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Advice please - 1st meeting, cautious

(47 Posts)
Shayelle2009 Sun 28-Jun-20 06:57:36

Hello, I would appreciate advice on this please. Been talking to a guy on bumble the last couple of weeks, we live about 20 miles apart. He works long hours and doesn't have a lot of free time. We’ve been keeping in touch as swapped numbers, via Whatsapp. We’re keen to meet and last night he said to me ‘give me your address I’ll come and see you tomorrow night’. I replied that he wasn't going to be coming to my house. He replied asking why not, I said I’ve never even met you. He replied saying fair enough but that hes just a normal guy and asked if there’s any parks near me where we can meet and walk his dog.

This has left me feeling uneasy... surely he can see why I wouldn’t want to just give him my address to come round one evening.. then asking me why not?! I’m not hugely experienced with online dating. Please can anyone say if I’m being overly cautious .. I believe he is genuine, he’s sent me photos of him with his family, we exchange voicenotes etc but for some reason I feel uneasy. End of the day he’s a stranger - though seems like a nice guy all the same.

Thoughts/advice for me please? What would you do??
Thanks x

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peppermintteadrinker Sun 28-Jun-20 07:06:27

I'd meet him at the park like he said. You're being sensible.

He maybe is just being dim but that's hetro male privilege of not having to be cautious when dating. Bluddy "why not" indeed. 🙄

litterbird Sun 28-Jun-20 07:09:49

He was trying his luck to get his leg over probably. Always be cautious.

joystir59 Sun 28-Jun-20 07:12:53

Keep safe OP, meet on neutral territory, not close to where you live

Shayelle2009 Sun 28-Jun-20 07:13:35

Thanks... got the impression he was a bit sulky about it as he took ages to come back with ‘why not’... though it was very late and he’d been working all day. I don’t think he’s massively experienced OLD either but I’m surprised he’d have to ask ‘why not’. Just set small alarm bells ringing..

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Lockdowners Sun 28-Jun-20 07:14:03

Lack of understanding why you might not want to give your address out to someone you’ve met on a dating site is a red flag. Be careful and watch out for any signs of him trying to push you further than you are comfortable with

joystir59 Sun 28-Jun-20 07:14:55

He is a complete stranger. And listen to that uneasiness you are feeling. You don't have to meet him is you feel uneasy about it. Remember that you owe this complete stranger nothing.

Shayelle2009 Sun 28-Jun-20 07:15:27

Thanks Lockdowners that’s what I thought.. it’s not really innocent is it. I’m worried about meeting him now but don’t know if I’m being overly nervous or jot.

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Shayelle2009 Sun 28-Jun-20 07:16:22

Thanks joystir. Just disappointing when you feel like you’ve connected with someone a bit but then this happens!

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AIMD Sun 28-Jun-20 07:19:43

Shayelle2009

Thanks Lockdowners that’s what I thought.. it’s not really innocent is it. I’m worried about meeting him now but don’t know if I’m being overly nervous or jot.

No I think your caution is totally reasonable, his questioning of your choice not to meet at your home shows a lack of understanding of basic boundaries.

If everything else has been great then maybe give the benefit of the doubt and see how it goes. Make sure you tell someone where you are though and don’t meet in a quiet secluded place (I don’t you would probably have done that anyway but I had to say it).

If you were not sure about going ahead with meeting before this is probably sack it off!!

Shayelle2009 Sun 28-Jun-20 07:22:53

Thanks AIMD. I just feel like if he’s off today why not have made a plan for a coffee or something. Instead of an evening walk in a park. Have a feeling it’s not going to happen now as part of me feels a decent guy wouldn’t be suggesting something that would make a woman feel cautious. But wasn’t sure if it was me being old fashioned or not 🙈

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TooTrueToBeGood Sun 28-Jun-20 07:25:54

You do not know him so under no circumstances should you give him your home address until you know he's not a psycho. Aside from that though, as soon as i read that he's warned you early on about his limited availabaility, my immediate thought was that he's married or in a relationship.

Needtogetbackinthesack Sun 28-Jun-20 07:32:12

Go with your intuition, if it doesn't feel right now, it probably isn't going to end well.

