DH doesn't enjoy/get satisfaction out of any household tasks

[FearTheFearless]

This has become a huge issue for us, and we're at sad stalemate.

DH is a very good man, a lovely dad, and I love him very much.

The problem is that all the household tasks he does (apart from cooking) he does to keep me happy. He actually sees no point in having a clean bathroom, any particular "system" for anything, a mown lawn, tidy kitchen, etc. Basically, left to his own devices, he'd tolerate a lot more mess and dirt than I find acceptable. And my standards are really not high.

I work full time, and have much greater earning potential, so he is home much more. But it's become clear it makes him really miserable. He sees it all as pointless and clearly resents me for wanting this stuff done. He even resents me for doing jobs, when I could be sitting around with him. The thing that really makes him happy is having no demands on him. He's not lazy, exactly. He reads difficult books constantly, and he's very physically fit and active. He also does do much more around the house than most men. But he hates every minute of it.

I don't know what to do.

[GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy]

I hate every minute of household tasks, to be honest. He does it, doesn't he? This wouldn't be a problem for me.

[FearTheFearless]

I've realised that the difference between us is that I'm motivated to have a nice environment. He doesn't give a damn.

I should also clarify that I don't at all expect him to do everything. I am constantly doing household tasks, too.

[FearTheFearless]

@GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy, the problem is how miserable he is. Really sad, low and resentful.

[BeKindOrBeQuiet]

I hate doing housework too but imma single parent with 3 kids so I have to do it all.

Can you afford a part cleaner maybe? I can't really see any other option

I honestly feel it's a bit childish for a fully grown adult to become miserable over having to do housework. Are you over zealous with it all?

[BeKindOrBeQuiet]

I'm a*

[FearTheFearless]

He constantly feels there are too many demands in life.

He has a day off every week when he goes out for the day and plays squash with his friends (between doing the school runs). He has two evenings a week out at the pub.
He works part time, but basically doesn't have to as I earn enough for us all. But he feels "weighed down by demands" all the time.

[Spanielmadness]

I hate household tasks. I do them because they need to be done. Maybe he’s unhappy about other things but channeling his resentment into/through the tasks?

[Rainbowqueeen]

Not many people like them. But they still need to be done

Why is he turning this into your problem? Other adults can find ways to make them more fun eg music, podcast while getting on with it. Why can’t he? Or why can’t he also work full time and you get a cleaner?
His feelings are his to manage. You sound like you are more than pulling your weight in this relationship but he resents you for expecting him to pull his weight. Wow.

[KetoWinnie]

I don't enjoy household tasks either. I'm supposed to be tidying up now actually.

[GreyishDays]

How many hours a week is he working?

[Shouldbedoing]

I've gone off him already. Manchild with cocklodger tendencies.

[Rembrandt]

I hate household tasks too.

Thing is, part of being an adult is doing jobs that you might not like. Whether its paid work that you still do because the family needs the money, or housework so that the family doesn't live in squalor.

The thing that really makes him happy is having no demands on him

Me too, but I'm an adult and so get on with doing the things that need to be done.

[MiniCooperLover]

Does he think you love them? He's got what sounds like a bloody easy life and a pretty good work/life balance, I can't believe he's moaning about doing some cleaning in his own house ... I wonder if he's trying to force your hand to hire a cleaner.

[Letseatgrandma]

I don’t enjoy household tasks but I do them as I don’t want to live in squalor!

[NoMoreDickheads]

I don't think most people 'enjoy' household tasks TBH.

I have ADHD so as soon as I'm faced with a chore it's like I'm completely drained of energy. I use disposable plates, knives, and forks

People with ADHD can have a lot of enthusiasm/ hyperfocus with things they find interesting. But if there's something they have to do, honestly it feels like I temporarily have CFS I know I don't, but that's what it feels like.

I'm quite academic- people can be academic and still have ADHD.

