
Of course not.
So how does he propose to change?
What are his next steps in changing himself?
Nothing to do with joint accounts or anything.
What is HE going to do to stop himself being abusive?
I suspect there is no plan in place for this.
Please stay away.
You ended it. You've done the hard bit.
Now do some googling on 'hoovering' look up 'hoovering abuse'
Get education so you know what to expect.
Well done OP.
Now stay strong and save yourself and your DC from a lifetime of abuse!

boymum9 Mon 29-Jun-20 07:55:35

I'm sorry you're going through this. I've been through it too and still 1.5 years later I still get given tactics from him to make me feel guilty about leaving and the things he'd do to change and threats of his emotional state even though the last 1.5 years has been filled with awful behaviour from him (stalking, hidden cameras etc) I still end up feeling bad and guilty and like crap, so I would take on others suggestions of things like the freedom programme, write everything down, the bad behaviour and how it makes you feel so you remember how you feel always. Stay strong, enjoy your children, find new independence and don't entertain what he's saying to you even though it's hard. thanks

ivykaty44 Mon 29-Jun-20 07:57:30

He’s telling you he’ll change whilst still controlling you - so not changing at all... the irony that he can’t see

He’s blackmailing you to control you, I’ll let you do this if you do this for me - that isn’t how healthy relationships work.

Can you leave and take the children with you? Can you contact woman’s aid? Emergency housing?

TorkTorkBam Mon 29-Jun-20 08:02:11

You need a plan for living separately until then you are at risk psychologically and physically. You may be best off appearing to be won over for now. Meanwhile call Women's Aid and make an exit plan. You can tell him the relationship is over by phone from your new place when you and the children are there.

You call him DP so I guess you are not married.Is the house in both your names?

Violet30 Mon 29-Jun-20 08:03:10

Oh my goodness! All these comments have given me strength, I’m constantly doubting if it’s really as bad as I thought it was etc
It’s so hard isn’t it.
I could go to my nans but he’ll probably follow me and I could be there for months with my 2 small children and my Nan is 88 bless. I don’t think she’d cope with the stress 🤣

OP’s posts: |
Violet30 Mon 29-Jun-20 08:05:51

Yes the house is in both our names. Not married. I have asked him to take me off of the mortgage as he pays for it all anyway. But he needs to ring them as he has to prove he can pay for it on his own if I did leave. Do you think I should ring them anyway and explain the situation? I get scared that they’ll ring him or something and he’ll find out I’m trying to escape.

OP’s posts: |
Violet30 Mon 29-Jun-20 08:06:51

I was thinking of doing this I think it would be safer, he seems to get agitated and angry when I keep stressing that it’s over. So maybe just pretend I’m thinking on things whilst I desperately try and get out ?

OP’s posts: |
TorkTorkBam Mon 29-Jun-20 08:09:20

Do you part own the property?

TorkTorkBam Mon 29-Jun-20 08:09:43

I would pretend if I were you.

megrichardson Mon 29-Jun-20 08:12:34

I agree with Torktork. I have learned from this site that abusers are at their most dangerous when they know you're about to leave. Start planning because he really is never going to be any different, as you know, and leave without warning.

Bananalanacake Mon 29-Jun-20 08:15:30

I would go to your nans. He can't follow you and stay there too, if he does you can get him removed.

JustBeingMoi Mon 29-Jun-20 08:19:51

Classic manipulation you will need ignore and harden yourself to in order to survive. I left my husband over a month ago after several years of overt verbal abuse, but almost certainly many more of of control and emotional abuse. As I have got stronger, he has tried to exert more control, and this is what has sauces the situation I removed myself and my daughter from.

Since this time he has swung from being reasonable and almost remorseful, to utterly vile and abusive, blaming me for everything, guilt tripping me, using every trick he could think of.

It has taken a lot of support from my family to stick to me guns this time and resist the nasty nice cycle. And even then there were times I thought there may be some hope! Is he out of the house. If not try to find a way he can be. The space from my husband gave me the ability to see things with more clarity than I have done in years. It has helped me see things clearly in a way I never would have been able to with hkm at home, because I'm so muddled by his nasty nice cycle and the very misery of trying to get through each day.

