Told Him I'm Filing - Help Me Stay Strong

[Somefantasticplace]

Told stbexh of over 20 years that I'm going to file for divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. He's known for months that I want a divorce, I just haven't done anything about it yet. I've come up with some fairly bland reasons for the form, not going into detail about the years of the silent treatment, twisting reality until I was completely lost and expecting me to do all of the housework and life admin.

It has taken me years to get this far and when I told him it was horrible. He says he'll defend as he does not think he has behaved unreasonably in any way, in fact I'm the unreasonable one but he has just forgiven me my many faults over the years. We had history being rewritten with me as some rage filled harpy (so far from the truth it's laughable) and I've been told that I'm utterly selfish, always have been and everything has always been about me getting my own way.

He is now working on the DCs, telling them how sad he'll be and how he doesn't understand why I'm doing this. Although they are adults, I haven't gone into detail about what he's done and I'm worried they'll fall for his 'poor me' act. I also experienced the old feelings of confusion and self-doubt . Am I being selfish? Should I just wait until next year when there might be no fault divorce to make it easier?

I'm scared that I'll give in to his demands as usual. It's all the harder because we're all in the same house for lockdown. Please lovely mumsnetters, help me stay strong and determined.

[Starlightstarbright1]

Talk to a solicitor how difficult it will be . My ex didn’t like what was written in divorce papers but in reality makes no difference

[Somefantasticplace]

@Starlightstarbright1 I'm hoping he'll get some legal advice and find out just how pointless and difficult it would be to defend. I already spoke to a solicitor who told me he had dealt with one defended divorce in 12 years.

[Weenurse]

Forget about him and his response.
Make your lists.
Do you plan to move or stay?
If selling the house, get some price guides.
Plan your future without him and move forward. Living your life as a newly single woman.

[Somefantasticplace]

@weenurse yes that's the plan, sell the house and get a little place of my own. I'm so annoyed with myself though, I'm still letting him get to me

[Weenurse]

Start going through the house and packing up your family and sentimental stuff.
Label carefully.
Then start on joint stuff and ask him what he wants.
Designate 2 rooms as his room and your room and put stuff in the appropriate room.
Once he sees you are serious and it will happen whether he wants it to or not, you may get some input from him.
If not, at least you are moving forward.
Start checking real estate and what you ca afford.

[Somefantasticplace]

I've started doing this @Weenurse, and I think he has accepted that we will divorce, it's the bit about defending I'm worried about. I know it's really unusual and most people are put off by the cost but I can't help thinking he could be the one in a million. He is outraged at the idea that he can be blamed and seen to be in the wrong as he thinks this is all my fault and I'm just having some kind of mid life crisis.

[Treacletoots]

Unless he's unbelievably rich OP then there's no way he'll be defending this.

The most likely resistance you'll get is he'll refuse to sign and return the acknowledgement of service. That's also easy to solve, the court can issue service itself by bailiff for a nominal fee.

My exH sent me an abusive text in Klingon when he received the papers. Yes really. Made me smile with relief that I was finally getting rid of the idiot.

[Somefantasticplace]

@Treacletoots klingon, hilarious 😁. I think he doesn't understand the law and I'm hoping that one conversation with a solicitor will set him straight but he thinks he will be defending 'his honour'. He can never be wrong so I suppose this is the ultimate insult, to be 'wrong' on a court document

[Treacletoots]

Hahaha. Apparently the message in Klingon translated into normal was 'you have no honour'

What a wanker. You'll get rid of him soon OP, just stay strong, grey rock and keep looking at those sunlit pastures over the divorce hill when you've got rid of him

[Weenurse]

Hopefully he gets advice and calms down.

[pointythings]

Once he finds out what it costs to defend a divorce, he'll back down. Mine got the petition and sent me an email to say he had read it and he wouldn't be signing it because he didn't agree. I pointed out calmly that his email would suffice as proof that he had received and read the petition and that unless he defended at a cost of £££, the divorce would go ahead. He caved. As it happened he died 12 days before nisi was pronounced so we were actually never divorced.