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Is this forgivable?

(68 Posts)
JustAnotherDay555 Sat 27-Jun-20 18:38:43

Well. The bare bones of my situation was that I split up with my husband a couple of years ago. We continued to live in the same house for about a year. During this time I started another relationship. I didn't cheat and my ex knew all about the situation. Anyway we (me and bf) were taking it slow and we were going to wait until my ex moved out to start up anything properly. We talked a lot though , and spent a lot of time together and I felt connected to him. We were clear that we both wanted a relationship.

The day/week my ex moved out my bf started turning his phone off, disappearing and being quite off with me. He started acting strangely, he called me a few names and said some pretty mean things to me. We were arguing constantly so I ended the relationship. It was hard at the time but it was just everything I suppose. I struggle with my mental health at times and I got quite depressed, although recently I have been feeling better.

Anyway, he's back in contact and it turns out he met someone else on the very same day as my husband moved out and that's why his behaviour changed. He is very apologetic and says he doesn't know why he did what he did. The person he met was married and they had an affair up until a few months ago. So it lasted about six months.

I feel like it's a bad joke , actually meeting her on the day my husband moved out, but I don't know if I'm expecting too much, I mean I was in a complicated situation. I wasn't exactly a catch. If I could go back I would hold off the relationship completely. I regret that I didn't.

I had suspected something like this at the time, that he had met someone else, but he was adamant I was imagining things. I asked him a few time but he denied it.

So I'm 80 per cent in the "he's a bastard" field. But I know I am just looking at it from my viewpoint. So I'm looking for objective views .

The worst thing for me is the name calling and nastiness. And not telling me what was happening. I felt very confused for the last couple of months of our relationship. It lasted about 6-7 weeks after my ex moved out.

Thank you for reading my post .

OP’s posts: |
BrowncoatWaffles Sat 27-Jun-20 18:40:21

Of course it’s not forgivable. You were honest. He was not. You deserve better.

Veiaola Sat 27-Jun-20 18:42:07

Get rid an find some one who is respectful to you and please don't forgive, move on.

Sarahplane Sat 27-Jun-20 18:42:40

He's an arsehole and by the sounds of things he likes women he can't have a full relationship with. You're well shot of him op

JustAnotherDay555 Sat 27-Jun-20 18:51:51

It feels like a stupid question really , seeing it written down like that. I know what I would be thinking if I read it. There really is no forgiving this, is there? When he told me about the cheating I was relieved, because it made sense of it. And then angry and now I just feel despondent.

Lockdown doesn't help these situations much either. I'm not going to be back in work for months. Too much time on my hands to think.

OP’s posts: |
JustAnotherDay555 Sat 27-Jun-20 18:53:24

Sarahplane

He's an arsehole and by the sounds of things he likes women he can't have a full relationship with. You're well shot of him op

This did occur to me, that he only wanted me when there was a barrier. The minute it went, he did as well. We had a lot of plans for things to do. At the time it was very confusing.

OP’s posts: |
DollyPomPoms Sat 27-Jun-20 18:55:16

Sounds like he was with someone else the whole time and the moment things got serious with you (ex husband moved out) he panicked and back tracked.

user1481840227 Sat 27-Jun-20 18:55:51

No it's not forgivable.

If he met her that day then she must have made quite an impact on her for him for his behaviour to instantly change. His story doesn't really add up!

Also saying he doesn't know why he did is a cop out. He does know...maybe he doesn't want to tell the truth...but he does know why...and after a period of reflection he should be able to explain his thought process.

You deserve better!

JustAnotherDay555 Sat 27-Jun-20 18:57:05

BrowncoatWaffles

Of course it’s not forgivable. You were honest. He was not. You deserve better.

I do keep thinking that, that I was honest. I really was. I was very open. I think I might have been naive though. I just believed everything. That's not great for a adult woman in her thirties.

OP’s posts: |
morethanafortnight Sat 27-Jun-20 18:57:07

The worst thing for me is the name calling and nastiness

He's shown you what he can be like. Not only the horrible behaviour towards you, but also the lying and cheating, right at the moment when you thought your relationship could finally begin in earnest.

Perhaps you need to close the door on this one. flowers

Sally2791 Sat 27-Jun-20 18:58:33

Don’t bother analysing him. He’s an arse, and you can be happy alone or find a decent man

JustAnotherDay555 Sat 27-Jun-20 18:59:10

Veiaola

Get rid an find some one who is respectful to you and please don't forgive, move on.

Thank you , I appreciate the advice. I really thought we had this beautiful , simple relationship. I thought it was special. But it wasn't.

