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I think my relationship is over

(31 Posts)
PawsAndReflection Thu 25-Jun-20 23:47:37

I've been with DP for 2.5 years and he's wonderful in practically every single way, but in the last 18 months has just stopped complimenting me when previously he was really really vocal. I've spoken to him about it and he said very little, but that he'd try harder.

I guess the reason I'm uncomfortable is that I don't feel I have to try and tell him or show him that I think I'm attracted to him- he's gorgeous! And I don't think that I'm not.

It seems like such a small thing as he's better in every other aspect than all my ex's and all my friends partners, but this is really important to me. After our 10th conversation about it I just decided to end it, while it's tolerable now I want to be with someone who finds me desirable whatever my age and if he can't do it at 29 then how can I expect it to be any different for the next 40 years.

There's a big part of me that thinks I should just make peace with it but I can't. Am I being insane here? I should clarify he never says anything denigrating.

OP’s posts: |
24kl Thu 25-Jun-20 23:58:17

I have never experienced this but I can advise you that in the bigger picture, actions speak louder than words. As long as he's showing you he's attracted to you and treats you good in every other way then I wouldn't let this ruin a good relationship.

You don't need his compliments, his validation. You need to get some self esteem and confidence about your looks to the point you don't need his compliments. Men love a confident woman and don't like women who beg for compliments. Work out, dress sexy, get that confidence!

Livandme Fri 26-Jun-20 00:03:28

You sound a little needy,. It sounds like it doesn't come naturally to him. You say he's great, so what's such a big deal about this.

Get fit, get confident. Don't rely on anyone else.

Burpalot Fri 26-Jun-20 00:10:14

Are you having sex and being intimate? Some people aren't good with words - they show love in other ways by being affectionate, or doing things for you, or whatever

MarkRuffaloCrumble Fri 26-Jun-20 00:13:01

If he’s great in every other way and you know he definitely finds you attractive, why do you need compliments so badly? If he’s not making you feel attractive, by showing you affection, instigating sex etc then that’s a different situation, but if he’s doing all that, maybe ask yourself why are the words so important?

In terms of Love Languages, maybe yours is Words of Affirmation and he doesn’t get why it means a lot to you. If you can work out what his main love language is, ask him how he’d feel if you never did it? Might make him realise it’s important to you.

It seems daft to throw away an otherwise great man over this.

PawsAndReflection Fri 26-Jun-20 00:17:29

I suppose it's because he used to be like this, and now he isn't.

I completely get you guys saying I'm needy but honestly...I'm not. I've never had this in a relationship before, I know my own self worth and don't have a track record of feeling like this

OP’s posts: |
PawsAndReflection Fri 26-Jun-20 00:18:24

And regards to the sex, it's definitely drying up. I know a portion of it comes from his lack of confidence.

OP’s posts: |
Bionical89 Fri 26-Jun-20 00:18:51

The honeymoon period is over basically. Words are just that, words. I would pay more attention to what he actually does more than what he doesn't say. My husband will say I look nice from time to time but I wouldn't expect him to say it everyday or when I just look my normal self. It's not natural to constantly compliment someone

hopingtobedally Fri 26-Jun-20 00:19:43

I am feeling like this daily- been married 16 years and together twenty
He's never really been one to tell me he finds me sexy etc but just lately it's ridiculous and he makes me feel hideous

PawsAndReflection Fri 26-Jun-20 00:20:57

God I'm coming across as really shallow aren't I? grin

I think that I really love telling him how and why I find him attractive, and yes I shouldn't need to hear it to feel validated but for me that isn't what it's about.

OP’s posts: |
PawsAndReflection Fri 26-Jun-20 00:22:38

Not so much that I need him to tell me I'm attractive, but there's something about our dynamic that makes me feel gross. If I could put my finger on it I think at least then I could deal with it.

Just as a comparison, my last relationship lasted 5 years and even after we broke up he was super clear about how much he fancied me.

OP’s posts: |
24kl Fri 26-Jun-20 00:26:37

Just read your update OP. I see you mean, if you are already confident and happy with yourself and you're still unhappy then I suppose it's best to leave him.

Crystalspider Fri 26-Jun-20 00:28:52

I can understand this actually, when he's given you compliments in the past and it's stopped it does make you wonder if you're still attractive to him. Has anything else changed in his behaviour recently too?

Although you aren't getting compliments try keep positive about yourself.

AllyBamma Fri 26-Jun-20 00:36:19

Have you actually taken the time to speak to him about how you’re feeling? Or were you planning on dumping him because he’s stopped complimenting you? If yes, then yes you are shallow. If you don’t communicate with people then how are they supposed to know if anything is wrong? How would you feel if he was thinking of dumping you over a trivial thing that he never mentioned to you?

