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Oh god Iv got myself in a pickle

(14 Posts)
Tatoo Fri 26-Jun-20 20:30:20

Met my BF 2 years ago through our teenage children. He was newly single and pretty cut up about it. he didn’t treat me well for the first 6 months and we spilt up, he stayed online dating and telling me he wanted exclusivity, then said his head was all over the place and needed space and didn’t want the relationship stress (work and divorce was particularly hard for us both at the time), went on night out and slept with someone else. Obviously this was enough for me and I walked away. Anyway 2 months passed and we got back in touch. He said how sorry he was and that he hadn’t been ready for a relationship but seen something in me that he also didn’t want to let go. That he was so upset about us being apart and that he was willing to wait however long I wanted to feel close to him again. So for 3 months (feb-mar 19) we took it slowly, no sex, just dating and getting to know each other, full openness, fun, laughter, talked a lot and we kept nothing from each other, he answered every question honestly even when it was hard. So in March last year I told him that I was let down but because of it all but was willing to give it another go.
So 15 months later it’s still going amazingly well, both less stressed and he’s the man I fell in love with from day one before life stress got in the way but I get days where I remember the first 6 months and feel let down by him. He ruined our honeymoon period, I now feel our whole relationship will be tainted. He’s said he wants us to buy a house together because since lockdown he’s been at mine and we don’t really see the point in two houses when we enjoyed Being together for the past 3 months and at some point I agreed (was a good week) now I’m having second thoughts. I do love him Very much and I don’t want to split up regardless of buying a house together.
Financially to me it doesn’t make too much difference, I own my own home and two others I rent out. He owns his own house but not as much equity as me but enough so we can go half each on something else much nicer and better. I won’t be stuck if it goes wrong but he would be. I could use the rest of my equity for a 3rd rental property.
I however don’t earn much as I live off my rentals but he earns 5 times more than me.
I’m so confused, do I just go for it? Makes it financially beneficial for us both (more so for me but he will get a nicer house to live in too). Would it make us stronger or bring back the stress from 2018?
What would everyone else do? I’m not getting married, I don’t see the point, I have my security and children’s inheritance, as does he but we could have a much nicer house between us

OP’s posts: |
Mycatsmellsbad Fri 26-Jun-20 20:36:45

You’ve only been living together for 3 months, and these aren’t normal times, so I would say that’s too soon to start buying a house together if you’re not 100% sure. If you’re happy now why rock the boat? Just wait a bit, you could use the uncertainty in the housing market as an excuse if you’re worried how he will react.

Tatoo Fri 26-Jun-20 20:37:13

I’d like add we are mid to late 40’s, children are 17-21 now and are happy with the relationship. The new house would be a bigger one for us all and to be nice for when grandchildren come into the scene (my oldest is in a long term relationship and looking to move out soon with her fiancé however a larger house would mean they could
Move back with us to save for their own house deposit)

OP’s posts: |
Tatoo Fri 26-Jun-20 20:40:45

Thanks @Mycatsmellsbad yes it’s only been 3 months but now it’s all returning back to normal should I tell him to return to his house? I would Really miss him being here to be honest and he would miss me. Before the lock down he would stay at mine 3-4 nights a week and me at his 2 so we spent most night together anyway

OP’s posts: |
IncrediblySadToo Fri 26-Jun-20 20:42:29

Why not say you'd like that, but don't want to even think about buying until 2021 with Covid etc.

See how things go...

mindutopia Fri 26-Jun-20 20:44:46

I would say you are still very much in the honeymoon period, nothing ruined if you’re feeling happy now.

But no I wouldn’t buy a house with someone I’d been with for a year and a half and only lived with for 3 months. Give it another year (and then your youngest will be about to fly the nest anyway).

Your different incomes are no problem. Just make sure what you each put into the house is air tight and you are doing it proportionate to what equity you have and your incomes.

sassenach84 Fri 26-Jun-20 20:48:30

You are unsure, understandably- so wait for now. He can go back to his house or move to yours and rent his house out. Don't make any big financial commitments yet.

whatayearitis Fri 26-Jun-20 21:13:54

Take your time, do not rush it.
While you are in your new honeymoon faze enjoy the opportunity to have that space if needed.
He could always rent his house one day?
Let go of the past relationship stuff and focus how you want it to be or become.

ShadowMane Fri 26-Jun-20 21:25:49


I’d like add we are mid to late 40’s, children are 17-21 now and are happy with the relationship. The new house would be a bigger one for us all and to be nice for when grandchildren come into the scene (my oldest is in a long term relationship and looking to move out soon with her fiancé however a larger house would mean they could
Move back with us to save for their own house deposit)

ok - so GC are not here yet, dont rush into buying with him - could he rent out his place, possibly even to your oldest? and live with you?

NoMoreDickheads Fri 26-Jun-20 22:16:36

Time does eventually heal.

I wouldn't move in to a new home until you feel more over it- there's no hurry and you're together most/all of the time as you are anyway. You could carry on as you are for now.

Tatoo Fri 26-Jun-20 23:14:30

Thanks everyone, I think covid is a good excuse to wait and see what happens with the housing market. We would be selling to buy so ours would go up and down with whatever we’re buying. However the market is really good at the moment so now would be a good time seeing as we’re swapping two for one.
I do prefer the idea of him renting his out and moving in with me permanently for now, it’s not really big enough for all his stuff tho and the kids wouldn’t all have their own room when they stay like they do at the moment. Although @ShadowMane thanks for that amazing idea that he rents to my oldest, he could at a very reduced rate as it would be quite a lot for them at the going rate, then that would open a room at mine so his don’t have to share, he could then keep a lot of his stuff at his in two of the unused bedrooms maybe. That might work well. That would be a way of him contributing to the family dynamics and giving my oldest and her fiancé a cheap place to live.
I will approach the subject with him, I’m sure that he will think it sounds fab
I’m sure I’m just having cold feet as he was shitty to start but seeing as it’s good now I don’t want to throw that away, I just don’t want to jump in too far as my guard is up because of what happened.
I feel like a teenager, not a 40 something not many years off being a grandmother 🙈

OP’s posts: |
GilbertMarkham Sat 27-Jun-20 02:18:56

Someone you got back involved with after they treated you shittily and cheated on you will always (whether they'd ever admit it or not) think you're a soft touch and lack respect for you. I really wouldn't be making long-term plans with them that would affect your stability, finances etc.

I know that sounds harsh and is not what you want to hear but ..

A confused, unsettled person who.was decent - would not gave treated someone shittily and cheated; it's just excuses.

He's shown you who he is, ignore that at your peril.

Monty27 Sat 27-Jun-20 02:23:31

OP do you trust him to keep stable now? Insofar as he doesn't let you down again? Is that what's really bothering you?

IdblowJonSnow Sat 27-Jun-20 02:25:28

I think I agree with Gilbert I'm afraid OP.
In any case it's way too soon to get a house together, particularly after his previous behaviour and also in the current climate.

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