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A little advice

(22 Posts)
ThatGuy44 Mon 29-Jun-20 02:49:45

Hi everyone.

I wanted to see what people’s thoughts were on something. I’m most likely being really silly but maybe need an opinion.

Six weeks ago I began chatting to someone via a social media platform. We exchanged numbers and clearly had a connection or “clicked”. The messages went to phone calls and long conversations to FaceTime calls.

She then invited me to go and stay with her as I live a distance away from her and agreed to that. We met last week and I couldn’t believe how beautiful she was and how much we got on. I came home on Thursday after agreeing with her not to put a label on what was going on and to take things slowly. Which due to the distance is just going to have to be the case.

Friday went by as normal, texts, phones calls and FaceTime calls. Saturday I spoke to her in the morning and then she went to a party. She came home later and called me explaining she wasn’t feeling well and was feeling sick after drinking too much at the party. If I’m honest I wanted to drive down to her so I could look after her. The next day I spoke to her in the morning via FaceTime, when I got home she FaceTimed me again. When on a walk I called her and then I spoke to her before bed. All of the calls have been cut shorter than what they were before we met though.

Now this is going to sound really stupid but would you say she is still into me, I mean I like this girl a lot. She is beautiful, smart, intelligent, funny, kind and caring. We have similar taste in music and tv, she likes me how I look and actually think she could be the one and I don’t want to do anything to put her off. Obviously telling her this is a big no no and saying anything like this too soon maybe put her off.

So my questions are, do you all think she is into me am I being daft for worrying about it and how do I keep her interested in me and what I have to offer without over stepping the mark and wanting too much to soon.

Can I ask her directly how much she likes me or is this a big no no too? I want to let her know how much I like her but not sure how I do this and be subtle at the same time!

Thanks all in advance. I’m not a weirdo or anything like that I’m just a guy who wants this to work...

OP’s posts: |
Shoxfordian Mon 29-Jun-20 06:57:33

Sounds like it's going well
Don't overthink it and keep messaging her, as long as she's replying to you. Have you planned a second date?

ThatGuy44 Mon 29-Jun-20 07:00:15

I’ve sent her a copy of my shifts so we will see what she can do. She is back at work today, so hopefully she will let me know

OP’s posts: |
Shoxfordian Mon 29-Jun-20 07:02:31

All sounds positive then
The start of a relationship is supposed to be fun, try to relax and enjoy things

JustC Mon 29-Jun-20 07:28:19

It sounds promising. Do try to calm down a bit, love bombing can be a red flag to alot of women, as that's how future abusive men start a relationship.

whatayearitis Mon 29-Jun-20 08:05:36

As you begin to get to know her try and get to know when is the best times to contact her.
After a night out everyone's tired.
The realisation of what sort of relationship this is or could be may be best to discuss sooner than later.
Now she may be mentioning and being advised by friends and family.
I would let her know your smitten but tread lightly we all need a balance of life.
How lovely it is to hear a man being like this.

ThatGuy44 Mon 29-Jun-20 09:18:45

I’ve just read about love bombing. He ex did that and although I have treated her to a few things when I went down, I’m certainly not a bad person and certainly not a narcissist or trying to control her.
I need to keep it fun and let it take its course. But I honestly really do like her though 🙂

OP’s posts: |
JustC Mon 29-Jun-20 09:48:35

Nobody said you were controlling. Just that she might be wary of someone who presents the same signs, even as genuine as you are. Treats are fine, teling her you really like her is fine, just try not to rush things. Goodluck

ThatGuy44 Mon 29-Jun-20 10:15:24

Oh no I didn’t think they were saying I was.

Does anyone think discussing love bombing with her and telling her I’ll respect her boundaries might be best. I didn’t know much about love bombing. I’ve read up on it and now understand how my actions could look like that. But actions speak louder than words and I don’t want to put her off...

Thanks again all

OP’s posts: |
JustC Mon 29-Jun-20 10:23:00

I guess you can just tell you just realised you might seem percieved as love bombing, but you will respect her boundaries if/when she raises one.
I think it's gotten this name fairly recently. It's basically when someone controlling gets full on straight away, creating a sense of fairytale love to the other person, to draw them in before they get a chance to actually see the red flags.

Ragwort Mon 29-Jun-20 10:23:43

No don't tell her, that would be really off putting, just calm down and enjoy taking things slowly. And with respect, you've only actually met her once, you really can't be 100% sure she is 'the one'.

JustAnotherDay555 Mon 29-Jun-20 10:37:22

In worries that you're going to get hurt here , what was the discussion about not putting a label on things , and who instigated it? Just , to me , it seems a slightly odd to do at this early stage? I could be wrong though. Also, you sound quite young and you obviously really admire this lady which is lovely , but you are very invested. What age are you?