I would also say, start building a support network if you don't already have one. I have been doing this for a reasonable amount of time now, and it has been a real force for strength and clarity. For a long time I kept friends and family in the dark about what was going on, although they were more aware than I realised. I started opening up to them. It gave me clarity about what was going on in my relationship and some support. I had also told close friends what was going on. They have been amazing, and have been a source of endless support when I doubted myself. Family and friends will be so important going forward. They have helped me see what was going wrong, and give me the clarity that what he was doing was actually wrong, something I doubted at times. This helped me stay strong in my decisions. Asi say, I'm only 5 weeks in. And I have a long way to go. I'm also doing some counselling to help me going forward.

Be kind to yourself. Rest, give yourself a break, do things you love. But first and foremost get the abusive may out of your house. You will never have clarity of thought and peace of mind if you don't. Then I suggest going forward with the grey rock method with him, of being incredibly unemotional and uninteresting. They have a nack of say emotive and incendry things to get a reaction. Give bland responses, don't react and feed them! Be firm with him and stick to your guns.

Good luck lovely. Mumsnet is a base of wonderful support and has helped me get to this point. There are some great people on here who are always willing to share advice and strength. You can do this!!!

KatnissK Mon 29-Jun-20 08:28:59

Please don't go back! Very similar situation in my family - female relative told us her husband had been ramping up abuse over the years and now was locking her in the house when he was out, had taken her mobile phone, stopped her accessing the bank acct etc. She got out but he made all the promises in the world, wept and wailed, went to counselling and so she returned. The nice guy act lasted all of 2 days and then it was worse than ever. Luckily she managed to let one of her brothers know and they went to get her. She's staying with one of them now. Please don't believe the crap and don't go back!

UggyPow Mon 29-Jun-20 08:29:07

I have not been in this situation, however I read another post the other day where more experienced (sadly) people advised taking photos of all financial info - it’s doesn’t matter if he actually pays the mortgage (it’s both of yours) & you need to think of the children’s long term future.
They also recommended getting/taking all passports, birth certificates & ID -
If your Nan is your safe space then go there she will probably love having you around & will definitely cope.
Be wary of things escalating & get your children & yourself safe.
If he turns up where you go to, you may have to call the police.
Please keep updating on here so people know you are okay

Violet30 Mon 29-Jun-20 09:34:25

Thankyou everyone so much it’s made me cry, it’s overwhelming the kindness you are showing me: I really appreciate it. Xxxxx much love and thank you for the strength you have given me. I will do this I can do it!

OP’s posts: |
Butwhhhyyyyyyy Tue 30-Jun-20 08:50:31

Your not alone op, I don't feel I can't put it into words fully about my life but I am struggling to find out who I am, without the abuse, coercive control and bullying and caring for various family members all my life, it's hard to realise I don't know who I am now, but I will bounce back to a degree for DC and me.

yesterdaystotalsteps123 Tue 30-Jun-20 09:02:21

My abusive xh walked out as a control tactic and I didn't let him back. Slightly different situation but what I will say is the abuse always continues post separation. I reported his emails (blocked emails go to spam) because I perceived them to be harassing me. The police took his emails very seriously. You have lots of options including a non molestation order, if he threatens you they will arrest him. It's not an easy path but I'm now 8 months in and I feel like s completely different person. This is the tough bit but keep seeing your future without him and how free you will feel.

Violet30 Tue 30-Jun-20 13:18:46

Thankyou everyone. It’s continued today I told him again it’s over and he’s rushed back from work, begging and begging and as he’s realised it’s over now and I’m not changing my mind he’s started threatening to tell our LG today after work: I said this isn’t fair as we haven’t sorted housing for us yet etc she doesn’t need to know yet, he is getting nasty started saying I’ve ruined it for the kids I’ll destroy our LG mentally.
Anyways I wanted to ask if any of you ladies know of anywhere I could get free solicitor? I know it’s very unlikely but I need to as he won’t take me off of the mortgage to allow me to try and get housing with the council. Help me confused

OP’s posts: |
hellsbellsmelons Tue 30-Jun-20 13:41:48

You won't find a free solicitor.
But call around some family solicitors in your area.
Some will offer a free half our and some may offer a reduced 1st appointment.
You try the legal page on here as well.

Unfortunately he can't just take you off the mortgage.
That is a whole process.
Do you know what he earns and how much the mortgage is?
He could get up to 4 times his wage so if he can't do that with the info you have then the house will need to be sold.
Is there equity in the house?

As a 1st step, I'd get a couple of estate agents around to value it.
Get some legal advice.
Then take it from there.

ShebaShimmyShake Tue 30-Jun-20 13:42:57


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