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No sex ever again?

(24 Posts)
spirallingCat Sun 28-Jun-20 09:51:41

I am married and been with my husband for 10 years since we were in our late teens. In the last 3 years sex has got less and less frequent, and soon became once every 3 months we would try. and by that, I mean it would last a few minutes before he would go soft.

It has caused a huge problem in our marriage - I feel frustrated, sad, unattractive, unloved etc etc.

A few weeks ago he finally went to see the GP but he didn't want to talk to me fully about what happened. He has had a blood test to check hormones but other than that there may be nothing more they can do. A few days ago he admitted he has no sex drive at all and he doesn't know if he ever will again. He said he doesn't even masturbate anymore and hasn't ejaculated in a long time.

He thinks I should support him as I promised to take him in sickness and in health. He knows I wanted to have a child at some point - he says he wants this too but he wouldn't consider using a donor if he can't do it. He says if he can't cope with losing both the prospect of having children and me at the same time if all of this doesn't get better.

As for me, I feel trapped and lonely - I cannot talk about this with anyone. It feels humiliating, I feel as if I am living the life of a nun in a prison I didn't choose. Has anyone been in this situation and did it get better?

OP’s posts: |
Lozzerbmc Sun 28-Jun-20 10:21:14

It doesnt sound like hes very bothered about getting to the bottom of the issue? Does he really want children?

Abbcccus Sun 28-Jun-20 10:28:31

You can't live the rest of your life without sex and the prospect of children.
You are still young and there are plenty of other men with libidos closer to your own. You don't have children to worry about.
The frustration and resentment is there already and will only grow, especially if you lose the chance to have a family.
I would consider leaving him

XiCi Sun 28-Jun-20 10:28:39

Has he had the results back from the GP? If it was a few weeks ago they should be back by now. In can be caused by low testosterone levels which can be treated.

DBML Sun 28-Jun-20 10:34:58

If he has no drive at all, it could be his testosterone levels.

My husband’s were low and sex/erections were declining, but after testosterone injections things are much, much better!

Initially my husband was given the gel. It made no difference and he requested the injections. It’s been a difficult road even to get treatment...the doctors told him his testosterone level was just outside the lower end of normal. DH looked it up and he was normal for an 80 year old! He had to fight for treatment. A good job DH isn’t easily put off, as I can see plenty of people accepting what the doctors say.

DH has also been given a repeat prescription of Cialis or Tadafil; which he takes to ensure his erections are hard hard. Though I feel he probably doesn’t need these anymore.

So the testosterone gives him the drive to have sex. The Cialis gives him the erection. Life is back to being good.

The key thing is that your husband needs to want to make this better. He needs to be able to talk to you about it and he needs to be confident about what he wants when dealing with healthcare professionals.

Nb: Testosterone treatment can kill off sperm cells and cause infertility. Your husband will need to get the right testosterone treatment to avoid this happening if you want children. He will need to tell his doctor that he still wants a family.

Anothernick Sun 28-Jun-20 10:38:37

So he is still in his 20s, has no sexual feelings and does not ejaculate?

This is very unusual. Men generally have a physical need to ejaculate regularly and their 20s most would do so several times a week. If they resist the desire - which is difficult - they will eventually have sexualised dreams and it will happen in their sleep.

It seem unlikely that your DH is asexual as you had a satisfactory sex life in the past so there must be a medical or psychological issue. A relationship rests on the understanding that sexual satisfaction will be provided in mutually agreed ways, if this is removed then the relationship will be at risk. At your age you could have 50 years of sexual pleasure ahead of you and if he can't provide it then it's time to find someone who can.

puzzledpiece Sun 28-Jun-20 10:44:48

You feel trapped and lonely. It won't get better. Save yourself and leave.

Quartz2208 Sun 28-Jun-20 10:50:43

You are sacrificing yourself for him - why? He won't do anything and is basically blackmailing you

Este67 Sun 28-Jun-20 11:04:14

The first thing to do is realise you are not alone & this is not your fault. There are so many people in the exact same situation as you but they aren't speaking about it because of how sensitive it is.
Secondly, whilst I think your OH has exhibited some selfish behaviour by letting it get this far & refusing to discuss the GP visit with you in detail, I also think it's really encouraging he went to a doctor because that shows recognition that there is something wrong and a willingness to do something about it. When this was happening to me, my OH wouldn't do anything at all about the problem despite saying he would, which is ultimately why I decided to split with him.

