Husband’s Deflecting and Unkindness

[LollylolaPops8866]

Hi,

I’m posting here because I don’t really know where to turn. I’ve been with my husband for 15 years and married for 8 years. We’ve had a rocky marriage over the last few years but over the past year it’s got worse. I find he deflects a lot and can generally be unkind at times, for example, I recently attended my Nan’s funeral and because I didn’t have time to get anything to wear over the past week, looking after children (who are currently off school) and husband working full time, I didn’t have time to get an outfit to wear and he said I was very unorganised and that it was my fault i didn’t have anything to wear and said I knew my Nan was going to die, so should have got something sooner, unfortunately I’ve found nothing since internet shopping due to most things being out of stock but settled with what I had in my wardrobe, I told him to stop because what he said was unkind, he then brought it up again just before going to my Nan’s funeral and upset me further. A few weeks ago he also said to me he couldn’t wait for my cat to pass away because she suffers with incontinence and she sometimes poos in inappropriate places, this too upset me. I told him that these things were unkind and upset me and he instantly deflected and tried to turn things around on me and when I said he was deflecting, he accused me of being childish, he tried telling me that I was always unorganised because dinner is often later than normal due to home schooling etc and didn’t acknowledge the fact I said I was hurt by what he said to me. I feel very hurt and can’t see a way out of this and can’t continue my life the way things are. There are other things but there’s too much to explain. In his eyes, I feel I can never do right....I need to be free from that!

[DevoniteHam]

Did you even ask your husband for some time to get the clothes you needed as shops are open now. My Hubby is really busy and doesn’t like to be disturbed but he’d have the children for an hour if i needed it. I’d like to think anyway. Sorry but i don’t like cats, but if he want it gone it must be pretty bad. The poo thing that is. What do you want to change to make life worth living. What other things. I hope your nanna had a nice send off and wake up x

[LockdownHairdo]

The OP shouldn't have to 'ask' for time for herself, they are his children too!

OP, does your husband do anything around the house, spend time parenting his own children? Do you get time to yourself? He sounds like a bully to me.

[NoMoreDickheads]

Sorry but i don’t like cats, but if he want it gone it must be pretty bad. The poo thing that is.

Something like this might annoy someone, but a decent person wouldn't say to his wife that he wished her cat would hurry up and die.

[sunflowersandtulips50]

Sorry about the loss of your nan. Your DH sounds emotionally disconnected and rather nasty... your not happy at have said that in your OP. this man spends more time putting you down rather than showing you love and consideration...time to focus on yourself

[DevoniteHam]

Um i rekon the OP will have asked at some point if he minded having the kids and he’d have prob done it. I respect my man working as he brings in money and i have friends less fortunate. To the point they asked us for money to help theough these tought times. Sorry thats just me.

[Gulabjamoon]

@Devonite are you for real?

It's so disheartening when the first response to an OP is really bad advice.

OP, you've lived with this crap for 8 years, don't waste another 8 years on him! You deserve so much better.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

@DevoniteHam

Um i rekon the OP will have asked at some point if he minded having the kids and he’d have prob done it. I respect my man working as he brings in money and i have friends less fortunate. To the point they asked us for money to help theough these tought times. Sorry thats just me.

I work. I bring in money. I didn't realise that meant I could be a lazy arsehole the rest of time. Or is that just men?

[OhamIreally]

@MrsTerryPratchett that's just the men. Women are not allowed to get away with that shit remember.

[DevoniteHam]

I haven’t offered advice. I asked for more details based on what the OP said. Maybe the poi t never made it across to you. The OP hasn’t said he was a lazy arsehole. She never mentioned that he doesn’t contribute.

[DeeCeeCherry]

It's sad you found out the hard way that without kindness, your relationship is dead in the water. I finished with an ex years ago now, long-term relationship. He had form for cutting remarks. During relationship I lost my best friend, she suffered an epilepsy attack alone at home. I was so upset I cried - I happened to look up for a moment & through the mirror I saw that the expression on my ex's face was gleeful. I didn't say a word just made plans to dump him. In the week that took, he told me often that I needed to get over it, he'd also seek me out when he knew I was sad, and pick arguments. There are no circumstances under which I'd advise any woman to stay with an unkind man. He got the shock of his life when I left. 3 years later & after lots of lovely
me-time I met my lovely DP. I could kick myself for having wasted 7 years, on the other hand it could have been much worse. Get rid & live your life OP, no man is worth all this.

[1235kbm]

Oh my god. Who the actual fuck does he think he is? He sounds really arrogant and entitled OP. Complaining that his dinner isn't on the table when you've been homeschooling all day? Does he have broken hands? Why can't he make the dinner for the family?

He very obviously sees you as 'less than'. You are less than him and he isn't interested in your 'nagging' - which is the misogynistic term for having to listen and make changes.

He doesn't care about you OP. He wants you to look after his children, keep his house clean and have his dinner on the table. His maid doesn't have 'needs' and has no right to tell her Lord and master about these 'feelings'. I'm surprised he doesn't look for a reboot switch because you're malfunctioning.

You're meant to put and shut up OP, don't you know that?

[Vanilla95]

I love cats and have had many , incontinence is hard for any animal , if it’s due to old age so no coming back from it please consider euthanasia- it’s the kindest thing .

