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Bad communication or emotional abuse , or both?

(36 Posts)
24kl Thu 25-Jun-20 19:20:38

Reading lots of threads on MN regarding emotional abuse. I'm currently taking space from my relationship, figuring it all out and I'm looking for strangers thoughts. (Feel a bit silly)

His Good points:
- Mature
- Great sense of humour
- Very generous with money, pays for everything
- Very generous with affection
- Big job, successful, ambitious
- loyal, commitment, would never cheat
- On the same page as me, wants a family
- Supports and celebrates my achievements
- Willing to talk, suggested couples counselling
- Does all the blue jobs and shares chores around the house

Bad:
- Easily offended by something small
- Can't argue clean (swearing, shouting)
- Quick tempered in pressured situations
- Workaholic

By no means am I faultless or perfect, I can have my selfish, unreasonable moments and mood swings. However, I'm learning ways to communicate better as a person as I've always had issues like this in previous relationships.

OP’s posts: |
AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 25-Jun-20 19:28:53

Abuse is NOT about communication or a perceived lack of, it’s about power and control and this man sounds like yet another abuser.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?
If your relationship history has featured abuse throughout then I would urge you to completely reassess your approach to relationships and not date or be in a until you have had counselling and enrolled yourself onto the Freedom programme run by Women’s Aid.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 25-Jun-20 19:30:27

Joint counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

Helpmemoveon76844 Thu 25-Jun-20 19:36:02

I think the fact you are even looking is a sign that something is wrong . I've heard that a few time . Good relationships don't require you to turn into an investigator...

I think though we need more details to say whether there is emotional abuse . For example I might swear in an argument but not aggressively , or not loudly ..... If these things were also present.

Easily offended all the time? Or when he's under pressure ? And what does this look like?

24kl Thu 25-Jun-20 19:47:36

@AttilaTheMeerkat

I grew up in a broken home but my mum did her best. I wasn't around abuse but I've always had argumentative relationships.

In my first relationship, I got cheated on. Then in my next relationship, I carried my insecurities into it, there was constant arguing and then I ended up cheating on him.

Then in my next relationship, he left me because of arguing, I also cheated again and we had bad communication. We talk now as friends.

With my current relationship, he seemed different and I had no feelings to cheat or leave. Until now of course... the arguments got too much, he fights dirty with swearing which I'm tired of. He knows it's wrong but we just couldn't fix it.

OP’s posts: |
24kl Thu 25-Jun-20 19:53:11

@Helpmemoveon76844

Examples during arguments
"Just shut the f*ck up, stop repeating yourself, stop arguing"

"F*ck off, don't speak to me, I'm warning you I'm getting really angry now and I'm trying to control it"

"You put all the blame on me, what about you!"

I could say something to him in the wrong tone and he'll immediately snap! I refuse to not stand up for myself so I snap back. And you can imagine how that turns out.. shouting, derailing off the issue..

OP’s posts: |
NoMoreDickheads Thu 25-Jun-20 20:08:21

Yes, the swearing etc, trying to shut you up is abuse. You have a right to speak and have a opinion.

I'm warning you I'm getting really angry now and I'm trying to control it

This is a threat, presumably of physical violence.

Please separate from him as soon as you can. xxx

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 25-Jun-20 20:15:49

He is responsible for his anger, not you.

I would urge you to end this relationship as soon as possible.

Please be aware that abuse is not about communication or a lack of, it’s all about power and control. These people have wanted absolute over you.

Please enrol yourself onto the freedom programme going forward, see that as an investment in you. Your boundaries, already weakened by previous abuse, are further being eroded by this man. You’ve been going from one abusive relationship straight into another and then another.

24kl Thu 25-Jun-20 20:26:29

@AttilaTheMeerkat
I started doing that Freedom programme but I stopped because I got bored of it
Should I try some counselling on my own?

OP’s posts: |
24kl Thu 25-Jun-20 20:33:26

@NoMoreDickheads
Yeah exactly, I can't bite my tongue or walk on egg shells, I find it very hard to hold back. So when he's snapped at me, I can't help but fight back and continue the argument because I get so heated! I've always been like this in arguments with previous relationships. But like I said I'm still learning.

I could never imagine him getting physical but as I've heard on MN, some men do get violent.
With my 2nd boyfriend, we used to hit each other in fights.
With my current ex, I have pushed and slapped him but that was out of frustration.

OP’s posts: |
user1481840227 Thu 25-Jun-20 20:52:25

I wouldn't necessarily consider it to be abuse.

If he snaps at you you say you can't help but fight back and continue the argument because you get so heated.
You say if you say something to him in the wrong tone he'll immediately snap.....but what do you mean by the wrong tone?

The wrong tone can lead people to snap, it can be sarcastic, belittling, demeaning, ridiculing, goading, passive aggressive and so on....if you're always doing that then it was you who started the argument really and he's standing up for himself, not the other way around!

Or do you mean wrong tone as in you genuinely didn't realise you said something in the wrong way?

