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Should I stop seeing this man?(23 Posts)
I've been seeing a man on and off for around a year. He is generally kind, thoughtful etc.
About six months ago he started this behaviour of touching me intimately when I'm asleep. Basically he does it until I wake up and he gives me an orgasm and then has sex with me, then we go to sleep again.
It got to the stage I asked him to stop as I was too tired and I had never asked for it, at the same time he is pretty focussed that he wants me to orgasm (hes the same if we have sex other times) which I feel is weird if he is being abusive?
Then I realised a couple of occasions that he had sex with me lying in bed whilst I was asleep, I was on my side and he would lay behind me to have sex without waking me. I would half wake up towards the end but then fell asleep again. I questioned him in the morning but he denied he had sex with me, said I must have dreamed it. Once he messaged me an apology saying it would never happen again.
Last week I saw him and at 3am he started touching me again. I moved his hand away and then he tried again, so I got up and went to sleep elsewhere, I felt frightened. He seemed distressed, apologised and said he respects if I dont want to have sex with him (he has said this before) I asked him to leave at 4am, he went.
Since then I have met him twice but refuse to spend the night with him. He keeps saying he will never touch me if I dont want him to, he asks if I'm refusing to stay because I'm worried he will try to have sex to me and I dont want to.
I feel like he has done enough to show he doesnt actually respect boundaries, that hes happy to wake me for sex when he knows I'm tired and that he will touch me intimately and even quietly have sex with me when he thinks or knows I'm asleep.
He is nice the rest of the time, but I think he will never change, this is likely only to get worse?
You know that 'having sex with me in my sleep' is a synonym for rape, don't you? Actually, I think you do know this and you are looking for permission to believe it. So please, please have my permission and leave this rapey fucker. This is not OK. None of this is OK.
He's insistent that you orgasm so that he can tell you you wanted it or asked for it or liked it, by the way. He's assaulting you and gaslighting you through that assault.
Gosh. This doesn’t sound right to me at all. Sounds like a fetish in fact. It would put me right off a chap never mind the rights and wrongs of it.
It will get worse, but it's bad enough as it is, should not have happened once, deffintley should not have happened again after you told him not to. Why do you need to ask and why have you not binned him off already? You need to raise the bar, don't let your boundaries be crossed repeatedly. Absolutely, end it asap.
go now, keep going, don't hang around.
is this for real.
why do you need to ask.
what would you say to a woman friend who said this to you.
He seemed distressed, apologised and said he respects if I dont want to have sex with him (he has said this before)
As you imply here, he clearly doesn't respect when you don't want to have sex with him, as he's claimed that before and then presumably did it again.
Please, please don't let him convince you to stay at his/be alone with him.
Your thoughts and gut feelings are right.
He is a rapist.
Rapists can rape at any time, he could turn even more nasty, if such a thing is possible.
Please never see him again.
You could even go to the police- if you've kept the apology text it would come in handy.
What do you want to do? You've mentioned feeling uncomfortable, frightened etc. But you haven't said that you want to stop seeing him? Obviously you should stop seeing him, he's raping you. But if you don't want to, then I'd like to know why not? And if you do want to, then I'd like to know what's stopping you? Guilt? Do you think you'd somehow be punishing him? Do you want to be with him for years to come?
Yes please stop seeing this man! He is raping you. No matter how he dresses it up or how much he down plays it. You cannot consent when you are asleep and that’s what gets him off. Please report him to the police and I am so sorry that you have had to go through this.
Get rid of him now! No apologies, no face to face, fuck that. He's been raping you. He will never change because he is a rapist. He's distressed you're not capitulating to it.
'We're through. What you have been doing to me is a crime. You will not contact me again ever. Goodbye.'
As others have said. He’s raping you. I’d use the text with him apologising as proof and report him to the police. He’ll do it again to someone else.
He was distressed?! Yeah sure he was.
OP dont be prioritising his feelings of your own. Get rid and agree if you have clear text evidence you may wish to report to the police, your call though. The onus on him not raping is on him not you!
Please ditch him this is so wrong.
He is a rapist.
It will get worse.
Attempting to continue a relationship with someone who has already repeatedly raped you will destroy you.
Rape Crisis. Women's Aid. Freedom Programme.
This is rape.
Sex while a person is only ok if their partner has given some kind of blanket consent to the other person doing that whenever they like.....or if on a particular night they tell their partner that it would be ok for them to touch them when they sleep.
If not then it's rape....there is no doubt in your situation that this is rape. He knows you don't want it and he keeps doing it.
He is a rapist who should be in prison. Personally, I think you should go to the police. Whatever you decide, do not ever see this man again. He is reprehensible.
Leave him and I'd report him to the police. He's weird. X
This is awful you must end the relationship asap
Please stop seeing him. This will only escalate as he doesn't have any boundaries.
I agree with all the others. I couldn't read this and not respond. I recently met someone who even on text was too forward for my liking and it all seemed to be about sex. I could tell he had a high sex drive. We met up a few times slept together but he was all over me all the time it was so annoying like I had to give it to him coz he wanted it. He then accused me of not liking sex, which isn't true I just wanted to shout at him just 'leave me the fuck alone' and that if your so horny all the time then see someone about this or maybe wank a bit in private. But he did to me what this guy was doing to you. I woke up once and he was having sexual with me, I am a light sleeper and so woke up pretty quickly. I literally didn't know what to do. I was so angry, told him what he did, he apologised but I never saw him again. It isn't right to do this.
He seemed frightened because he categorically knows what he is doing is rape.
He only cares about himself. Leave.
Thanks for all the replies. It took a while to read them because I knew the answer but was scared of the truth. I will stop seeing him, I'll see if I have to texts still to be able to go to the police but I'm pretty sure they were written in a non incriminating way, ie 'I'm so sorry about last night, it wont happen again' could mean anything, it doesnt specifically admit rape.
I don't know why I kept seeing him, I suppose I've had a lot of rubbish boyfriends/ex-husband over the years and he seemed quite genuine in a lot of ways.
I agree I need to stay single or start dating again.
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