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I've been an idiot, and I don't know what to do now

(114 Posts)
PotOfYoghurt Fri 26-Jun-20 10:25:54

I'm an idiot. An immature idiot who's now fucking up someone else's life. If you read this and can help me straighten my thoughts out or just be someone who listens I would appreciate it. I don't know who to talk to or what to do. I will try and type everything so as not to drip feed.

A year ago I started seeing someone. He was very kind, attentive, a good listener. He apologised when he did something wrong and admitted he was at fault and made sure not to do it again. All good things, I thought.

I think I wilfully ignored all of the bad signs.

We moved too fast, together from the first date. I think looking back now I was so immature with relationships, starved for attention and due to horrendous low self esteem I ignored this typical red flag and chose instead to hope that we would be the exception to the rule, one of the couples you hear about who get engaged after two weeks and are happily married for 20 years.

He still lived at home at 28 and had everything done for him by his mum. I told him that if we were to have a serious relationship and move in together I wouldn't be doing anything like that and that it was very important to me to have an equal partner who took care of their share of things, and that I didn't want to be with a man child.

We moved in together after 6 months. Two months later I got pregnant due to a ripped condom. I took the MAP but must have already ovulated. We talked about me having a termination, but being in my late 20s and having issues with my ovaries and not even knowing if I would be able to conceive and carry a child I decided to continue with the pregnancy.

We've been living together since the new year and there's a regular pattern of him not doing anything around the house, anything, then I get upset and point it out and say it's not good enough and that I told him this wasn't what I wanted in a relationship, and then he gets upset at himself and promises to change and to try harder and he'll do a few things for a few days and then it stops again.

We've just had the same talk. I told him that these things never improve after a baby is born and only get worse, that we've had this conversation so many times but nothing has changed in six months, so how long am I supposed to keep waiting and hoping that things will change? I said that I didn't want to stay together hoping things improve only to break up in another year or so because nothing has changed.

He broke down and cried, and said he doesn't know why he does it and that it's not because he doesn't love me it's because he doesn't love himself.

I know he's struggling with a bit of depression and anxiety, his weight has just been going up and up since he had a bad breakup a few years ago. I suggested he try therapy and he's been going for a couple of months. He also has untreated sleep apnoea which was finally confirmed last week, which I told him he had when we first got together, and he's had blood tests last week to see if there's another reason he's always so tired/mentally fatigued. He said he almost hopes they say he has diabetes so there's a reason for the way he feels.

So I know physically he's not great, and mentally he's not great and that it all exacerbates each other, and I've tried to be patient and not get upset when he falls asleep when we're talking or when he can't remember anything I tell him, even important things, but the reason for his behaviour or how sorry he is doesn't change the effect it has on me, our relationship, and in the future, our child. I don't want my child to grow up and see that modelled as a way of how to behave in a relationship. Whether it's a boy or a girl it will grow up learning how to take care of yourself and how to take care of others.

He has many good qualities. He's very kind, and can be thoughtful and bring me home things I like to eat or flowers. He's gentle, and never raised his voice. He loves this baby very much, and gets very emotional whenever he looks at scan pictures etc.

I said this morning that I can't afford to stay in the UK and be a single parent. At least in London where we live. I've been furloughed since it came in, and I will have to quit my job once the baby is born as it's not something that's possible to continue to do. I have no family in this country. I said that the most sensible option is for me to go back to my home country where I have family support, and to go before the baby is born because no matter how kind he is now, things can always change after a breakup and he would be able to stop me leaving the country if the baby is born here. And then I would be trapped.

But I'm still fucking up this baby's life. It will grow up without two parents. He won't be able to see the baby for a long time after it's born because the borders are closed from CV19. He won't be able to get into the country. And even then, we live on opposite sides of the world with a very expensive flight in between us. He wouldn't be able to be a present father.

I want nothing more than for us to be together, as a family, and for things to work out. There is still, even now, a tiny part of me that is foolishly hoping this will be the catalyst he needs to change and to step up. But if it hasn't happened so far when will it? I feel like a stupid little girl blindly crossing her fingers.

I was stupid to let things move too fast, I was stupid to move in together so fast and to get pregnant so fast. None of this should've happened. I'm so angry at myself for letting myself get into this position. I never thought I would be here. This isn't how I wanted my life to be.

So I've fucked up, and now I've fucked up another human being's life who isn't even born yet. I don't know what advice I'm looking for, I just feel so overwhelmed and so heartbroken, and even if no one replies it was cathartic to write it down.

OP’s posts: |
SomeoneElseEntirelyNow Fri 26-Jun-20 10:34:13

Oh OP. This all sounds really stressful and tiring and miserable, even if you weren't pregnant.

I don't think i can offer you any helpful advice, but FWIW i think you're right, he's not going to change, and it's a bad dynamic for a child to grow up in.