ThatGuy44 Mon 29-Jun-20 18:42:18

I’m not that young actually I’m 36 years of age.
We both instigated the discussion. We both stated that we were worried about being ghosted due to previous potential partners doing exactly that. She said she didn’t want to rush anything as she rushes to quickly into things and didn’t want to label it as it would put pressure on what ever it was. I said I was worried about being put on the “friends shelf” and she said she wouldn’t do it. We agreed to be exclusive and that was that.
But since I’ve got back it just hasn’t been the same as it was before I went down.
She has been busy and she has seemingly called me when she can but I suppose because I like her a lot I might be overthinking things...
Like I say I did give her my shifts to see when I can next go and she said she would look and let me know
So it’s hopeful, but I’ve been let down too many times by people who have just been flakey and said “your a nice guy but just not for me”

OP’s posts: |
sangrias Mon 29-Jun-20 19:04:44

I think you should cool off slightly it's all very new. Let her call you when she wants to and is available.
You don't want to put too much pressure on this so early on.

ThatGuy44 Mon 29-Jun-20 19:39:33

@sangrias I do I only ever reply to text messages when she sends them and she calls me, unless she has asked me to call her specifically

OP’s posts: |
Crystalspider Mon 29-Jun-20 19:41:06

Not putting a label on things makes it seem a bit casual, you are exclusive though so why is it not a relationship? some people are so scared to say what they really want. If a man said that to me I would think they didn't actually want to be serious and don't want to hurt my feelings by saying they don't like me enough to say i'm their girlfriend for example.
If it doesn't feel right to you then it probably isn't

BramberryCustard538 Mon 29-Jun-20 23:35:56

Well , I think if what you say "she called when she can" (let's ignore the seemingly) is true then you should smile and try and enjoy the feeling of that.

People get busy, nowadays I always think of it as they are off living life and having experiences and it's more to talk about when we spend time together.

I think this insecure feeling might be coming from you and not her.

I've been where you are when I was younger and I know it can feel difficult. I would use this as an opportunity to begin to learn to both give and take space for each other within the relationship. It really does make it healthier.

I think it sounds hopeful , and you should relax a bit. At the end of the day none of us knows what's going to happen in our romantic ( or other) relationships but you have a good start here, you are both being open and honest with each other.

I really wish you the best .

ThatGuy44 Tue 30-Jun-20 02:51:36

Thank you @BramberryCustard538 and @Crystalspider for your comments and thoughts. Thank you all.

I spoke to her this afternoon/evening. She said there was something bothering her which is why she has felt it difficult to chat as much. I honestly thought she was going to end it there and then. Luckily she didn’t.

I spoke to her about love bombing. I explained that I’m more of a gentleman rather than a love bomber. I told her that I believe that chivalry isn’t dead and I believe that little signs and tokens of appreciation is the right way forward.

She said that she didn’t like me calling her baby and using childish names in conversation and that she felt like I was being a little bit full on. She also said that when I went to see her she didn’t like how I got into her personal space and showed to much of personal displays of affection.

She said that she really likes me and asked for my thoughts. She said that she didn’t want to make me feel like I had to change who I was as a person. I said that I don’t mind changing some things about me if it’s going to make her feel more comfortable around me and it’s not necessarily about changing me but respecting her boundaries and being more about what she wants.

It’s a strange thing when you talk about dating someone and having to play coy as you don’t want to put them off and scare them away. You ultimately want to show them you like them but by doing so you could infant turn them off.

My only last question is would sending her flowers in a weeks time be the right thing to do. Or do you think it would be to over bearing and to much of a personal display of affection. It’s the sort of thing I would do but I’m trying to get into her psyche and not put more pressure on her by doing this...

OP’s posts: |
Randomness12 Tue 30-Jun-20 06:49:01

Oh my, please listen to her!

Her behaviour has changed and now she has told you why - you’re too full on. So your answer to this is to send her flowers? Invade her personal space with your gift?

I think you need to calm down and back off. It sounds like she’s been treated badly previously and you are too intense for her.

You have only met her once!

I’m sorry if this is not what you want to hear, but honestly you sound a bit creepy. Wanting to drive down and take care of her because she is drunk? Discussing her previous relationship issues and offering yourself up as an antidote? It all feels like too much, too soon. I think you should leave her alone and see if she instigates anything further. Sorry.

763freedom Tue 30-Jun-20 06:54:20

Agree with pp, you seem like you are being a bit intense. You aren't going to be able to force something - if it happens it happens. It won't happen if you don't listen to her.

You need a distraction to take your mind off her and stop being so full on!

JustC Tue 30-Jun-20 07:38:13

Mate, you don't need to get into her psyche. She has told you openly you need to cool down. You are really not listening. Calm the f down.

BramberryCustard538 Tue 30-Jun-20 09:47:24

Agree with PPs , if you write down everything she said and really reflect on what she meant and how she wants things to be different, then this is what will pay dividends. It's so easy to keep pushing towards when someone is pulling back, make efforts to pull back and she will may start coming forwards. When things are happy and in a more even keep them send flowers. Send them now her only thought is " he's not listening to me"

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