Anyone else in 2 year, post-divorce relationship?

[Mosquitobite]

I have teenage DCs, he has older ones. Got together exactly 2 years ago. Had some ups and downs (mental illness) but still together. My DCs didn’t like me having a partner, the older one has come round, younger one won’t have anything to do with him. So I’ve kept our homes “separate” and I live at his place when DCs are with their father every other week. His kids are older and mostly left home/living with mother, so not an issue for him.

We tried “blending” the families a bit at one stage - meals out together, but it was tricky as mine didn’t really like him, although they liked his kids. He has 5 from 2 marriages, so it has always been a combination of some - older ones are away.

He suggested buying a place together but as my kids are so anti, I’ve decided to wait until my youngest (14) leaves home. I’m also aware that he can be chaotic with his income. He’s a professional, but works on short term contracts. He does own 3 properties (each mortgaged but 1 BTL). I own my house outright. His plan is for us to be away some of the time of the year, not sure when from - next year? This plan needs some refinement. One of my kids would be at university, the other at boarding school, so this could work - and/or he can be away alone for sporadic chunks of time.

What am I asking? I guess I just want to hear from people in the same position. The honeymoon period has worn off and I feel a bit insecure. We don’t have baby plans or anything like that, so how should this relationship “be”?

[OldOakTreeRibbon]

You own your own house outright, that’s good - I’d keep it that way - you can always rent it out for income or let your children live in it, if you are living with him ( but contribute to his household bills as appropriate).

I wouldn’t buy a house with him, just because he says to. Also, does he want you to give up your job to travel with him. It’s all about what he wants, but what about what you want, and what happens if you break up?

If he’s managed to acquire 3 houses, and has 5 children he must be quite savvy with keeping hold of property assets.

[category12]

I'd stick to the status quo. Two years isn't long and you currently have security and a nice home of your own.

I'm not sure what benefit you'd get from pushing on with the "relationship escalator" when your dc don't like him and you're in a good position financially living apart.

Give it time and enjoy it as it is.

[Mosquitobite]

@OldOakTreeRibbon

You own your own house outright, that’s good - I’d keep it that way - you can always rent it out for income or let your children live in it, if you are living with him ( but contribute to his household bills as appropriate).

I wouldn’t buy a house with him, just because he says to. Also, does he want you to give up your job to travel with him. It’s all about what he wants, but what about what you want, and what happens if you break up?

If he’s managed to acquire 3 houses, and has 5 children he must be quite savvy with keeping hold of property assets.

Thank you, OldOak, yes, this is my thinking - keep hold of my house. My work is flexible at the moment and I’ve decided it so I can work from anywhere. However, I’ve decided I can’t keep waiting for the “plan” to start, and am applying for further work to boost my income.

Yes - I waved between thinking he must be v financially savvy, and that he’s chaotic! I think it’s that he takes more financial risks than I do.

That’s exactly it... what happens if we break up? Sometimes I feel there’s no real security. But he pointed out that also I can only commit so far. I have to put my kids first.

[Mosquitobite]

Thank you, Category12. I will keep telling myself that. Sometimes I forget to just enjoy the relationship in the here& now...

[Mosquitobite]

Meant to add. The only problem is that it feels like I am constantly living out of a bag!

[Sunnydays123456]

Me and my partner (fiancé !) are 4 years together and live apart as don’t want to do the blended family thing entirely

We prob will when my youngest is older and the other teens are at uni
I like not living together all the time tbh
We do spend a lot of time at the other’s place (he is usually here two weeks out of a month in totall)

[Sunnydays123456]

My sister did the full blended thing and massively regrets not keep things separate !

[ravenmum]

Sounds pretty well organised to me. The living out of a suitcase must be a pain, but otherwise ... why not?
I've been in a live-out arrangement for 3 years - we just visit one another, stay overnight a couple of times a week. That means I don't feel like I'm living out of a suitcase. He's the one with a younger child, we have no plans to do any blending. There are pros and cons of not living together - it keeps the relationship fresh, but that also means it takes more effort :)

As long as everyone is OK with it, do what suits you! There are no rules.

[Mosquitobite]

Thanks for replies! This is interesting... sounds like it may be wiser for me to keep to the routine. We seem a cautious bunch on here but it’s hard when there are children involved! This has been a helpful thread.

[RantyAnty]

Why don't your kids like him?

I wouldn't buy a house with him. He has 3 already. Did he acquire any of them through his exs?

You don't have to stay all week with him.

[category12]

We seem a cautious bunch on here

I like to think it can be a bit of an antidote to the enormous social expectation that you have to keep "levelling up" in the amount of commitment in relationships, when actually staying in one place isn't always a bad thing. Especially for women who tend to end up with a ton of "wifework" if they go into living together relationships.

You're not planning children together. You're secure, your dc are happy. Why change things?

[Mosquitobite]

@RantyAnty

Why don't your kids like him?

I wouldn't buy a house with him. He has 3 already. Did he acquire any of them through his exs?

You don't have to stay all week with him.

My kids don’t like him because he’s unconventional. From what they say, I think they would dislike ANY partner. They find it hard to see their parents (my ex too) with others, and the idea of sharing their home.

He has 3 properties but only 1 is a house. No, none were acquired through his exes.

Good point, I don’t have to stay all week, but I really enjoy being with him. I do sometimes see him for the odd hour here and there in the weeks I have my kids, if the DCs are out seeing their friends.

[Mosquitobite]

@category12

We seem a cautious bunch on here

I like to think it can be a bit of an antidote to the enormous social expectation that you have to keep "levelling up" in the amount of commitment in relationships, when actually staying in one place isn't always a bad thing. Especially for women who tend to end up with a ton of "wifework" if they go into living together relationships.

You're not planning children together. You're secure, your dc are happy. Why change things?

Thank you so much, Category12... Yes, I guess that’s why I posted. There is social expectation that we should be living together by now. I am very hesitant to commit too much in case I end up doing too much wifework - it’s why I divorced my ex. At the moment, if his place is unclean, it’s his problem and not mine. If something breaks, if something runs out... I mean, I help but it doesn’t feel like my problem. The upshot is that sometimes I feel sad he isn’t around in my place to help me, but we did try that and it doesnt work so well. For starters, I live further away, and the space is different.

Good point. If it ain’t broke, why fix it? Hmm.

[Sunnydays123456]

My teens are a bit ambivalent about my dp -they get on ok but aren’t madly enthusiastic about him often (they liked him much more before they became teenagers tbh!)

It’s fine as we don’t live together all the time and they don’t have to be BFFs or anything

Think it’s prob quite common with teenagers - I can remember all us cousins really made a point of not liking my nana’s new husband at age about 15-16 for absolutely no reason !

[Mosquitobite]

Thank you Sunnydays, it helps to hear from others. He gets quite upset that my kids don’t like him. He made a big effort at first with fishing trips, meals out, etc - think he had visions of being a doting stepfather type, he has enjoyed parenting his kids very much - but mine have been adamant they won’t be part of it Have to respect that, I guess.