I think what you should do is try control of the situation. Set a timescale in your mind for how long you're willing to wait for OH to address the issue as things sound as if they have stalled in this area. Other posters have discussed some routes he could take, perhaps do some research and take it to him. Sit him down & clearly explain that you have your fertility to consider and you cannot and will not wait indefinitely for him to sort this out. Ask him if there's anything you can do to help/support him and don't let him get up until it's clear how long and how the plan of action for tackling this is going to go.

Please stick to your guns with what you decide, if you want a family you have to consider that your first priority as it's a time sensitive matter. From what you've said you are in your late 20s, you are far too young to just accept a life without passion. You deserve a full and loving relationship and if this goes on much longer your self esteem will start to gradually erode (it sounds as if this has started already) and that could hamper you in getting back into dating if you decide to leave your husband. I went 3 years without sex with my partner and I knew it made me feel sad but I didn't fully understand how much it wore me down until I started dating again. Try to prevent that if you can & be kind to yourself - you're in a very tough, isolating situation & you don't deserve to be. I hope things work out for you, take care x

Wyntersdiary Sun 28-Jun-20 11:05:05

I suppose its just up to you whether you could deal with no sex or the rest of your life?

I dont blame him as in its not his fault he has no sex drive BUT it also doesnt sound like he really cares about making it better ( so not to lose you) it is a decision that needs to be made re kids, future, sex etc because he most likely with always have a low sex drive.

peach1234 Sun 28-Jun-20 11:10:08

Me and my DH haven't had sex for 2 years since having a baby so I know exactly how you feel OP it's horrible feeling unwanted. I think for me if this had happened before having my son I would've left just for the lack of sex life. The thought of not having children alone would've been the nail in the coffin for me. Seeing it from the other side now I have had a baby is if you manage to conceive (sex life gets back on track etc) it will 100% go back to being like this again, if you're not having sex when you don't have the stress of a baby you definitely won't be when you're having sleepless nights and waking at the crack of dawn and he will think his work is done by giving you a baby. It will also be 100 times harder to leave with a baby to think about. You're very young you need to think even if you do have a baby do you want to live the rest of your life in a sexless relationship.

XiCi Sun 28-Jun-20 11:20:10

Do you have any sex at all apart from PIV? We went a similar medical route to DBML however during the period he couldnt maintain a erection we still had a a sex life, oral etc. I was still very much sexually satisfied just without the piv. We were at a different time of our lives though to you and already had children. Is he affectionate at all? Do you still kiss, cuddle etc.
You need to find out what the test results were. If he has low testosterone he needs to get treated. If not, there maybe something that could be explored via therapy. If he doesnt want treatment then the bottom line is you are not going to have children with him and if you want children you will have to leave him.

DBML Sun 28-Jun-20 11:26:58

Also wanted to say that if he does have low testosterone, there are more reasons than sex, to get it treated;

1. Low bone density and risk of osteoporosis
2. Depression
3. Weight gain and loss of energy
4. Lack of concentration
5. Reduction in muscle mass
6. Increased risk of heart disease

Ask him what his results were and do the research together. He doesn’t have to do this alone.

PicsInRed Sun 28-Jun-20 11:31:20

Are you still cooking and cleaning for him? Looking after the wife work? Maybe washing his clothes? Keeping up with his family ... so he doesn't have to?

I ask this because if you are doing even some of the above, you provide utility to him free of charge - and it sounds like he doesn't want that to end.

But what's in it for you? No sex, no affection, no companionship and no children unless you go through artificial insemination?

You could find a nice normal relationship. You should go and do that.

PicsInRed Sun 28-Jun-20 11:33:48

Mine had all the excuses (stress, work, tired etc) but the fact was that he wasnt interested in normal relations and affection but had acted "lovely" and "normal" just long enough to secure himself a wife.

There are too many men like that out there and lots of stories about them on here.