[LollylolaPops8866]

I should have been clearer, he said he would have the kids on the Friday morning, so that I could pop to the shop to get a blouse but he also went into work that morning and arrived later than expected, it didn’t give me enough time to go to the shop and collect my mother to attend the funeral too, so I said I would just wear what was in my wardrobe, he then quite abruptly told me I was unorganised, I hadn’t previously had any time to go to the shops previously, as we have three children and two of them wouldn’t understand the social distancing in place due to their age and with the current situation I wouldn’t feel safe taking all three with me. I told him that he could have taken the day off to help make things easier for me (he will take time off to play golf) but said he would never take time off for me being I’m unorganised, I told him I didn’t agree and that I didn’t have time because of being with the kids 7-5:30 everyday but again I was happy to wear what I had in my wardrobe, he then continued to escalate it even after we stopped the conversation and to say ‘You knew your Nan was going to die anyway!’ seemed a heartless thing to say to me. He makes a fuss out of things that aren’t worth making a fuss about, like if dinner is 10-30 minutes late, even though I’ve had a long day, he’ll still give me crap about a late dinner.
Regarding saying he can’t wait until my cat passes away, it hurt a lot, she’s 14 years old and means a lot to me and although she sometimes has problems with incontinence with her bowels, I accept her condition, which is not her fault and I always clean up after her, it’s not her fault.
I’ve always seen my husband as emotionally detached but I’ve also realised recently how much he deflects, the fact I told him that he hurt me and how I felt, only for him to turn things around on me and tell me how unorganised I am and bring up petty things that aren’t even real issues, has made me realise I can’t carry on like this.

[Sexykitten2005]

Shit some people will really put up with anything and still be grateful. How low is your self esteem Devoniteham that your first thought is to victim blame the OP. I’m often glad to be single when I read shit like I’m supposed to be asking for a partner to mind their own children for an hour and I have to be a doormat because someone else works. I work too.

Lollylola it sounds like your husband is trying to find anything to hurt you with. He hasn’t been supportive and It’s not a way I could live. Can you leave him? Do you have the resources available? Is the house rented or owned. What do you want to do?

[ThePathToHealing]

He sounds like terribly cruel person, deflecting any criticism (beyond reproach) and will make any pain you feel worse. So your grief about your nan, your worries about providing and your concern for your cat seem to be being used against you.

A relationship built on trust involved sharing things that are important to you and making them vunerable to the actions of others. Your husband is not trustworthy, it also sounds like he won't be held accountable for his actions.

I think most people would struggle in that kind of environment. Do you have anyone in real life that you may be able to talk to? We're all here of course but the more support the better.

[Sexykitten2005]

Oh and you keep telling him when he’s upset you even if he deflects. They are your feelings and they are valid! Don’t let him persuade you otherwise. A loving partner wouldnt want you to feel that way

[Aerial2020]

If I was told the dinner was late because I was home schooling, I would tell them to make it the damn dinner themselves.
What a prick. How dare you not feed your husband on time. What a sexist thing to say.
Dies he like putting you down?

[LollylolaPops8866]

@Vanilla95-She is an older cat (14 years old.) She is still in good health (recent blood test showed her kidneys and thyroid were good), so euthanasia isn’t an option for me just because she sometimes has problems with incontinence and although I know it’s frustrating at times both for me and my husband, I won’t euthanise her because it’s inconvenient, I adopted her to look after her regardless of any medical problems and i will continue to do so, however, if she was in pain then off course I wouldn’t allow her to suffer.

[DevoniteHam]

Sorry it wasn’t my intention

[LollylolaPops8866]

@Sexykitten2005 I don’t really have anyone to talk to sadly, my parents are older and it’s not something I feel I could discuss with them, no real close friends, I have friends who are parents of my children but not to discuss such personal matters with. I am currently unemployed and will be until September when my children return to school and I can find a job. We do have a mortgage, so I would be entitled to some money to help initially.

[Tappering]

Devonite - it's worth bearing in mind that not everyone has a partner who is supportive and reasonable. And that projecting your own experience - I bet if you asked he would have done it - is actually quite unhelpful and can come across as tone deaf. In the OP's case it sounds as if her partner has deliberately sabotaged her by coming home so late that she didn't have time to get anything. Bullying someone - because that's what her partner is doing - is unpleasant enough, but doing it to someone who is grieving is just vile. And no amount of financial contribution excuses it.

OP, your H sounds like a nasty bully. Have you got family that you could go to?

[Sexykitten2005]

Then use until September to get your ducks in a row. Try to put some money aside, get all your documentation photocopied, would you be able to store important things like passports etc at your parents house in the meantime? For now just grey rock him. Everytime he gets angry just ignore it like you would a child’s tantrum. You know this is not you, it’s not your fault. So don’t let him get in your head

[NoMoreDickheads]

It's really nasty going on about you being disorganized when you'd just suffered a bereavement. And if he'd arrived back on time you might've had time to get an outfit.

‘You knew your Nan was going to die anyway!’

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF.
---
I wouldn't say all this is 'deflection'- it's nastiness. You tell him when he's hurt you, and his response is to have ago again.

I agree BTW- I wouldn't kill a cat for incontinence if they're not particularly in any distress/pain. And either way, he shouldn't have made that comment.

[DevoniteHam]

@tappering Its difficult to type with expression. So i get it. X

@LollylolaPops8866 Would you be able to move out and look to market the house or look to maintain the house so the children are not too disturbed?

[Tappering]

I wouldn't say all this is 'deflection'- it's nastiness. You tell him when he's hurt you, and his response is to have a go again

^^ This.

I wouldn't kill a cat for incontinence if they're not particularly in any distress/pain. And either way, he shouldn't have made that comment.

Keep the cat, ditch the arsehole bloke.