Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
Angry all the time post abuse, is this normal?(108 Posts)
Has anybody gone through this and have any advice, will it ever end, is this normal?
I came out of 11 year abusive last year with trauma and PTSD. I seem to be moving past constant fear and onto anger. I’m angry all the time, just scratch the surface and I’m pissed off. I know I’m not angry with the situation or people in front of me now. I’m angry about what happened, how it happened, how I never knew I was living so bad. I’m angry as when I met my husband I just finished my Masters, i’d been in magazines, newspapers, the radio, I was a vibrant achiever, I was in the flow of opportunities. It literally stopped the day I met him (I won’t go into details, I’m sure we all know how abuse works).
Now I’m none of those things, I’m struggling to regain my identity, working through my fear, trying to raise my daughter alone, trying to get myself working like a normal human and not get freaked out by the slightest thing. I am not myself at all, not like I was, so I’m pissed off at life and at him!
I have a right to be pissed off but it’s not really helpful all the time!
@Fightingback16 I'm sorry that happened to you and you lost your momentum. You are still that person. You were strong enough to leave the abusive arsehole and rebuild your life. You are strong and you are capable.
This is not going to suddenly be fixed overnight OP.
I think you are putting way too much pressure on yourself to be 'over this'
It's just not how it works.
You've have 11 years of conditioning to come to terms with.
You have to rediscover who you are.
Stop expecting miracles.
Take your time.
Be kind to yourself.
You have every right to be royally pissed off. Nothing wrong with that at all. Anger is all part of the grieving process.
Grieving is what you are doing.
It can take years.
Please just take things a day a time for now.
Do some reading. Practice something that works for you, like mindfulness maybe?
Well done on getting out. Be very proud of yourself for that.
You will start to find yourself soon enough. But please don't force it.
I do try a lot of things, I’ve started to draw again but I’m just so pissed off that I am in his situation, it’s so unfair. Unfair for me and unfair for my daughter who is having to deal with me being like this. I see people with there families and homes and I had that once, even though it was false. I miss having that even though I hate him. I’ve started running to burn off some anger.
There is a women who was at the freedom programme with me, she met a new man a few weeks after leaving her abusive husband of 12 years. I want that, but I’m so not in the right place, how can she be and not me.
can you look at the positive things that you have now, like your beautiful child you have had during this time?
it is hard to grow up a child and youve done the hardest bit. now you can concentrate on yourself again.
this was a bad experience but you learned a lot from it i bet.
you need to be in a better place without the anger to be able to have a new relationship i think.
I have a lot to be grateful for I know but I’m too annoyed and angry to appreciate any of it. I guess it’s something I have to work through. Between the age of 24 and now (37) I’ve no idea what happened, I do now and I’m angry, that’s a lot of years to be angry for!
It is an improvement on a few months ago where I was in denial and felt intense guilt for breaking up my family and ruining my husbands life as I was a crap wife!
I have been and they said I need to feel it and work through it, medication will only mask the problem. I’m still waiting for therapy!
I’m not angry at my daughter by the way. I’m angry at myself for when I get angry over stupid little things that don’t go right. I get to the end of the day upset with myself.
meds can still help. maybe small dosages.
dont be hard on yourself and get angry at yourself. you seem hard working, doing your best.
I’m going back to work in a few weeks so I that that may help. Being shut up for all these weeks trying to look after a 4 year old has been really tough whilst trying to push through the divorce and handling myself. I feel bad but I do need some time away even though I love her so much. I work some of my shifts out the back so I can take my anger out on cardboard boxes and have my fellow employees to talk to.
It feels a little hopeless and never ending stuck in the house. I also feel bad for my daughter missing out on school and having me to deal with, she needs her little friends!
i agree with you, these things can make you frustrated and angry.
Anger is a normal part of trauma. It will ease. Knowing it is normal and temporary is important for coping with it.
You don't necessarily have to do anything to work through the anger other than notice each time you feel angry and wait for it to pass (without trying to push it away). Emotions tend to come in waves, so even when it is really intense it will pass.
Until you can have proper trauma therapy with a person, this might be one resource that helps you start making sense of things and taking care of yourself: www.selfhelpguides.ntw.nhs.uk/merseycare/leaflets/selfhelp/post20traumatic20stress.pdf
Do you have to go back to work financially? You did a masters. You could do another one? On a similar theme to what you did and do a reboot? Or go for a PhD in that kind of topic. People right now are getting made redundant and loads of people are signing up for courses. Teacher training. I just think if you were on that successful trajectory you don’t need to walk away from it. Going back to study would get your brain occupied and allow you more opportunities and you’d meet a tonne of new people. What was your original masters subject?
@user12699422578 that link won’t work
Oh and sign up for some online CBT and EMDR. It will really help. Every morning and evening do online yoga with Adriene. She’s on YouTube plus listen to deep sleep mindfulness as you go to sleep. When you wake up in the morning, write 3 things that you are grateful for on a post it and put it on your fridge door. There’s loads you can do to help yourself
I have a Masters in Printed textiles @needhandhold. I don’t think this is something I wish to continue with but maybe that’s because I’m not in that kind of mood.
And yes I need to go back to work, it’s only me now, husband has no contact and I only get minimum child maintenance even though with his salary I should be on about 3 x that, but he is self employed and I had to go via court as he wouldn’t pay!
It's normal and also reasonable. You have lost something precious to you, through no fault of yours. Not surprising you are angry.
I have found this diagram really useful, have been/am going through same thing
Join the discussion
Registering is free, quick, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Get started »
Please login first.