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Is it normal to be codependent in a relationship?

(64 Posts)
and53 Fri 26-Jun-20 16:13:09

I think we are both codependent in the relationship. From what I researched, it's unhealthy. DP says it's normal and I'm picking.

OP’s posts: |
TorkTorkBam Fri 26-Jun-20 16:18:37

No. Not normal. That is why is has a special name.

What makes you think you are both codependent? That's odd. The codependent goes with the dependent. The name came from one person being dependent on alcohol/drugs, then the researchers noticed they often had an enabler partner who they labelled the codependent.

and53 Fri 26-Jun-20 16:27:53

I rely on him for all my advice, emotional support, taking me to work, picking me up, always being there for me, he's the number one person I go to.
He relies on me for all of his happiness and emotional support.
He says that it's 'normal' in a long term relationship to be like this but I'm unsure.

OP’s posts: |
Bananalanacake Fri 26-Jun-20 16:28:16

no, not normal, you need your own group of friends, interests, hobbies and social life to be kept apart from your relationship.

FieldOverFence Fri 26-Jun-20 16:30:04

God no that's not normal - relying on him to get you to/from work is worrying - what would you do if he was sick ?

ConnellWaldronsChain Fri 26-Jun-20 16:31:18

Some relationships are like that but most aren't

I don't think there is any right or wrong about it but I would personally find it too claustrophobic as I like my space

NoMoreDickheads Fri 26-Jun-20 16:32:03

Erm, no. As PP said, that's why there's a word for it. smile

As above, both people aren't usually co-dependent. There's usually for instance a narcissist or addict or whatever, and the other person is co-dependent. (Though with partners of narcissists/abusers the term 'co-dependent' is not approved of by everyone, as to some it implies that the partner is doing something wrong, when they're not necessarily, they're 'just' being abused.)

What sort of thing is happening that doesn't seem right to you?

MobLife Fri 26-Jun-20 16:33:58

You sound like you're describing your mum not your husband 😕
Do you want it to be like that i.e are you happy? How do you want it to be different?

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow Fri 26-Jun-20 16:35:58

Yeah, that's not normal at all! You should be able to function as an individual, independent from him. What did you do before you met him?

KylieKoKo Fri 26-Jun-20 16:36:19

Being totally dependent on one person puts a lot of pressure on them. What if your dependency on your dp becomes too much for him and he needs to set a boundary? What if you find that you can't provide all the emotional support he needs yet he is unwilling or unable to seek support elsewhere or be self sufficient?

SunshineSmellsLikeSummer Fri 26-Jun-20 16:36:42

It wouldnt suit me but i have a few friends who are in entirely co-dependent relationships and it seems to work for them. I wouldn't like it because they appear to be very claustrophobic and I like my independence but horses for courses and all that.

My exh is now in a relationship that our children describe as 'co-dependent' - she's very needy and he needs to be needed. But they are very happy together. My independence was certainly an issue for him when I was with him.

I think it's really important for people to have separate friends and interests. You need to keep your own life and control over it.

PicsInRed Fri 26-Jun-20 16:37:06

He sounds controlling.

What would he say if you told him you want to make your own way to and from work?

Do you drive? Or have your own tube/bus pass?

PicsInRed Fri 26-Jun-20 16:37:55

Are you allowed to go to the supermarket by yourself, or does he "insist" on coming too, maybe because he would "miss" you?

namechange8765422 Fri 26-Jun-20 16:39:44

You sound like you have a lovely relationship, OP.

Co-dependency is something else entirely and I misunderstood the term like you did when I first heard it. It involves one person being dependant on something else - like drugs, alcohol, mental health support etc. And then the other person in the co-dependant relationship takes a supporting role which works so well for that person that they NEED their partner to stay dependant on that drug/alcohol/mental health need in order for them to continue feeling needed.

Enjoy your lovely supportive relationship without worry flowers

NoMoreDickheads Fri 26-Jun-20 16:39:51

Saw your update- of course it's good when partners help each other out, but if partners are each other's only source of support it isn't ideal, especially if it's 'enabling' one of the partners and stopping them seeking professional, evidence help for their mental heath or anything.