PawsAndReflection Fri 26-Jun-20 00:47:22

AllyBamma

Have you actually taken the time to speak to him about how you’re feeling? Or were you planning on dumping him because he’s stopped complimenting you? If yes, then yes you are shallow. If you don’t communicate with people then how are they supposed to know if anything is wrong? How would you feel if he was thinking of dumping you over a trivial thing that he never mentioned to you?


Hey Ally- yep! Said in my OP that we've had 10+ conversations about it

OP’s posts: |
Helpmemoveon76844 Fri 26-Jun-20 01:10:09

Just to clarify something , it sounds like you never compliment him on his looks?

Helpmemoveon76844 Fri 26-Jun-20 01:14:58

I just read you do tell him.... I kind of get this, I have had this before ( a couple of exes ago) . I remember though it was when he stopped putting his arm around my waist when I was doing the dishes that I got ridiculously upset lol.

I don't know what to tell you , you want to feel desired , there's nothing wrong with that....if you are giving him validation on his physical attractiveness , he should reciprocate..

I'm interested in the dynamic that you described as gross though. Can you go into that in more detail?

MMmomDD Fri 26-Jun-20 01:16:49

OP - you are definitely needy, there is no doubts about it. And you should read up on love languages.
Your post makes no sense to me - you say how wonderful in every way you bf is; how gorgeous; how he is so much better than anyone you dated before. Yet - you want to end it because he doesn’t give you compliments.
It makes me think that deep down you are terrified that you aren’t good enough, or not on par with him.
Hence you drive yourself crazy with the need for confirmation that you are.
And not getting that confirmation is making you act - and cut your losses. So your fear of not being good enough is reconfirmed and you want to run before it’s realised in legal life.

And reality is - it’s all in your head. He was different in the honeymoon phase of the relationship - many people are. Now he is the way he normally is.
I am more like him - so I don’t get the need for constant reassurances and automatic daily compliments, on every outfit, etc.
In turn - I would get bored of a partner rehashing same things over and over.
Compliments, as well as ‘l love yous’ - need to be used sparingly to not lose their meaning. At least for me.

So - e don’t a perfectly good relationship over different communication styles and your insecurities is really not something I can understand.
Have you considered counselling to deal with whatever insecurities this is bringing up?

Onthemaintrunkline Fri 26-Jun-20 02:07:13

This absolutely be-fuddles me! You say he’s perfect in nearly very way and the reason you are ending/ended it is because he doesn’t compliment you! I’m not often speechless, but your comments make me come close. I’m afraid you come across to me as needy, shallow and unrealistic. Relationships subtly alter and settle after the excitement of the early days. Yes, to be complimented occasionally is wonderful but to expect it, that’s where your thinking is a bit off I think.

AllyBamma Fri 26-Jun-20 04:23:50

My apologies, don’t know how I missed that part! In that case if he knows that you’re unhappy but isn’t willing to meet you halfway then I can see why you’re frustrated. It may just be that you’re fundamentally unsuited to each other. You need verbal affection and he can’t supply that as you need it. That sucks but I can see why you’ve come to your conclusion.

Sounds like there’s more to it to me. Maybe it’s just fizzling out? You’ve been together 2.5 years and you’ve felt like this for over half that time - perhaps you’re just not compatible. It doesn’t have to be actively bad for it not to be right.

ukgift2016 Fri 26-Jun-20 06:31:17

Just as a comparison, my last relationship lasted 5 years and even after we broke up he was super clear about how much he fancied me.

Very strange. Why do you need so much validation from men? Even men who you are not with.

It is properly best you let this man go...to find someone less needy.

PornStarOvaltini Fri 26-Jun-20 07:38:41

Seems to me there's something more here, that you haven't or can't articulate OP.

Do you think his attentions are focused elsewhere? Or that he's feeling more settled now you are more committed so isn't trying so hard?

Just because he doesn't tell you you look great doesn't mean you don't. Don't let it knock your confidence- that's the most attractive feature of most people. As other PPs have said, address his actions ... or is it something more?

PhannyPharts Fri 26-Jun-20 08:59:41

Ok. So you have an issue that he doesn't compliment you enough when he used to all the time and you want the reassurance right?

It may not be a problem that affects other people but it does bother you, so you tell him several times and he does nothing. So this possibly becomes less about being complimented and more about the fact that he won't do something simple to make you feel better?

Zaphodsotherhead Fri 26-Jun-20 14:25:42

If he started complimenting you now, would you not just think 'oh, he's only saying it because I've told him to and he doesn't really mean it?' Would it ever feel genuine again?

I'd be more worried about the sex drying up tbh. Now, THAT could be a future death for a relationship.

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