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Frustrated with partners performance anxiety

(50 Posts)
Skibideebapbapbap Sat 27-Jun-20 13:50:21

I’m really at the end of my tether with my partners sexual performance anxiety and subsequent ED.

We have been together for 3.5 years and for most of that time my partner has suffered with generalised anxiety and performance anxiety which has resulted in him not being able to keep an erection.

For the first few years we sort of just carried on trying and every so often things would be fine but we couldn’t stray from a very set ‘routine’ and position etc otherwise things would go south.

It’s now got so bad that we haven’t had sex for around ten months and although we are still affectionate with each other, I am starting to feel The Ick.

It all came to a head a few months ago, he admitted it was a problem and is now in counselling, but after all of this time I am really struggling to find him sexually desirable and find the thought of the ‘homework’ we need to do together cringeworthy and uncomfortable.

I was always a very sexual person but I think my sexual desire for him has just slowly died as time has gone on.

I have tried to be understanding and supportive but if I’m honest I’m struggling to keep this up (no pun indented) it doesn’t help that in an argument he will often imply it’s my fault he has this problem, he says I make him feel anxious.

He often shuts me down when I try to talk about it too, I don’t know whether to just walk away at this point because I am so frustrated with it all. I do love him but this is really taking its toll on our relationship.

Does anyone have any experience of this and did you manage to overcome it as a couple? Any words of advice would be welcome.


OP’s posts: |
NoMoreDickheads Sat 27-Jun-20 14:13:12

I've had this problem with a lot of exes- I like to think it's just bad luck.

I realized life's too short for bad sex. I don't feel the need for a partner at the moment, but if I do I wouldn't put up with this. As we get older more prospective partners will have ED due to their age, so we have to seize the day.

That he's trying to blame you for his problem is a nasty thing to do. sad

Ridingthegravytrain Sat 27-Jun-20 14:17:36

Leave. Him blaming you is unacceptable. Imagine the rest of your life like this

Skibideebapbapbap Sat 27-Jun-20 14:18:18

Yeah it really winds me up because I don't really see how it's my fault?!

I sound cold and callous but it's just worn me down over time.

OP’s posts: |
Mintychoc1 Sat 27-Jun-20 14:24:41

Him blaming you would be the deal breaker. Totally out of order.

Skibideebapbapbap Sat 27-Jun-20 14:29:08

Thing is he will blame me in an argument then back track afterwards. But it's been said by that point and can't be unsaid.

OP’s posts: |
user1481840227 Sat 27-Jun-20 14:40:32

You're not cold and callous.
You sound like you have been more than supportive, that doesn't mean that you have to stay and solve the problem with him.

NoMoreDickheads Sat 27-Jun-20 14:45:26

Yeah it really winds me up because I don't really see how it's my fault?!

That's cos it isn't.

Thing is he will blame me in an argument then back track afterwards. But it's been said by that point and can't be unsaid.

If someone says sorry once because they said something in anger, that's one thing. But if they then go on to do it again, it seems unlikely they were really sorry for saying it at all. He maybe believes you deserve these comments for telling him you aren't happy, or he's inwardly blaming you for his problems to deflect from admitting it's his issue.

NoMoreDickheads Sat 27-Jun-20 14:46:01

*admitting to himself (and you as well I suppose.)

Skibideebapbapbap Sat 27-Jun-20 14:53:36


Yes I think you are right, he can't handle it so tries to shift the blame. And it is every time we argue about it.

OP’s posts: |
Skibideebapbapbap Sat 27-Jun-20 14:56:33

@NoMoreDickheads actually he won't even backtrack, he will try to gaslight me into believing he didn't blame me and I am imagining it.

I'm definitely not imagining it.

OP’s posts: |
Skibideebapbapbap Sat 27-Jun-20 15:03:57

We had an argument about it earlier and he started blaming me again, when I objected he then threw some fish cakes at the floor in the kitchen, they went everywhere. He then stomped upstairs to his office and i haven't seen him since.

OP’s posts: |
NoMoreDickheads Sat 27-Jun-20 15:04:07

he will try to gaslight me into believing he didn't blame me and I am imagining it.

That's really lame. He sounds immature and pathetic. It's the bin for him!

redastherose Sat 27-Jun-20 15:28:35

That just isn't acceptable. ED is an issue but it's his issue to resolve and it is most definitely not your fault. Throwing things and walking away are not on at all. It sounds like you've reached the end of the road. ED in itself with a considerate partner doesn't have to mean an unfulfilling sex life for you but his behaviour and acceptance of his problem does.

candycane222 Sat 27-Jun-20 15:30:50

Obviously it's upsetting for him. But he is the only one who can fix it. Instead he is blaming you and lashing out at you.