The ideal scenario would be you split up and remain in the UK to allow your child to have a relationship with their father. Is that really not possible? He'd have to pay CMS, would you be able to claim benefits or similar?

bluebell34567 Fri 26-Jun-20 10:34:32

he doesnt look like he will change and will be the same for the rest of your lives with the baby.
so, depending on this you can make a decision.

MarkRuffaloCrumble Fri 26-Jun-20 10:45:46

First of all stop beating yourself up about being stupid. You’re not. You don’t have to justify your decision to carry on with your pregnancy. Anyone who judges someone for having a baby in any circumstance isn’t worth listening to, so please don’t keep feeling like you’ve fucked up just by being pregnant.

Kids are brought up in all sorts of family circumstances and they thrive as long as they’re loved, which yours will be.

As for your DP, blood tests are a positive step, but you have to consider that if nothing physical or fixable shows up, that this man is going to be next to useless as a dad. He’s shown that he can’t step up and do his share even after repeatedly telling him that he needs to.

It sounds like you have a few months left to sort this out before the baby arrives so I’d suggest speaking to someone official about your rights as a mother to either remain here or take your baby back to be with your family. I’d start planning to be a single parent either way. sad

crimsonlake Fri 26-Jun-20 10:52:16

My first question is does he have a job?

Zaphodsotherhead Fri 26-Jun-20 10:57:02

I'm not sure I'm aware of any medical condition which means a man can't lift a finger in the house.

All the emotion and kindness in the world don't mean anything when you're knee deep in dirty nappies with a colicky screaming baby, the dishes need doing, the washing machine is full and finished and he's crying and saying he's sorry and giving you flowers but not actually, you know, HELPING IN ANY WAY.

I think he's just never learned to adult. And it's a bit late now for him, because a baby is one hell of a crash course in needing to be a grown up. Sorry, OP, I can't give you any more concrete help than other than to tell you that even men who appear to have their shit together can totally fail to step up once a sleep-depriving, irrational baby turns up.

category12 Fri 26-Jun-20 10:57:22

I think you're being very sensible to leave now before the baby is born. Please do this.

It's possible that you might be able to resume/continue a relationship long distance and maybe he'll shape up and join you. But staying traps you away from your family and support network, so go. It's your best chance of happiness for yourself and your baby.

category12 Fri 26-Jun-20 11:07:34

Why is it the ideal for the woman to stay in a foreign country away from her family support to struggle as a single parent and live on benefits for the sake of enabling the father's relationship with the child?hmm He could travel regularly or move and keep a relationship via Internet. They could visit. There are ways of making it work that don't involve her sacrificing everything on his altar.

MarkRuffaloCrumble Fri 26-Jun-20 11:09:48

I'm not sure I'm aware of any medical condition which means a man can't lift a finger in the house

That’s not entirely true - thyroid issues, low iron, depression etc can all cause exhaustion, which would make it very difficult for him to be motivated to do anything physical. Of course he could also just be a lazy man child, but worth ruling out and treating any physical illness too.

PotOfYoghurt Fri 26-Jun-20 11:25:08

Thank you all for responding. I have dual citizenship so can stay here indefinitely, but I have no family here and no long term or close friends except for one, who is currently in a relationship with a horrible financially and emotionally abusive man who said he will never let her take their son back to her home country, even though her son was born back home and the dad flew out to be there and promised if she came back to the UK she could leave whenever she wanted if things didn't work out. And now she's trapped here with no family and no support because of The Hague convention. I don't want that to happen to me.

Yes he has a job, £32k ish. He's just called his gp for his blood results and the only thing is low vitamin D. Everything else is fine.

I just feel like he's in shit place physically and mentally and not taking care of himself, he was never made to and never took the initiative to learn and the way he feels about himself and his general laziness is stopping him from learning now. I know he'll have more energy and feel better once he gets his CPAP machine, but again that was something I had to push him to do.

I think if I hadn't suggested it he would never have gone to the dr about it, never sought therapy, never take vitamins to make up for his poor diet etc. He's bought self help books about procrastination and communication and also has some fatherhood books but hasn't finished any of them.

We had talked about moving home to my country together, he lived there for a couple of years as a teenager and loved it and has always wanted to move back, but he wouldn't even be able to get into the country without me being on the same flight as him.

I'm just so desperately sad to be in this position. And I know beating myself up won't change the past and won't change the circumstances now, no matter how much I wish they were different. I'm only 4 months along so I have a few months left to leave before I can't fly.

OP’s posts: |
category12 Fri 26-Jun-20 11:28:17

You need to do what's right for you.

Scrumpyjacks Fri 26-Jun-20 11:40:00

I never understand the mn way that fathers are to be pushed to the wayside and you're free to take his child away to another country knowing we won't be able to visit.

Yes he sounds lazy but I think, while that one of the reasons you want the relationship to end, I don't think that you can say he doesn't deserve to see his child regularly.
Reverse the roles. If he were to take your child away to another country with out you, how would you feel about it? You knew when you discussed the baby that youre from different countries and he probably presumed you were living in this country for the long term.
I don't think you should take the baby away from him. It isn't fair. If you want to split then that's fine but it takes two to tango and you arnt innocent in the situation of having your child here with a resident of this country.