It can also be draining if someone relies on you too much.

And if there are ever problems in the relationship it's good to have a friend who you can confide in and ask their input.
-
Getting a lift to work and back is ok IMO. If he ever can't do it you can make alternative arrangements for a while.
-
Just looked at your wording again.

He relies on me for all of his happiness and emotional support.

Nooo, this is not good. I have/had someone like this, and it's quite a burden to have that amount of responsibility. He needs his own hobbies and interests, so he doesn't have only you in his life.

Fungster Fri 26-Jun-20 16:40:06

It's not normal. You're responsible for all of your husband's happiness and emotional support? How suffocating. He sounds like a child. It's unhealthy and I don't know how you can stand it.

Fungster Fri 26-Jun-20 16:41:04

Why are you relying on him to take you to and from work? Assuming you're not disabled, why aren't you doing that yourself?

NoMoreDickheads Fri 26-Jun-20 16:41:10

Enjoy your lovely supportive relationship without worry

@namechange8765422 OP being her DH's 'only source of happiness' isn't right.

Pinkblueberry Fri 26-Jun-20 16:41:15

I rely on him for all my advice, emotional support, taking me to work, picking me up, always being there for me, he's the number one person I go to.
He relies on me for all of his happiness and emotional support.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with this as long as you felt confident that you could do without if you needed to. I think there’s a difference between relying on someone because they’re there, supporting one another and being completely dependent on someone and unable to function by yourself. Of course you should bring your husband happiness and vice versa, otherwise what’s the point in being together? But being ‘all of his’ happiness sounds a bit much and like a lot of pressure!

NoMoreDickheads Fri 26-Jun-20 16:43:31

Why are you relying on him to take you to and from work? Assuming you're not disabled, why aren't you doing that yourself?

My bestie/ex drops me off/picks me up a lot when he can. It's cheaper than taxis, and easier than buses/trains. I do a lot of things for him so it balances out, in fact I probably do more stuff for him.

Duckfinger Fri 26-Jun-20 16:45:05

and53

I rely on him for all my advice, emotional support, taking me to work, picking me up, always being there for me, he's the number one person I go to.
He relies on me for all of his happiness and emotional support.
He says that it's 'normal' in a long term relationship to be like this but I'm unsure.

Is this what co-dependant means?

In my experience most people in long term relationships (proper long term like decades at 20 yrs we just scrape into that definition) are those that have grown up together with similar interests,are each others best friends as well as lovers.

For us, I was a teenager when we got together there wasn't a grown up me without him. He wasn't much older so it is the same, we are very similar people makes sense if we want to do he same things we do them all together.

It is completely normal for me and the people I know to be first and in most cases only line of emotional support for their partner.

I actually find the notion of sharing emotional things with a friend very uncomfortable I wouldn't want anyone knowing my business.

Ragwort Fri 26-Jun-20 16:48:07

I would find that totally unhealthy and suffocating ... do you have your own friends, hobbies, interests? What would happen if one of you left the other or died ? (Sorry to be blunt, just being realistic).

No one should rely on one person for all their emotional support and providing happiness- there's a big difference between supporting each other and neediness.

Fungster Fri 26-Jun-20 16:50:20

I actually find the notion of sharing emotional things with a friend very uncomfortable I wouldn't want anyone knowing my business.

I think that's very unusual and actually a little sad.

CodenameVillanelle Fri 26-Jun-20 16:54:24

It's not actually codependency but it's not healthy. Nobody should rely on their partner to meet all their emotional needs; it's too much pressure on that person and the receptacle risks becoming a focus of anger and resentment if they don't meet the other's expectations.
For someone in your position you should have a wider selection of friends and confidantes. You should be exposed to a wider range of views not just your husband's.

Voxx Fri 26-Jun-20 16:58:38

As other posters have explained, I don’t think you understand the meaning of co-dependant. It’s used to describe a situation where one partner is an addict and the other an enabler.

That said, your relationship sounds stifling and unhealthy to me.

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