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Those who understand domestic abuse, how does this go?

(19 Posts)
Suewiththeredford Sun 28-Jun-20 22:33:27

My husband is very financially abusive and controlling and I have instructed a solicitor to draw up the petition for divorce. He hadn’t accepted any of this, I think he thinks it will all go away somehow, and is carrying on as normal. I fear he will go nuclear when he finally sees it in black and white. sad

He has no history of violence towards me. However I am scared of how he will react. I know I’m asking for a 🔮 crystal ball but what can I do to make this is smooth as possible?

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1235kbm Sun 28-Jun-20 22:36:18

Are you still living with him OP?

Suewiththeredford Sun 28-Jun-20 22:40:01

Yes. He says it’s his house. It isn’t, we bought it together. We have 3 primary children.

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Gin4thewin Sun 28-Jun-20 22:41:40

Call the police lovely, report his behaviour and tell them exactly what you said above. Good luck, and well done you. Xx

user12699422578 Sun 28-Jun-20 22:43:35

You put your safety first.

You take advice from Women's Aid and the police as appropriate.

You call the police immediately if things are escalating. You do not wait for him to be trying to kill you before you give yourself permission to call for help.

You accept that abuse is all about control, so there is no way for you to break free of his control and continue to pacify him - submitting to his control is the only thing that will pacify him. Therefore plan accordingly.

Prioritise your safety, not trying to pacify him. That's just you continuing the cycle of abuse he's trained you to follow.

user12699422578 Sun 28-Jun-20 22:45:26

Coercive control is a crime.

1235kbm Sun 28-Jun-20 22:52:00

OK. Your instincts are right. His behaviour is likely to escalate. What do you want to do?

Suewiththeredford Sun 28-Jun-20 23:03:50

I don’t know. I’d like him to understand that he needs to leave, ideally calmly and sort out a place for himself. Not make a huge emotional scene in front of the children.

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Suewiththeredford Sun 28-Jun-20 23:26:20

I’m so used to trying to pacify him that my first instinct is to show him the petition and ask does he want any amendments, so that he’s forewarned and won’t explode when it arrives.

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Suewiththeredford Sun 28-Jun-20 23:27:06

User1269 “prioritise my safety” - I’ll focus on that, Thankyou.

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1235kbm Sun 28-Jun-20 23:48:33

OP why would you present him with a divorce petition in front of the children?

He's abusive so I suggest you prepare for the fact that his behaviour will likely escalate. You can do this by packing a bag for yourself and the children and hiding it. What to pack is here.

You need to make a safety plan which you can read about here or contact your local domestic abuse organisation which you can find here.

Make sure you have copies of all financial documents (your solicitor will tell you what you need) before he knows because he's financially abuse so he'll screw you over financially OP.

Do you have anywhere to go in case things become unbearable as he's likely to contest the divorce and the financial settlements. I hope your solicitor is DV trained so she knows how to deal with him.

Dial 999 if he become violent or threatening.

Yellowshirt Sun 28-Jun-20 23:53:32

Good luck getting the police and anyone else to support you with your financial abuse.
I asked Halifax bank and west Mercia police to support me when I left my wife who had full control of my finances for 8 years and left me with £20000 of debts including a £7000 Halifax overdraft and 3 County Court Judgements.
Despite being able to prove the abuse with bank statements no one and I mean absolutely no one will support you.
Just to warn you also your ex will deny everything with regards to money and my ex also turned violent to try and control me and again despite me reporting this to the police with evidence of a black eye they did nothing.
My ex is now keeping our house and continuely lying even to our teenage daughter to cover up her tracks.
I wish I could help you but due to my exes continued lies I am actually mentally in a worse state now than ever.
The lack of support destroys you.

Suewiththeredford Mon 29-Jun-20 00:01:37

1235kbm I wouldn’t present it in front of the kids. But we are all at home together all the time.

I’m making a note of all those links and their information, Thankyou. X

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Suewiththeredford Mon 29-Jun-20 00:01:58

Yellowshirt what did your solicitor say?

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1235kbm Mon 29-Jun-20 07:51:02

Apologies, I misunderstood what you said.

Aknifewith16blades Mon 29-Jun-20 08:04:31

Leaving is often the most dangerous time in a DV relationship; sadly, if you are concerned about violence you should listen to your feelings.

Talk to Women's Aid and make a plan to leave safely. Rights of Women might be able to help with advice about how to handle the legal side of things.

Coercive control is a crime, and I would also think about contacting the police.

Yellowshirt Mon 29-Jun-20 17:58:18

The solicitors are only bothered about assets like the house and savings.
They shrug there shoulders at anything else and say pay debts off, get seperate bank accounts and move on as your fighting a losing battle and it will cost you more and more for virtually no outcome.
Even with the evidence her solicitor is refusing to acknowledge she abused me and says it is of no significance with regards to the divorce and the financial settlement.
I assumed the abuse would help in my fight to keep the house for myself and my daughter but at the moment it's having no effect. The fact it is being totally denied and ignored is absolutely destroying me.
If you make any progress please update me as I'm banging my head against a brick wall and I'm ready to give up.

Suewiththeredford Mon 29-Jun-20 18:20:41

That sounds very frustrating. Why did you leave?
I’m aware conduct is of little importance in matrimonial dispute and am only relying on it as a means to demonstrate unreasonable behaviour.
Don’t the debts come off the joint pot?

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Yellowshirt Mon 29-Jun-20 18:54:06

The debts are being paid off together but only I have the ccjs on my credit file.
I left thinking it was temporarily but my ex had it all planned so she could keep the house and cover up her lies.

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