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How to build a good relationship with ex

(19 Posts)
Sinnteno Thu 25-Jun-20 21:14:26

Ex left me for OW when DS was a couple of months old. As DS is still quite young and still breastfed ex and I spend a lot of time together as its the most convenient way for us all. He spends a lot of time with us and in my home and I'm really feeling uncomfortable with it and want to try and rebuild a relationship with him that will allow us to be good parents to our son and not just argue or sit in silence whenever we are together.

Obviously there is a lot of hate from my side and also some jealousy. Ex has been proven to be a compulsive liar and I don't trust him at all but I think its important for us to try and rebuild a bit of trust. He hates any form of conflict or uncomfortable conversation so he generally just refuses to engage if I try to discuss issues. Ive3 tried discussing issues over text rather than face to face but he'll just ignore any message he doesn't like.

I'm just really looking for something that we could do to improve our relationship. Has anyone been in a similar situation and has any advice to give regarding how they have maintained a good relationship with their ex?

OP’s posts: |
category12 Thu 25-Jun-20 21:21:31

But you need to have good faith on both sides to build the kind of co-parenting relationship you want. He's a compulsive liar, you'd be a fool to trust him. You can't force something he's not interested in meeting halfway with.

You really need to let/get him to take his ds out on his own for a few hours and not have him in your house so much.

Can you express?

Sinnteno Fri 26-Jun-20 07:41:46

DS is at an age where he isn't dependant on milk so his dad can tot ake him out for a while with a snack. He's takes him to the park for an hour or so but I'm not really in a position where I trust him to take DS. He's lied to me before about where he is with DS and what he's doing with him and I really don't trust him with more than a trip to the park.

We really need to work on rebuilding the trust but I can't imagine myself ever trusting him again.

OP’s posts: |
AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 26-Jun-20 07:49:26

I would consider using the court system to establish a proper means of access rather than this informal arrangement going forward.

As category rightly states though, you cannot force something he is not interested in meeting halfway with. There is no WE here either re working on rebuilding trust because once trust has gone it is nigh on impossible to rebuild. If there is no trust there is no relationship. He seems to be only interested in getting his own wants and needs met.

Thingsdogetbetter Fri 26-Jun-20 07:54:33

When he lied, had he put your dc in danger or just not go and do what he said he did? There's a big difference!

If he did not endanger your dc, then actually he can take him where he likes on his time. It's not your right to know where he is or what he is doing as long as dc is safe and cared for. Anymore than you have to tell him your houly plans with dc. Is the problem that he is involving OW?

As long as you trust him to keep dc safe and cared for, that is as much as you need. His time with dc is his business, not yours. If he involves ow that is his business not yours. It's shitty and hurtful, but ultimately his right. It is not your right to control where he takes dc, what he does or who he sees.

However, it he endangered your dc or failed in his care, you fight for supervised contact only until he proves himself trustworthy.

category12 Fri 26-Jun-20 08:34:22

Yes, as pp says, depends whether it's about him putting your ds at actual risk or something else.

If it's something else, you need to disengage emotionally from it and relinquish trying to control what he does. I mean if it's introducing the other woman or something like that, it sucks but it isn't a valid reason to restrict access.

Sinnteno Fri 26-Jun-20 12:43:45

Its not about the OW. Ex did something that I specifically told him I didnt want him to do and he said he wouldn't then lied about it. Even if he is going to do it just tell me and don't try and cover it up.
He just lies about everything and tells you what you want to hear to try and avoid confrontation.

I want to be able to trist him but don't know where to start when it comes to rebuilding trust.

OP’s posts: |
category12 Fri 26-Jun-20 12:53:26

What sort of something did he do? It's really difficult to tell what's going on without some detail.

At some point, unless he presents a danger to your ds, you're going to have to let him have him unsupervised. You won't change the man's character to not be a lying prick, it's how much you invest emotionally. If he's not going to do anything harming your ds, you just have to let go.

category12 Fri 26-Jun-20 12:55:15

I mean, he gets to do what he wants in his time with his son, not what you want him to do. You'll never be able to control that, and you'll drive yourself barmy trying to police it.