Who knows, maybe he has it. x

[NoMoreDickheads]

I wasn't diagnosed with it until a couple of years ago, in my 40s.

[worriedmama1980]

The resentful bit negates the sad and low bit to me.

Though to be entirely fair to him, It depends a bit on how high your standards are. I had a housemate once who used to tidy away, say, a cup of tea and a book and a blanket id left on a chair- not one she planned on sitting on- if I stepped outside to take a phone call for ten minutes. Everything had to be wiped down and put away the second it was used, everything was pristine and I resented the implication that because her standards for shared living were more exacting they were assumed to be better. I see that sometimes on these boards, women complaining about men not achieving an overly exacting standard of housework and I do think there needs to be a degree of compromise in setting a shared level of acceptable cleanliness. But more frequently I see men who opt out of housework entirely and that sounds more like what your husband is angling for here.

Assuming you're talking about him resenting ALL housework- then I think he's totally out of line and is trying to control you and get you to do everything by making out he's too burdened by it and it's all your fault. You're not responsible for his happiness, a basic level of hygiene is important for health.

If you can both afford it, then talking about outsourcing a lot to a cleaner seems sensible but I utterly detest housework and am terrible at it. I don't get to be sad and resentful about doing what needs to be done because it needs to be done, and I wouldn't be inclined to pander to someone who is trying to put the blame at your door for in effect having to be a grown up.

[Rembrandt]

With every update he sounds more and more like a sulky teenage boy who thinks he's far too important to concern himself with mere drudgery.

They see themselves as a rebel, sticking it to the man.Everyone else just sees them as tedious and hopes that the boy will grow up one day...

[spotthecats]

He works part time, has a day to himself, goes to the pub multiple times a week but is resentful? He sounds pathetic.

[CaptainBrickbeard]

I feel exactly the same about housework. It’s so grinding and relentless and it is a never ending task where everything needs doing again. I take zero satisfaction in it because I never feel that anything is accomplished and I resent every single second I spend on it.

We are going to have a big tidy up together and then pay a cleaner to come regularly.

It might not be mature or reasonable but I just can’t deny that I feel the same about it so I sympathise even whilst realising that it’s petulant and indulgent!

[MitziK]

What do you have to do about it? You're already doing your fair share.

If he doesn't like it, he can pay for a cleaner.

[CoffeeBeansGalore]

I don't know anybody that enjoys household tasks. However getting on with it is part of being an adult and having a family.

[GoldenOmber]

he feels "weighed down by demands" all the time.

I was going to suggest him working more hours and getting a cleaner, but here it sounds like there’s a bigger issue.

Fewer ‘demands’ won’t make him happier, there’ll always be something he has to do that he doesn’t find fun. Sounds more like he needs to reframe how he thinks adult and family life works so he isn’t miserable and resentful about it all being inflicted upon him.

[SandieCheeks]

Oh god he sounds pathetic and lazy!

He's an adult and a parent, of course there are demands on his time. Does he want to live as a 6 year old?

There are loads of things I dislike doing - putting laundry away, cleaning, emptying the dishwasher, food shopping, cooking dinner every evening. But I just get on and do it because that's life!
And I don't get a day off for hobbies every week and two nights in the pub

Basically it sounds like he has a pretty good deal.

Do you have equal amounts of free time to him?

[SleepingStandingUp]

So he work full time and then you divest those extra earnings towards a cleaner?

Has this got worse since lockdown, could it be linked to other things making him depressed?

I don't like it either and our house would def be messier (not dirtier) without DH around. But if he's genuinely sad, low and resentful that he's doing a share of housework when he works part time, goes to the pub twice a week, hands with his mates one day a week, he needs to speak to the GP.

Could some sort of schedule written down help so you can both visualise how much free time you have? So work is all in blue, sleep is black, set hobbies ie squash is yellow, then out in school runs, dinner times (different colours if you're cooking or not), a half hour for you both at the end of the kids routine to tidy etc? Seeing he has so much free time might help