Unless he making clear and reasonable requests of you in a loving way ("please darling I find you a lot sexier when you don't wear a Trump mask to bed/laugh at me; I really prefer it if we do it indoors and not the front garden etc) and you are refusing to budge, then he has no business blaming you. No wonder you're going off him.

1235kbm Sat 27-Jun-20 15:31:21

Just get out OP. It sounds awful, no wonder you're going off him. Having sex in inflexible routines while holding your breath in case it 'goes south' sounds absolutely terrible. How can you relax?

He's gas lighting you as well which is really weasely behaviour and abusive. He's a shit.

healththrowawayx Sat 27-Jun-20 15:38:39

Honestly I would tell him it’s over. Even via text if he’s stormed off and refuses to talk to you.

The sex issues are one thing, but he’s also argumentative, throws food around and expects you to clean it up etc so his behaviour is generally disrespectful and volatile.

You’ve already tried for years to be understanding and supportive but I think you’ve reached the end of the road.

Think about it, you would be so much happier single, let alone dating someone new.

Skibideebapbapbap Sat 27-Jun-20 15:45:11

"Think about it, you would be so much happier single, let alone dating someone new."

When I really think about it, I know this is true.

I think what's holding me back is that we live together and I have a child from a previous relationship so it's a big upheaval.

OP’s posts: |
NoMoreDickheads Sat 27-Jun-20 15:46:07

when I objected he then threw some fish cakes at the floor in the kitchen, they went everywhere. He then stomped upstairs to his office and i haven't seen him since.

This and the gaslighting are signs he is abusive. He is annoying and could/will turn even more nasty.

And you're not even getting decent sex out of it.

This is not a situation you want to be in. Time to plan you're escape/tto throw him out, then block him on everything.

Skibideebapbapbap Sat 27-Jun-20 15:49:53

He is lovely in so many ways but he has in the past displayed some low key abusive/controlling behaviours.

I am hyper aware of this stuff because I've been in an abusive relationship before. Thing is it's never THAT bad that I think 'I must leave now', it's always really subtle.

And yes, I'm not getting any sex let alone decent sex....

OP’s posts: |
Skibideebapbapbap Sat 27-Jun-20 15:53:30

This is outing but he's just text me from his office saying:

"Sorry for calling you a cunt, And throwing something on the floor whatever that was"

I didn't even notice he had called me a cunt tbh.

Ugh this isn't ok is it.

OP’s posts: |
Aquamarine1029 Sat 27-Jun-20 15:57:48

You should have left him years ago. This relationship is dead in the water, he's an abusive arsehole, and you are miserable. Is this how you want to live your life? Come on now, take control.

1235kbm Sat 27-Jun-20 16:10:07

I actually gasped at that. I can't believe he called you a cunt.

Insert that spine covered in dust at the back of the cupboard OP. Enough is enough. Tell him to leave, you'll wonder why you left it so long once you have. His behaviour is disgusting.

Freedom Programme for you I'm afraid, Drs orders.

Andy85 Sat 27-Jun-20 16:12:59

Is the problem his performance anxiety or is it his behaviour? These appear to be 2 separate issues.
If he is generally not loving, caring and blames you for things then maybe put the sexual issue aside and focus on whether or not you want to spend your life with him in general.
If he didnt have this issue, would the relationship be good? If not, that might be your answer. But if so then, it is not fair to blame him for something that is out of his control.
His issue is one that is very difficult for him. He will most likely feel very ashamed and feel like he is not good enough for you and letting you down. The fact that you have let your feelings be shown will be very difficult for him to take and will make the issue worse. It will put a lot of pressure on him to improve and that pressure will be the very thing that holds him back.
His behaviour in relation to this is not excusable but it is understandable. He is only human after all. And he can sense that you are starting to pull away from the relationship due to this and that will be devastating for him.
Put the shoe on the other foot. If you had an issue that wasnt your fault (because at the end of the day it isn't his fault) and he was getting fed up with you, how would you feel? Especially if that pressure made your issue worse.
If you really want his sexual issue to improve you need to take that pressure away completely. Firstly tell him it's ok, it's not his fault, it is very common and you will be here for him no matter what, however long it takes.
Try this. When you are in bed and both in a loving mood, ask him if he would like to "fool around". Tell him that you are not going to have sex that night. But you can do everything up to it. Try lots of things you like but dont have sex. If he knows that he isn't going to have sex then there is no pressure to perform. But you can both enjoy each other and more than likely he will focus more attention on pleasing you in other ways. If you try this a few times hopefully he will be turned on enough, but without any pressure whatsoever, and the situation may start to rise again... pun intended.

Tappering Sat 27-Jun-20 16:15:10

I would reply:

Your behaviour today has made me realise that this relationship is not working for me and that we need to go out separate ways.

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