Unless genuine risk of harm.

lyingwanker Fri 26-Jun-20 13:02:57

Well I agree with you OP. I wouldn't trust anyone with my small baby if I couldn't believe that they were telling me the truth about the situation, father or not.

However, as you recognise yourself, you do need to get to a position where he can take the baby for periods of time on his own. I suggest mediation, it's not court, it's just a neutral person helping you both come to a mutual arrangement. It sounds like he's actually wanting to be actively involved with the baby because he's been coming round to your house to spend time with him so hopefully he will want to work together to progress to the next stage.

For everyone saying he shouldn't have to, he has equal rights and all that, yes officially he does but it's best to have a great co-parenting relationship because OP has a whole lifetime of having this man in her life. Surely it's better that they work together on this and improve their communication.

ChristmasFluff Fri 26-Jun-20 13:15:52

You are never going to have a good co-parenting relationship, because you cannot rebuild trust with a habitual liar. That isn't 'trust' at all, it is gullibility.

Google 'parallel parenting', because that is the best you can hope to achieve.

category12 Fri 26-Jun-20 13:21:17

I'm not saying he shouldn't have to grin - I'm saying she can't make him. He ought to be honest and he ought to do what he says he will, but there's not a thing op can do to get that to happen. If he's not interested in meeting her halfway, she's wasting her energy.

CardsforKittens Fri 26-Jun-20 13:58:26

Liars are hard work and I’m not sure that discussing issues is useful; probably just a waste of your energy.

The thing your ex did that you didn’t want him to do: it really depends what it is, even if he lied about it. If all right-thinking people would be horrified, then you probably need to involve the courts. If it’s a different perspective on raising children, well he’s allowed to do things that go against your principles - which is shit for you but probably not dangerous to your child. Obviously anything actually dangerous is another matter.

Sinnteno Fri 26-Jun-20 14:00:35

I don't want to get fixated on one particular incident as it is only one of many and he thread isn't about that and was more about rebuilding trust but the general concensus seems to be that I'm wasting my time.

He is a good dad in terms of showing up regularly and wanting to be in his son's life so I was hoping to be able to get some trust back if he is still going to be around a lot but I think that probably won't happen.

OP’s posts: |
Bunnymumy Fri 26-Jun-20 14:08:46

You trust someone or you don't. And if someone betrays that trust, the onus is not on you to learn how to trust them again, it is on them to earn that trust back.

Unfortunately, as a child safety is the issue, I'm not sure I would give them the chance to earn that trust back.

I also wouldn't be allowing him in your home if you arent comfortable with it.

Do you have family that could take your son to see him? That way you dont have to interact with the jerk.

user1481840227 Fri 26-Jun-20 15:16:43

As others have said this isn't possible unless both sides are on board. I would also say when the mother tries too hard to lets things go for the sake of trying to get on that that often ends up going against her and these fathers often take the piss.

Unfortunately us mothers can't control what the dads do with the kids when they take them for access. It can be frustrating, scary and horrible to deal with them but that's the way it is.

Thrivingnotjustsurviving Fri 26-Jun-20 16:46:49

It sounds as though you would be doing all the work to make this 'trust' happen? Where's his input?

I agree with PP and get contact formalised with a court order.

user1481840227 Fri 26-Jun-20 16:54:27

A court order will mean that the OP definitely can't lay down the law with what the father can do when he has the child.

Fiveasidefootballfamily Fri 26-Jun-20 18:57:48

If he’s lying, how can you trust him? But equally, you haven’t said what he did when he took his son but if you’re perhaps overreacting or setting impossible rules or being unnecessarily difficult, there could be a reason why he has lied and this would make it difficult for him to want a friendly relationship with him. If you gave more info, it would help to understand the dynamics.

You have mentioned he cheated but this is on you and doesn’t mean he can’t be a good dad. Is he putting his son at risk? As long as it is safe, reasonable things he is doing with his son, he does deserve some freedom to just be a dad and not have to ask for permission. You are both equals as parents and he needs to feel able to make choices and decisions about his son too. (This May already be happening, but just food for thought as you haven’t said).

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