Bookoffacts Sun 28-Jun-20 11:37:29

Youre only young. Late 20s?
Most women have children in their 30s nowadays.
You should leave him.
You deserve a life too.
Imagine yourself at 55 never having had a sex life or the children you dearly wanted. You will hate him.

Alternatively insist on going into the doctor's appointment with him. Men are notorious at minimising problems to doctors and being fobbed off. Let them know your marriage is at stake. And his life with relationships too as he'll likely be single for the rest of his life.
Unless, (and I'm so sorry for saying this but it leads back to solution 1 of leaving him) he goes off with a pretty young thing, he will have plenty of sex with. (I only say because this happened to me with my ex.) Could be he's not that into you (anymore).
That is not your fault.
LTB.

maddiemookins16mum Sun 28-Jun-20 11:47:00

Why do threads always turn into ‘are you still cooking, cleaning and doing all the wife work’.

JustC Sun 28-Jun-20 12:13:49

Yes, well in sickness (and health) also means the sick person treats herself if there are treatments, no? Obviously it's up to you what you do, but if you miss sex, and he refuses to sort himself out to at least get a satisfactory fompromise for both, I don't see a good future.

Lilymossflower Sun 28-Jun-20 12:16:26

Divorce him and go have a baby with someone who is bothered about your happiness

AlternativePerspective Sun 28-Jun-20 12:25:16

Wow nothing like a bit of tolerance is there?

Clearly he has been to the GP and has had blood tests etc done, so obviously he does want to do something about it. Just because that hasn’t happened overnight doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to fix things.

If he became physically disabled and was no longer capable of having sex would people still be advising the OP to leave him?

There is clearly a medical issue here which needs resolving. It’s not the same as just deciding you don’t want sex any more.

Also, if you just don’t have a sex drive then these things just aren’t the same. Plenty of women expect their DH’s to go without for years because they’re co sleeping etc and nobody judges them for it, in fact if the man leaves he’s branded a selfish bastard. yet here we have a man with a medical issue who is also being branded a selfish bastard.

OP I would be encouraging him to go back to the GP and to fight for answers.

Dery Sun 28-Jun-20 12:30:08

"Youre only young. Late 20s?
Most women have children in their 30s nowadays.
You should leave him.
You deserve a life too.
*_Imagine yourself at 55 never having had a sex life or the children you dearly wanted. You will hate him._*"

This. Especially the highlighted bit. There are a host of things which can be done to fix this problem - it just requires some effort and work to locate those things (probably some kind of medication) and do them. It sounds like he really doesn't care enough to fix the problem.

But what you must NOT contemplate doing is giving up the possibility of DC because of him. He does not get to just decide that you can't have children unless he is directly able to father them. If he can't father them, he will either need to accept you using a sperm donor, or it may be better for you to leave the relationship altogether and find someone else.

It might not seem such a big deal now but it most definitely will in the future. And, since he is a man and assuming no fertility issues, he will still potentially be capable of fathering children into his 40s and 50s whereas you will have lost your opportunity. So imagine if he does something particularly obnoxious like leaving you for a younger woman with whom he goes on to have DC just as your fertility window is closing or has closed. This kind of thing happens and you cannot possibly know now whether or not it would happen to you.

madcatladyforever Sun 28-Jun-20 12:50:01

Sorry but it's not good enough to quote in sickness and in health at you then refuse to be honest and tell you what happened at the doctors (if he even went).
I would tell him that if he refuses to tell you the truth and won't engage with you completely honestly then you will be leaving.
Could he be gay or asexual?
It annoys me when men just clam up and refuse to talk about it.
You'll need a good long honest talk before you can even think about staying and he needs to know this.

PicsInRed Sun 28-Jun-20 13:23:34

maddiemookins16mum

Why do threads always turn into ‘are you still cooking, cleaning and doing all the wife work’.

Because I'll bloody bet she is - and he won't be leaving as he's got it made. So unless she actively leaves him, this is how the rest of her life looks. Celibate, housework, wifework, no kids.

He won't leave or agree that they split up (and may actually be extremely difficult to get rid of if/when she does leave).

Lucky0707 Tue 30-Jun-20 18:32:30

Believe me a sexless relationship is crushing. I have endured it for years. If he is genuinely unwell I feel sorry but a life without sex is hollow and you could easily end up slipping into depression.

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