FlamedToACrisp Fri 26-Jun-20 11:48:12

I'm not always quick to shout "LTB!" but in this case, it might be better in the long run. This relationship isn't what you wanted, it isn't what you need now and it definitely isn't what you are likely to need in the future.

In general, is your life better or worse for having him in it?

The only thing I would take issue with is your use of the word 'laziness.' From the sound of it, his depression and other medical issues are all genuine reasons for his inertia, but they are not reasons to stay - you are not his personal nurse.

I'm sure he's a lovely kind person, but he's not a keeper.

Fere Fri 26-Jun-20 11:59:18

He acts like your (spoiled) child. You are not to do all that emotional labour to bring him up! He has to change and he doesn't. No matter depression or laziness he has to fix it, not you.

You are not ruining your baby's life! You are saving it from having an unreliable man around him.

Please move back home, settle there. Everything will be fine.

Nameisthegame Fri 26-Jun-20 12:01:29

Leave the country ! have your family support, be independent and get another job. He can move back in with his parents at 32k that’s plenty enough to fly and visit or pay for you both to visit. I can assure you through experience that living with someone who doesn’t pull their weight or help with the baby is extremely isolating and soo much hard work. you have 1 child to care for give them your best.

CardsforKittens Fri 26-Jun-20 12:01:32

My partner was similar when I met him but much older than yours and there’s no baby to consider. I strongly suspect he has attention deficit disorder or some other executive function issue, because he’s not a shit person but he really doesn’t see housework and doesn’t remember what I’ve said to him or what he’s agreed to do, and he has similar organisational difficulties in other spheres of his life. But he is very kind and will do anything I ask... my problem is that I don’t want to be the household manager because that’s a lot of mental load.

In practical terms we now have a division of labour. He has his jobs (bins, hoovering, dishes etc) and I have mine (bathroom, kitchen etc). He has multiple disabilities that affect his mobility and energy levels, but so have I and the division of labour needs to be fair. It works reasonably well most of the time now. By the way, my DP found the CPAP machine made quite a big difference. I hope your partner will also find it helps. Anyway, I really empathise with your frustration and distress and I wish you all the luck in finding a solution that works for you.

Nameisthegame Fri 26-Jun-20 12:04:37

If he gets his act together you could help him move to the country but do not put him first people always ask women to give up so much more than men when they have children and ffs it’s 2020 we should not stand for it any longer.

justilou1 Fri 26-Jun-20 12:10:50

Oh Fuck, kiddo... just go!

lowlandLucky Fri 26-Jun-20 12:16:20

Dont give up just yet, he probably has no idea where to start, after all his Mother ran after him until he was nearly 30. Start by writing a list every day of what he needs to do ( i know you shouldn't have too) and tell him that after a month he will need to being working off his own initiative

missperegrinespeculiar Fri 26-Jun-20 12:17:12

well, sorry, but having grown up without a father (he died when I was little), I would really try all I can before depriving my child of a paternal figure, especially a man that you say already deeply loves the baby, it is not something I would do unless compelled, it damaged me deeply

Takingontheworld Fri 26-Jun-20 12:17:43

Book the flight honey.

I don't think its fair to deprive him a chance at hands on father hood- BUT the repercussions for you and baby if you stay outweigh the likelihood of him pulling his finger out and stepping up with long term success.

Go. Go now. X

MitziK Fri 26-Jun-20 12:19:06

Go home. It's where you want and need to be. Your child will have fewer disadvantages growing up with one parent and family than one parent and somebody who can't act like an adult and wails about how hard it is that you won't be his Mummy.

If he's serious about sorting his shit out, he'll do it.

cheekaa Fri 26-Jun-20 12:20:16

Sleep apnea can be very testing on the wellbeing of any individual. For two years I suffered from extreme fatigue and not being able to do anything. All I wanted to do was sleep. Sometimes I would sleep nearly twenty hours a day. My GP initially treated me for low Vit D and iron but last year I ended up in hospital with pneumonia and was finally diagnosed with sleep apnea. I now use a CPAP machine and it has made an enormous difference to my daily life.
Please ask him to discuss this with his GP and get referred to a Sleep Clinic.

Thunderbolted Fri 26-Jun-20 12:23:03

Can he move to your home country? If so maybe suggest this. Even if he can't I'd still leave.

user12699422578 Fri 26-Jun-20 12:24:40

But if it hasn't happened so far when will it?

It won't.

There are so many gigantic warning signs that this was what would happen. You missed them at the time, but you have an opportunity now to act in order to safeguard the future. It will get worse, not better.

having grown up without a father (he died when I was little), I would really try all I can before depriving my child of a paternal figure

It's not about you and your trauma, though. And encouraging the op to stay in a destructive environment is not going to heal the pain in your life. The op cannot change this man's choices and actions.

An exploitative, manipulative man mistreating their mother is not going to benefit the child. It will cause damage - serious lifelong damage.

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