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Constant confusion in my head(2 Posts)
Hi all. Frequent reader of these boards but have created a new account to post this.
I've been with DH for 14 years, married 7, we have two DC 2 and 6mo. DH was religious (xian) when I met him and I am but would be considered v liberal. He wanted to wait till marriage to have sex, I agreed because I loved him. However occasionally found porn while we were dating/engaged, which I am not comfortable with generally, stupidly believed he only looked occasionally. It was fetish porn I found. Particularly unhappy with it as I was 'waiting for marriage' for him and felt he wasn't for me. When it got to marriage and sex immediate problems, ED, delayed ejaculation, eventually two years in he tells me he masturbates and has watched porn very frequently since early teens. He agreed to go to sex therapy, therapist identified the porn and very frequent masturbation as being a problem, he agrees, we agree he will cut down on masturbation and try to avoid porn and tell me if he does again (you can see where this is going...). Therapy helps, we are able to conceive our DDs and have more regular sex, but always feel he's not fully 'present'. Have issues trusting him about the porn use and ask him every so often to always be told no, and more recently he would bring it up himself as something he didn't do, so my trust grew.
Then fast forward to a couple of months ago. I had PPA after my first DC, and a couple of weeks after DC2 I became obsessed with the idea he might still be watching porn and masturbating very frequently. Think it was triggered by him buying a new computer. I quizzed him about it a lot and as I became more and more crazy he decided to come clean - it appears his habits have not really changed, and he also said that he only watched the one type of fetish porn several times a week, and it is not something I would be into at all. I didn't know this previously.
Obviously I'm upset about the porn as I feel like we already tried to sort that out five years ago. But I do understand that most men watch it, and I would feel less upset I think if I didn't feel it had had such a big impact on our sex life. It has really affected my self esteem, because often he would choose it over me. But I am really really upset about the lying. And I feel very disorientated to be honest. I couldn't lie to blatantly to the face of somebody I loved.
Anyway, I told him I would stay for a few months, and that he had to get therapy, do a course at our church and also cook once a week. We went through a diy couples relationship programme, and discussed immediate feelings and hidden feelings, and he told me he felt annoyed that I hadn't trusted him, even though he was lying. So I told him that made no sense and now he is seeing a specialist sex therapist to work this out. But I feel so confused and uneasy that he has these thought patterns to be honest, I know it's from his upbringing (his parents' relationship is a shambles and they are both quite manipulative), and he's really trying hard to work on them, but does that mean I should stay? Stupidly or not we moved to live near his family before DC1 was born, we have a sea border between us and my family. I have no other support here family wise but have friends, and I'm looking for work. Feel terrible thinking of splitting the family up, particularly as he is really trying, he's going through some very difficult stuff in his therapy sessions. Sorry, this is rambling. Any thoughts welcome. We're early 30s.
I have recently been with someone who was lying a lot of our relationship. He said he did it to protect me from the truth for fear of hurting me, but it hurts more when they look you in the eye and can't say the actual truth! I'm not sure what to say about giving him another chance or not, as I am in the same predicament. But I would certainly have your guard up with him.
I would ask yourself:
Am I happy?
Do I feel fulfilled in this relationship?
If in 5 more years he continues to do this, would I want to deal with this again? If not, what changes can I make so I feel more comfortable if it does end? - Could you move nearer family you know and if it ends this time he knows he'll be the one that needs to leave the home.
What boundaries can I put in place to protect me if he chooses to mess up this relationship again?
It sounds like you gave him 5 years of trust, he clearly knows how you feel about the porn and still continued. I know all men and some women watch porn, personally I don't have an issue with it unless it's affecting your relationship in some way. Obviously it is with him and has been from the start.
He has lied twice in reality as he lied and held off from sex probably not so much on religious grounds, but maybe because he knew he couldn't perform well. Once he had you, then he knew you'd honour your vows and stay with him whilst he 'worked through' his porn issue - however he hasn't and has lied a second time.
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