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Coping without intimacy, love and care.

(5 Posts)
BuildGoStay Sat 27-Jun-20 17:01:58

This feeling has come back after I thought I was healing well from DV. Partly due this quarantine, the feeling of loneliness and a poor self-esteem have returned. I have zero intimacy, someone so very close to me who cares about me, holds me, kisses me.

Feeling utterly hopeless. I was seeing someone before lockdown happened, we are still sort of in touch, but won't be able to see each other properly again until social distancing ceases.

Along with this, I've been intensely sexually frustrated. Solo sex just isn't the same.


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Fairycake2 Sat 27-Jun-20 18:09:57

Sadly there isn't much you can do about the sex and intimacy side of things until lockdown is over but could you work on building your self-esteem during this time. Do some reading, listen to pod casts on the subject and do things which make you feel good - paint your nails, practise your make up etc. Connect with friends and family and do the hobbies which lockdown allows. Getting outside every day definitely helps lift your mood and watching a good comedy can help. Maybe try writing a journal. You can now bubble with someone assuming you live alone so explore this too. I hope the feeling passes 💐

BuildGoStay Sat 27-Jun-20 18:12:02

Thank you @Fairycake2 I'm going to try make an more of an effort with myself. I just can't wait for this to all be over.

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HathorX Sat 27-Jun-20 18:29:28

OP, you might not be in a mood to appreciate humour, but I read the title of your post and assumed you were married! 😂😋

In all seriousness, I hope you find a relationship that can meet your needs properly in future BUT it is always a good thing to know how to cope without a significant other. You might not be happy , but try and spot the points of the day when you aren't actively thinking about it, and when you feel more content than the rest of the time. What are you doing at those points in time? (Let's hope it is something sensible, not getting plastered bingeing on a bottle of wine).

Loneliness is a horrible feeling. Everyone recommends volunteering, to help with it - is that practical for you? Maybe you could be a phone companion to someone else who is isolated, if you can't get out.

I'm definitely better when I've been put in fresh air, and for me it is gardening, cycling, walking that gives me peace of mind.

You will always be more successful on a relationship, in my opinion, knowing how to be self-reliant emotionally. It is fine to enter a deep and intimate relationship, and let go of some of that self reliance, but being very needy especially early on, isnt always a particularly great start for a secure relationship.

So ... plenty of time to practise now and become content and self-contained. It will take the pressure off future relationships to fill that empty space for you, and that might actually give those relationships a better chance of success.

I hope this doesnt sound really harsh, hope in some ways it gives you a bit of food for thought that although your situation is a bit rubbish, you are probably able to learn something really useful about yourself if you reflect and work on it.

BuildGoStay Sat 27-Jun-20 19:27:53

Oh no, @HathorX that is quite hilarious! 😂

Thank you for taking the time to reply with so many points for me to ponder on and hopefully put into action.

I have been doing some things to try keep myself self-contained and content on my own. Yoga, gardening, creative writing and staying in touch with loved ones is helping.

I think I've spent enough time today feeling sorry for myself. I'm determined to pull myself out of this pit of despair I seem to have fallen into.

And you are right - emotional self-reliance is instrumental to having a healthy relationship when the time comes for one. I shall keep that in mind while I reflecting on and learning more about who I am and what I want to bring into my life.

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