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Help me leave

(106 Posts)

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Crass12 Sun 28-Jun-20 17:09:57

I tried to post 3 times and every time I get to the end I choke and delete

20 years with an abusive asshole - how do you leave without losing everything you worked for?

He’s currently in hospital for at least the next 4 days

AIBU to ask if it’s worth shutting up and putting up if it makes the youngest DC happy? Or do I just dump him while he’s in hospital?

OP’s posts: |
TheBouquets Sun 28-Jun-20 17:12:02

It is a good opportunity to change the locks or alternatively move away. Depends if your house is owned or rented I suppose.
You might face some backlash from family particularly his side for dumping him while he is in hospital

TimelyManor Sun 28-Jun-20 17:17:15

Good on you for holding your nerve this time, OP. You could contact Women's Aid first thing in the morning, they have loads of experience in helping women and children get out of abusive situations.

No, it's not worth shutting up and putting up but you know that. You've got as far as posting which was difficult enough, keep that momentum going flowers

BraveGoldie Sun 28-Jun-20 17:17:42

In the long run I am sure your DC will be much happier not living in an abusive household ... at best, suffering from seeing mum being abused. At worst, if also turning on them....

Do it, for you and them!

I wish you all the best, OP- and well done for posting!

GabriellaMontez Sun 28-Jun-20 17:18:23

Dump him. Life's too short.

Youngest DC will get used to it.

What is your situation?

qwertyuiop098 Sun 28-Jun-20 17:20:09

Well done OP for coming to your brave decision. Lots of good advice here.

Home42 Sun 28-Jun-20 17:20:41

I left my (non-abusive) husband. Took DD about 6 months to really get over it but after that she was at least as happy as she had been living with both of us. You don’t need to put up with the abuse. Leave and love your kids and they’ll get past the upheaval pretty quickly!

AntiSocialDistancer Sun 28-Jun-20 17:22:17

4 days, biggest change of your life.

You should go for it, right now. Dont be his nurse as well as his stick to beat.

Pollony Sun 28-Jun-20 17:23:12

Please leave/change the locks/ contact womens aid whatever you feel you can feasibly do. Do you have somewhere to go? People think kids arent affected or dont know it's happening but they do. Well done for being strong now you just have to take the final (and admittedly the biggest) step and leave the bastard

Crass12 Sun 28-Jun-20 17:23:28

I work FT he is a SAHD. I have been trying to better myself and earn more, it’s been hard work but I am starting a vocational placement through work so my earning potential will go up again in 2 years all being well. I just feel that I am working for nothing more than paying bills and subbing H
I pay for everything apart from his tobacco

OP’s posts: |
Takingontheworld Sun 28-Jun-20 17:25:45

Do it now. If this is your only chance then go.

Don't choke. You CAN DO THIS.
Save yourself. Save your kids. No one else is coming to save you.

flowers be brave

DramaAlpaca Sun 28-Jun-20 17:26:39

Grab your chance and go, now. Or if you can't physically leave now, start putting things into place so you can - move personal possessions to a trusted friend's house, get important documents together, sort out money.

I wish you the best of luck flowers

SmileEachDay Sun 28-Jun-20 17:27:25

Hi OP.

What do you want to do?

What can you feasibly do right now?

Crass12 Sun 28-Jun-20 17:28:53

I contacted womensaid but in the end didn’t take the help.
The children love their dad and I tried to leave 2 years ago. I don’t have any support network, no friends and I’m estranged from my family. The only other people I talk to is work colleagues and my 2 eldest children. He said if I went I couldn’t take kids as I’m antisocial and I’ll ruin their lives. I suppose it’s true in a way, I don’t have any friends so in turn I’ll not be helping them because I’ve become reclusive

OP’s posts: |
Crass12 Sun 28-Jun-20 17:31:05

I am currently in a council house. I’d happily give it to him and rent private but he isn’t on tenancy agreement. He won’t l won’t leave as he says it’s his only home he’s had and I’m a c**t for wanting to take away his security

OP’s posts: |
Takingontheworld Sun 28-Jun-20 17:31:28

Are you estranged from family because you want to be?

If not, can you call them. Tell them you need help?

Xxxx

Crass12 Sun 28-Jun-20 17:31:39

I want him to never come back to be perfectly honest

OP’s posts: |
SmileEachDay Sun 28-Jun-20 17:31:51

You can contact WA again - it’s really common for women to have several dry runs before they go.

Do you own the house?
How old are children - are they little if he’s a SAHD?
Are there bridges you could build with family/friends, so you have some RL support?

Crass12 Sun 28-Jun-20 17:32:51

No I love my family. He hates them and I’ve been too weak to stand up for myself

OP’s posts: |
SmileEachDay Sun 28-Jun-20 17:34:03

Contact your family OP.

Take it from there.

Wilberforce1 Sun 28-Jun-20 17:34:44

Don't give up your council house for him, change the locks while he is in hospital and let him know he can collect us stuff at an arrAnged date/time. He isn't on the tenancy so if he wants rehousing then he can go to the council. You can do this.

Crass12 Sun 28-Jun-20 17:36:58

@Wilberforce1 I did that 2 years ago. While I was at work he got someone to change them again. He then said the kids were now scared of me so I let it go

OP’s posts: |
summerfruitssquash Sun 28-Jun-20 17:37:51

Another vote for changing the locks, is there anyone you could call to be there for you when he returns? Put all of his stuff in bags and chuck him out

Crass12 Sun 28-Jun-20 17:38:35

I’m scared to contact my family again. It’s not fair on them to keep putting all my problems on them. I feel like a failure

OP’s posts: |
Crass12 Sun 28-Jun-20 17:40:38

@SmileEachDay
They are 9 and 15 so not little. He won’t work because he has a bad back and with COVID because he has COPD so shielding

OP’s posts: |

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