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He’s in his cave

(46 Posts)
Tryingtounderstandmen Thu 25-Jun-20 20:41:59

So I’m new to mums net ,but thought I’d try it out. Married for 27 years ,2 grown up children .very happy ,that is until he retreats ! Sunday he wakes up and is quiet , I think it’s me .... drunk Saturday night “ what did I say/ do ? Gulp . .. anyhow. , after speaking to girlfriend who was with us , I did nothing to be hung drawn and quartered for . So I ask him if he’s ok .he looks at me as if I’m simple ... yep I’m fine ( you’re clearly not) ... left him to it. . Then Monday same....again I ask are you ok ...I get told to “ leave it” ...Tuesday same , except this time I say. “ I’m here when you want to talk “ ..again it’s a curt reply .....it’s Thursday now and I’m getting pissed off so much so that now he’s trying to talk ( a bit) about crap and I can’t bring myself to converse.we are being civil .... I’m waiting for the moment to say “ I think I deserve an explaination here of where you’ve been all week” arrrrrggghhhhhhhhh!

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Mosseywossey Thu 25-Jun-20 21:22:04

Wow that sounds horrible abusive. Silent treatment is worded as he is trying to make you feel terrible. Does he do this regularly

Tryingtounderstandmen Thu 25-Jun-20 22:16:29

He’s really not abusive , just bloody frustrating ! Hardly ever does this , which is why , when he does. , it’s a pain in the arse

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Aquamarine1029 Thu 25-Jun-20 22:21:43

Stop wasting your time asking if he's ok. Just tell him to sod off until he's ready to communicate like an adult. Don't pander to his moodiness.

LaurieFairyCake Thu 25-Jun-20 22:23:31

Bet he didn't like you drinking ...

Mosseywossey Thu 25-Jun-20 22:44:14

Sulking is a form of abuse. If he is withhold communication because he is annoyed of a form of cohersion control or emotional abuse

Closetbeanmuncher Thu 25-Jun-20 22:47:44

Agree with @Aquamarine1029

That "cave" he's in needs bolting from the outside - petulant twat.

BumbleBeee69 Thu 25-Jun-20 23:00:40

agreed with everyone on here.. this is abusive behaviour OP... flowers

stop asking him what's wrong.. he's a DICK

category12 Thu 25-Jun-20 23:08:06

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse.

ShebaShimmyShake Thu 25-Jun-20 23:38:25

What exactly did you do?

BurtsBeesKnees Fri 26-Jun-20 08:43:17

The silent treatment is abusive. Its designed to punish you and keep you in line. You'll be walking on eggshells in the future to ensure he doesn't sulk again.

TheVanguardSix Fri 26-Jun-20 08:50:29

Who's drinking (not a goady question)?
Because drinking is a relationship killer. You can't communicate effectively if there's drink in the relationship.
Is he fed up of your drinking? That's what I'm reading here. Silent treatment is emotional abuse, yes. But if you're habitually getting drunk, maybe he's fed up of this aspect invading your relationship like knotweed.
Get off the booze (if it's you- I can't quite tell from your post) and start opening up and working on your relationship. Nurturing a relationship never stops. 27 years doesn't mean rest on your laurels. Ask him if the drinking is bothering him. Sounds like you need to face the elephant in the room, OP.

Tryingtounderstandmen Fri 26-Jun-20 08:58:18

Love the replies guys .....and yep we had both been out with friends together . What does OP mean?

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Tryingtounderstandmen Fri 26-Jun-20 08:59:28

I like balance in my life and if one of us is off kilter I’m jittery .but yep I think I bother too much .....thanks guys .leaving him to it x

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category12 Fri 26-Jun-20 09:00:49

Original Poster - the person who started the thread. Saves getting @ notifications and is quicker than typing whole names.

Tryingtounderstandmen Fri 26-Jun-20 09:01:24

And nope , no walking on egg shells from me - fuck him 😉

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sadie9 Fri 26-Jun-20 09:04:05

OP means Original Poster. Did you drink until you blacked out and so couldn't remember getting home or what happened? That bit was unclear.
Does he do this silent treatment thing a lot?

Letseatgrandma Fri 26-Jun-20 09:06:15

What happened Saturday night? Where do you go and who with?

I would just speak to him and ask directly-you have barely spoken to me since Sunday morning. Why?

Tryingtounderstandmen Fri 26-Jun-20 09:12:51

Ah thanks and it’s a fact that men CAnt communicate in the same way as women and they “ retreat “ sometimes ...I was hoping for support tbh and anyone who relate !

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Tryingtounderstandmen Fri 26-Jun-20 09:14:02

Just in a friends garden and nothing happened other than we all had a drink ! Normal nice nice xxxx which is why 🤷🏼‍♀️

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TheVanguardSix Fri 26-Jun-20 09:14:04

Well, he's clearly unhappy and hasn't yet found the guts to tell you why. He owes you that much. And you owe him a listen, when the time comes. Sounds like a big issue that's been ignored for too long is about to finally come to the surface. As daunting as that is, it can't be a bad thing. My guess is- I know, I'm harping on but it is important- the drinking has gotten out of hand. Are you ready to own that, OP, if this is the case?

Tryingtounderstandmen Fri 26-Jun-20 09:15:41

To be honest I’m a light weight so my memory goes on nights out. And I wake up sundays and think ... did I say anything ? Oops 😌

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Tryingtounderstandmen Fri 26-Jun-20 09:18:28

Yeah drinking could be ..let’s see what he says when he’s ready to talk

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Thingsdogetbetter Fri 26-Jun-20 09:20:55

Don't bother asking what's wrong, don't try and cheer him up. That's just giving him attention - and if he's doing it to punish you for some imagined transgression showing him he's made you anxious is exactly what he's trying to achieve.

Just get on with life as normal. Ignore ignore ignore. Then when he decides you have been punished enough and springs the transgression on you or the old "You know what you did" shite, do NOT apologise to try and get everything back to normal (again that's the pay off he's seeking). Tell him to fuck off!

Tryingtounderstandmen Fri 26-Jun-20 09:26:46

Thingsdogetbetter

Don't bother asking what's wrong, don't try and cheer him up. That's just giving him attention - and if he's doing it to punish you for some imagined transgression showing him he's made you anxious is exactly what he's trying to achieve.

Just get on with life as normal. Ignore ignore ignore. Then when he decides you have been punished enough and springs the transgression on you or the old "You know what you did" shite, do NOT apologise to try and get everything back to normal (again that's the pay off he's seeking). Tell him to fuck off!

Thank you so much for that last post .exactly all I needed ! I knew I was doing the right thing by ignoring and carrying on as normal thank you to you! We have a fab relationship so it does my head in when he does this - once a year maybe. , can’t even remember the last time

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