Having said that, I do think some people just aren't clued up on the modern world. My dad is old and sometimes gets tired and needs to sit down. I have to remind him not to sit in kids parks even though that's where the benches are. It might simply be a case of not knowing and asking for clarity, rather than questioning your decision. If you've clicked with him it's worth trying to see it as an innocent question and not reading the worst into it.

Fwiw my first ever online date picked me up from my house. It went really well, we are still together! Not all men are nutters, but you do need to be so cautious.

Shayelle2009 Sun 28-Jun-20 07:48:07

Thanks so much everyone for your thoughtful advice and taking the time to reply. @TooTrueToBeGood i am fairly sure he’s not married or in a rship. We message freely in the day and evening. He works long hours in the city hence the lack of availability. Its fine as I usually do too outside of this pandemic.
@Needtogetbackinthesack this is what I was wondering. Is it just general unthinking, also lack of options of places to meet at the minute because of everywhere being shut and he’s just keen to meet me? Or was there a sinister intention. He hasn't displayed any signs of psycho the last couple of weeks. He’s close to his family etc. It’s just hard to know isnt it 😔 I’m so wary x

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Onceuponatimethen Sun 28-Jun-20 07:54:45

I wouldn’t be meeting at your home or in a park either.

I think a lot of men just don’t get internet safety. They haven’t listened to it because they don’t feel vulnerable. They should, because look at poor Breck Bednar but they don’t.

Meeting in public places only Is the thing to insist on and if you get any bad vibes then drop him

Sooobooored Sun 28-Jun-20 08:11:46

I would leave it personally. There was a thread on here the other day where the op met a man in a deserted area and when he got out of the car she was horrified as he was nothing like his photos and very weird. She still went on a walk with him!

The type of guy who puts pressure on you to come to your house is after a shag.

JustC Sun 28-Jun-20 08:49:09

You are right to be cautious. I would give it the one meeting, if so far he seemed ok. It could be that he really doesn't realise the dangers are diff for women. Especially if not very versed into OLD. Who knows.

NoMoreDickheads Sun 28-Jun-20 11:18:33

He was trying to pressure you into telling him where you live, and by wanting to come to yours, by extension into a sexual relationship.

When you said no he kind of tried to wheedle about it.

I would get the creeps from that and probably block.
-
His direct tactic didn't work, so then he tried the alternate tactic of appearing wholesome.

sticksstonessand Sun 28-Jun-20 11:28:33

My first thought would be he wanted to meet at yours so he could try it on. My second thought is that even if he is a normal bloke who is just clueless about why you wouldn't invite a bloke you've never met before to your house, do you actually want to date someone who doesn't have enough empathy to see why this might be a problem?

Jjjjjj1981 Sun 28-Jun-20 12:14:07

Listen to your instincts OP, they are rarely wrong. I’d take this, and the sulking, as a red flag tbh.

LipstickTaserrr Sun 28-Jun-20 12:21:27

If all you have is a WhatsApp he could be anyone. If you have only been speaking a few weeks and he's pushy it's not a good sign. Has he not even got a genuine Facebook or other social media presence that's well established?

chubbyhotchoc Sun 28-Jun-20 12:23:56

More likely he wants a cheap date closer to the bedroom than him being an axe murderer or similar but you never know! Wouldn't even meet him at the park. I'd wait until bars and restaurants are open and go there.

chubbyhotchoc Sun 28-Jun-20 12:26:50

Don't explain yourself. You state your boundary by saying what you want and stick to it. Rinse and repeat and if he keeps pushing his own agenda ignore. 'I'd rather meet for a drink when things open up' would be my line.

okiedokieme Sun 28-Jun-20 12:37:29

Without the normal places open I suspect he just thought your house was a good idea forgetting the safety aspect. Park is a good option

Shayelle2009 Sun 28-Jun-20 12:50:59

Thanks so much everyone for your replies. Ive messaged saying ‘how about this for an idea.. ill come and meet you around your work for a coffee or lunch one day this week’. I feel more in control this way. If hes not on it then he was only after a shag but if he then all good.

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