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Horrible situation advise please?(22 Posts)
So I'm just looking for some guidance and advise really on my current situation!
So me and my OH have be together for nearly 7 years now. Things haven't been good between us for a long time and I'm ready to leave with our LO.
For the past few weeks I've been speaking to someone else, I didn't go out intentionally looking for a guy to speak to but it just happened and he is absolutely lovely. It's so strange because I feel like a totally different person being given much needed attention and conversation which I never get with my OH.
I feel so guilty about this and would never tell my OH, I'm just so scared to leave him, I've wanted to for a long time as I've been so unhappy. I also feel bad my LO. How do I go about telling him I want to leave?!
What’s your situation. Do you have somewhere to go? Do you rent with OH?
Are you worried about how he will react?
You need to do it in a way that’s safe for you. That’s the most important thing.
If that means going and just leaving a note do that.
Stop talking to this other man because it's preventing you from making mature decisions. You need to focus your attention on separating from your current partner. You are being foolish to make your life even more complicated than it already is. You don't even know this other man. It's all just a fantasy you're clinging to.
You just need to sit down with him and say, I'm sorry but I haven't been happy for a long time and I'm planning on leaving you.
Don't rush into a new relationship, it might seem like a great idea and an escape from your current relationship but it isn't and will greatly complicate the split.
If your unhappy talk to your partner, it’s not fair to just decide to go because you have been talking to someone else.
You may need to spend sometime alone to decide what you want.
So I've been wanting to leave for a while it isn't just because I've been speaking to someone else
You need to talk to your partner and stop justifying your EA to yourself. Honestly, if a man came here and told the same story he would be flamed. You are having an EA, instead of addressing what is wrong in your relationship. If it's not working, end it, don't cheat and justify yourself with 'my relationship isn't workin'.
Just to clarify I haven't and would not cheat. I would never meet with this person whilst still being with my partner. I have been unhappy in the relationship for over a year now, we've tried and it isn't working. All I wanted was some advice on how to go about telling him I'm leaving as I'm unsure how to go about it.
I would get your plans in place before you tell him. Where you're going to go etc. Then sit down with him and explain that you haven't been happy for some time and you would like to leave and end the relationship. Obviously don't mention the other bloke!! Only you know how you OH will react. If you think he may take it badly then have a plan in place for the moments after you tell him, for example someone in a car outside ready to drive you elsewhere, your things already packed.
I hope this is as easy for you as it can be and you can move on soon and smoothly
Forget the new guy. Stop all contact with him and get him out of your head. Then wait a year and during this time actually try and work at your short marriage. If you still want to leave at the end of that year tell your husband. Just tell him. And make your plans and then focus on bringing up your child.
For what it's worth, I wasn't trying to be harsh. I just think emotional cheating is still a form of cheating.
There is no easy way. You just have to gather up your courage , maybe write down a few points about what you need to say, sit him down and tell him. I can only imagine it's not easy after many years together, especially if there is no major blowa out about cheating or abuse, just everything not being quite right. Just tell him that really. For me this is not working anymore, I am not happy, and I don't see a future for us anymore.
joystir59 I have tried and tired to work at it for the sake of my child, I've tried for over a year to make things work. My child is my main priority which is why I'm worried about telling him how I feel because I don't want anything to affect her.
I agree with others OP. Forget about this other man for now because although you've been unhappy with your OH for a while and only just started speaking to this other man, it will influence your decision if you carry on an EA.
You don't mention why things haven't 'been good for a long time' nor do you have to - only you know why you want to leave but if you've really made up your mind then you just have to tell him. Children are pretty resilient and adaptable and if you're in an unhappy/unhealthy relationship, they will pick up on that so if you're sure your relationship cannot be salvaged then it's for the best in the long run.
Good luck with whatever you decide and I'm sure you'll put your child first in all this and not get involved with someone else too quickly.
Joystir59 said pretty much what I was thinking, well the first bit anyway.
Get this new chap out of your head, he’s a complication well done without. If after all you decide to leave yr present partner, tell him calmly once you’ve made your departure plans, then do it, if you’re going to, don’t waver. As for other men, leave it a good year before entering into a new relationship, you’ve got lots of practical and emotional work to do before then. Good luck.
The other guy is just muddying the waters at a time when you need to focus on you, your child and getting away safely.
Have you got somewhere to go and all your finances sorted ?
When you have it’s time to sit down and have that conversation. He may beg you to stay or try again but you need to be strong and make sure you leave, even if it’s on the pretence of a trial separation.
Do you have a relative or good friend who you can confide in so that they know when the conversation going to take place ?
I think you just plan v carefully where you will live & how you will cope financially on your own. Then plan what you say and think about what he might say to persuade you to stay. Cut contact with the other chap he will be clouding things. Have you family and friends close for support?
Are you concerned that he will become violent when you tell him?
I would assume your DP has some inkling that things aren't going well and you aren't happy (although maybe not, sometimes people are totally oblivious) so sit him down and explain that you are planning to leave, once you have somewhere to go. No need for you to blame him etc, try and be as kind as you can but only you know how he might react and how much of a shock it might be. However, I would strongly urge you not to pin your hopes of future happiness on the bloke you have been talking to, accept that he might be the catalyst but if things don't work out with him, the emotional fall could be horrendous for you.
I agree with pps that you need to forget about this other man, for now anyway. You need to deal with one thing at a time. Tell your OH that you want to leave, maybe put some things in place beforehand, but don't keep stringing him along as it isn't fair. Then you need to make a settled life for you and your child before getting into another relationship, otherwise things will just get too complicated.
Does your husband know you've been unhappy and will he be shocked you're leaving?
I don't necessarily think you need to end things with the other man, that relationship may give you the strength to do what you need to do. He's showing you that there is an opportunity for you to have the things your relationship is lacking.
If you leave though, it has to be for you, don't assume you'll have a relationship with this new person
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