OP’s posts: |
Nihiloxica Sat 27-Jun-20 18:59:40

God, don't go back there.

His own version of the truth is that he ditched you for a better offer but it didn't work out so maybe you'll do for a bit.

Not much of a love story, is it?

MaeDanvers Sat 27-Jun-20 19:00:30

Interesting he met someone also not available to him the very day your ex finally moved out. Or so he says. It's quite the coincidence!

Being horrible to you until you ended it because he was apparently interested in someone else is childish and selfish behaviour. And the best he can come up with is he doesn't know why he did what he did?

Honestly, get this guy out of your life once and for all, he sounds like a proper asshole.

JustAnotherDay555 Sat 27-Jun-20 19:03:05

DollyPomPoms

Sounds like he was with someone else the whole time and the moment things got serious with you (ex husband moved out) he panicked and back tracked.

I did wonder about the timing. He is adamant it was on the day of my ex moving out but he's lied before. I suppose I thought because his behaviour changed so much that made sense.... But his behaviour could have changed because suddenly I was available and he didn't want me. And now he's single and at a loose end ( or this thought just occurred to me, not single and at a loose end).

OP’s posts: |
lachy Sat 27-Jun-20 19:11:26

For me, no it wouldn't be forgivable.

I'd be inclined to feel that he was ringing for a bunk up...and he probably thinks if he's apologising then you'll give him what he wants.

You don't need to explain anything to him, just say no thanks, not interested.

category12 Sat 27-Jun-20 19:26:58

God no, what are you thinking even considering this?

He dropped you like a stone, very unpleasantly, in order to go off with someone else. And now you're thinking about taking him back? Where's your self-respect?

OldWomanSaysThis Sat 27-Jun-20 19:27:34

He's a liar.
Is that the other 20%? He's 80% bastard and 20% liar?

Windmillwhirl Sat 27-Jun-20 19:29:19

Oh god, just no. So basically why you felt you were in a relationship he takes up with a married woman and shuns you. If nothing else the fact he is ok to engage in cheating with no bother says a lot about his morals.

In your shoes I would have absolutely nothing to do with this snake.

NoMoreDickheads Sat 27-Jun-20 19:35:02

Anyway, he's back in contact and it turns out he met someone else on the very same day as my husband moved out and that's why his behaviour changed

It's really, really unlikely he just happened to meet someone he liked that same day and his emotions were so intense immediately that he started acting that way towards you. I think he'd probably started seeing this person before then. He turned nasty once your husband moved out because he didn't want to commit.
-
Either way, he's proved you can't trust him, and that he can disrespect you.

Abbcccus Sat 27-Jun-20 19:43:38

Gosh!
You know the answer really.
On here the usual response to any minor difficulty or indiscretion is leave the bastard...I often don't agree.

In this case, the man is clearly a shit and you should have blocked him six months ago!
Of course you shouldn't entertain anything with him, unless you want him to hurt you again.
Totally implausible that he met someone then, and even if he did, his treatment of you then shows his true colours.

You are well rid of him

HereForTheFeminismChat Sat 27-Jun-20 19:46:52

The best case scenario is that he met someone amazing on the exact same day your ex-husband moved out. To deal with this, he turned off his phone, disappeared, said mean things to you, was snarky, and to top it off, when you asked whether there was someone else, he gaslighted you.

In short, in a difficult situation, his go-to strategies were dishonesty, obfuscation and abuse.

You need to tell him the door is that way --->

JustAnotherDay555 Sat 27-Jun-20 20:23:02

user1481840227

No it's not forgivable.

If he met her that day then she must have made quite an impact on her for him for his behaviour to instantly change. His story doesn't really add up!

Also saying he doesn't know why he did is a cop out. He does know...maybe he doesn't want to tell the truth...but he does know why...and after a period of reflection he should be able to explain his thought process.

You deserve better!

What you say about him being able to reflect and tell me why it happened... He just said he got caught up and before he knew it they were in a relationship. He wanted to tell me at the time but he chose not to...

So not much in the way if reflection although I've never been in this situation. I don't know what to expect in the way of explanation.

OP’s posts: |
NooneElseIsSingingMySong Sat 27-Jun-20 20:23:23

Absolutely walk away. You deserve so much better.
It’s worth considering doing The Freedom Programme (you can do it online for about £14) to help you recognise red flags for the future.

MsDogLady Sat 27-Jun-20 20:24:02

Lying, cheating, cruelty and manipulation.

OP, this man has no integrity. He is a bad bet and will diminish your life. Send him on his way pronto.

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