You both need to learn not to rise to things like this. If you stay with him you can't control his behaviour or reactions, but you can learn to control your own reactions and what you will tolerate in a relationship.

Helpmemoveon76844 Thu 25-Jun-20 20:56:06

24kl

*@Helpmemoveon76844*

Examples during arguments
"Just shut the f*ck up, stop repeating yourself, stop arguing"

"F*ck off, don't speak to me, I'm warning you I'm getting really angry now and I'm trying to control it"

"You put all the blame on me, what about you!"

I could say something to him in the wrong tone and he'll immediately snap! I refuse to not stand up for myself so I snap back. And you can imagine how that turns out.. shouting, derailing off the issue..

I think this is a lot worse than bad communication.... Actually he is communicating with you very effectively. Unfortunately it is I'm an emotionally manipulative and upsetting way....

I think with your response being heated as well you have got a toxic relationship based off the back of emotional abuse here and these don't improve without work on both sides....

I think you should restart the freedom programme and look at it as a lesson in patience as much as anything else.... What is clear is that this can't continue, it must be exhausting .

I'm sorry , that sounds horrible.

When I said I swear , I didn't mean like that...

user1481840227 Thu 25-Jun-20 20:58:29

What do you say in those arguments OP?

user1481840227 Thu 25-Jun-20 21:12:14

I think if a man wrote this post he'd be torn apart.

2nd relationship - carried insecurities into it, constant arguing, then OP cheated.

3rd relationship - Partner left because of arguing, OP cheated again

This relationship - Constant arguing....examples of what the partner says suggest that the OP won't let things drop and goes on and on pushing for a reaction or for the argument to get worse!

user1481840227 Thu 25-Jun-20 21:13:12

Missed the part where she said she pushed and slapped the latest one in frustration!

NoMoreDickheads Thu 25-Jun-20 21:18:48

I could never imagine him getting physical

He's threatened you with it, really.

NoMoreDickheads Thu 25-Jun-20 21:20:21

examples of what the partner says suggest that the OP won't let things drop and goes on and on pushing for a reaction or for the argument to get worse!

'She pushes my buttons' is no excuse, as you know.

user1481840227 Thu 25-Jun-20 21:20:26

NoMoreDickheads

^I could never imagine him getting physical^

He's threatened you with it, really.

I don't think he did threaten that.

The OP said that she's the one who pushed and slapped him!!

24kl Thu 25-Jun-20 21:21:16

@user1481840227

He says that I speak to him like shit. The way I speak to him makes him feel like crap. He also says he feels unappreciated and unloved as I'm not affectionate and slag off his weight and push him away. I never have been an affectionate person, he's a couple stone over weight so I've made a few jokes about it but nothing to be really nasty.
With the wrong tone, it's normally if I disregard his opinion on something or tell him to do something. I don't mean to sound mean most of the time.

OP’s posts: |
user1481840227 Thu 25-Jun-20 21:21:25

'She pushes my buttons' is no excuse, as you know'

Yet the OP has basically said that he pushes her buttons which is why she reacts that way! Is that ok???

user1481840227 Thu 25-Jun-20 21:22:39

@24kl, again you'd be torn apart on here if you were a man and said you made a few jokes about your partners weight!!!

24kl Thu 25-Jun-20 21:25:08

NoMoreDickheads

^examples of what the partner says suggest that the OP won't let things drop and goes on and on pushing for a reaction or for the argument to get worse!^

'She pushes my buttons' is no excuse, as you know.


Yes true, I've learnt that no matter how I act towards him, it's wrong for him to threaten it or lose his temper like he has or get aggressive. He's a man, he's stronger and more intimidating than a woman

OP’s posts: |
user1481840227 Thu 25-Jun-20 21:27:19

But @24kl you say that it's wrong for him to lose his temper but you said you can't help losing your own temper!

He's a man who is stronger and can be more intimidating, but you're the one who pushed and slapped him.

24kl Thu 25-Jun-20 21:31:18

user1481840227

**@24kl**, again you'd be torn apart on here if you were a man and said you made a few jokes about your partners weight!!!


I'm only saying the bad side, I'm obviously not like this all the time. I'm Learning it's unhealthy, that's why I've taken a step back

OP’s posts: |
user1481840227 Thu 25-Jun-20 21:37:21

You can't expect a relationship where you're allowed to act and react in one way, but the other person has to remain cool, calm and collected no matter what way you act towards them or else they're the bad guy.
You're absolving yourself of any responsibility for your own reactions and actions and putting all responsibility on the other person.

"I might have done this but then you did that so I have to stand up for myself. I can push and slap you but you can't swear at me or tell me that you're trying to control your anger....because that's scary"

That's not how these things work. You don't sound like you're ready to be in a relationship now. You really don't!

We are all humans with buttons and limits. Not just you.

It doesn't matter if the jokes about his weight are infrequent...if a woman posts even one jokey comment her partner made on here about her weight then people jump all over him!! One comment can sting for years!

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