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Ex husband is a twat

(69 Posts)
Ail12385 Sun 28-Jun-20 10:36:43

Hey so my exh and I split up a couple of years ago and there have been a lot of disputes since, mostly regarding money. Would be interesting to hear your thoughts.

Firstly our shared house was under his name and he paid all the bills related to that and our shared sons childcare. Aside from that I paid everything else and spent a few years either at home with our son when he was born or at uni. So he got to keep the house and paid me a token amount to buy me out.
Another point to note is that we bought that house in a more expensive area so our son could go to a good school.

Once all that had been sorted he started asking if I would contribute towards our sons childcare (approx 350 per month). I said no because I wasnt claiming child maintenance at the time and had every right to do so, so I certainly wouldnt be giving him money.
He said if I wouldnt pay that he would cancel the childcare. And if I claimed child maintenance he would be forced to move house, meaning our son would have to move school.

Am I being unreasonable or is he definitely a twat?

OP’s posts: |
Weenurse Sun 28-Jun-20 10:40:57

How old is your son?
Can he afford to stay there or does he need to accept he has to sell?
How is care shared?

Ail12385 Sun 28-Jun-20 10:44:05

Our son is 7.
Well he previously mentioned a figure of around £150 for me to give him so I cant think that amount of money is the difference between being able to afford to live there or not.
Care is fairly equal but I have him 4 nights a week and he has him 3 so I am the main carer.

OP’s posts: |
LouHotel Sun 28-Jun-20 10:48:44

Do you know how much he would have to pay via CMS?

Realistically you should be responsible for childcare costs on your 4 days and it's his responsibility to cover the other 3 days.

If CMS would be £400 a month even if he tries to stuff you for all childcare your still better off.

justanotherone123 Sun 28-Jun-20 10:52:35

He owns the house and paid for it so kept it.

Did your career suffer when you had your DS? If so you could claim for a payment to justify that?

Ail12385 Sun 28-Jun-20 10:55:13

@louhotel so if cms was 400, that would cover all the childcare and I'd make a profit. Sounds good. Is that fair though?

OP’s posts: |
Ail12385 Sun 28-Jun-20 10:58:06

Also that would totally screw him over which I'm all for.. but he would move house and our son would have to move school.

My career hadn't started when we had ds. I went to uni after that.

OP’s posts: |
helpmum2003 Sun 28-Jun-20 10:58:50

OP are you divorced yet? If not maybe you should seek legal advice as you sacrificed your career to bring up your ds allowance is made for that.

justanotherone123 Sun 28-Jun-20 11:01:23

Definitely seek legal advice as there maybe something you haven't thought of.

While you were at home with your son did his career flourish? Was he able to put money into a pension during this time but you didn't?

Ail12385 Sun 28-Jun-20 11:02:39

Not sure I sacrificed my career. I went to uni and he supported me while I did that. I am now in a well paid job.

OP’s posts: |
helpmum2003 Sun 28-Jun-20 11:03:21

It also sounds like emotional blackmail about moving school.

If it really is the case that he can't afford it then he'll need to move, either to a smaller house or new area. It doesn't mean your son would have to move school.

He'll hold it over you for years otherwise. Sometimes it just has to be accepted that lifestyle will change after separation. Are there no other decent school options?

Ail12385 Sun 28-Jun-20 11:07:33

To be honest the settlement payment has been agreed. I needed the money quick so I could buy another house for me, my son and my new partner. So I settled.
It's more the ongoing costs that are disputed. He wants to talk about me giving him money towards childcare but ive told him I'm not giving him anything cos I can claim child maintenance.

OP’s posts: |
MitziK Sun 28-Jun-20 11:15:05

They don't take children's school places away because a parent moves house.

Sort your own childcare out and it doesn't matter what he does.

FelicityPike Sun 28-Jun-20 11:15:34

I think you need to claim maintenance and pay towards childcare IF you use it on your days.
I take it it’s breakfast/ after school care?
Also, if your son goes to school and you’re the main address that you live in the catchment area too, therefore why would your son need to move school?

FelicityPike Sun 28-Jun-20 11:16:37

Or that you are still able to get your son to school...so again, why would he need to move school?

Diomum123 Sun 28-Jun-20 11:18:25

I

Ail12385 Sun 28-Jun-20 11:23:42

If I claim child maintenance that will cover the cost of childcare. Care of our son is almost 50/50. Is it fair that he pays all of the childcare and I pay none?

OP’s posts: |
justanotherone123 Sun 28-Jun-20 11:27:14

Does your ex earn significantly more than you?

Ail12385 Sun 28-Jun-20 11:31:50

Not significantly now. Does that matter?

OP’s posts: |
justanotherone123 Sun 28-Jun-20 11:36:30

If he earns more then he would pay more of the childcare. Also as you're looking after your son for 4 days and he is 3 says then he should be paying a greater share. Does your son need child care on the days you have him? If not then it's up to him to pay it all plus give you more for the extra night at yours.

NotaCoolMum Sun 28-Jun-20 11:37:50

If care is 50/50 will he be legally obliged to pay CM? I was under the impression that I’d he had the child 50% of the time he doesn’t owe maintenance? (I’m not sure though- that’s why I’m asking if anyone knows?)

NotaCoolMum Sun 28-Jun-20 11:38:08

*if

pog100 Sun 28-Jun-20 11:42:08

It sounds like you now earn similar amounts and have your child for almost equal time (4/3) and that you’ve had a financial settlement? I can’t really see what there is to argue about? One of you needs to claim child maintenance, unless you are in the tax bracket that makes it pointless? I can’t see why he should be liable for childcare on your days?

Ail12385 Sun 28-Jun-20 11:43:52

I actually looked into the cm. If exh has ds more, he would still owe me cm. Because we decided to put child benefit in my name when he was born. We were together at the time and I had very little money while he was earning.
Ds needs childcare every day. Both my days and his days.

OP’s posts: |
Ail12385 Sun 28-Jun-20 11:46:22

@justanotherone123 childcare is around 350 and he is suggesting me paying around 150 which would mean he would be paying more. Child benefit would cover most of my side.
We havent actually discussed figures properly because I refused to talk about it because that is like accepting that I will give him money.

OP’s posts: |

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