Do all men sulk?

[HatRack]

My alcoholic dad was a sulker. My abusive ex was a sulker. My current partner, who I thought was my soul mate, has revealed himself to be a sulker.

Sulking really triggers me. I find it very distressing.

I'm Autistic, which doesn't help, as I can't read people at the best of times.

Are all men sulkers? I've never been one.

[Shoxfordian]

Nope
I wouldn't date a sulker though, it's so unattractive.
How long have you been together?

[Crocky]

No.

[VettiyaIruken]

No.
Some men and women are sulkers. It's pathetic and you don't have to tolerate it

[SomeoneElseEntirelyNow]

Nope. Functioning adults don't sulk, i would get rid.

[Aquamarine1029]

Not my experience at all. I would never tolerate that bullshit.

[Redleathertrousers]

Only the dickheads.

[HatRack]

Been together just over a year. Most of the time it's fab. I'm so content. Best relationship I've ever had. But since lockdown he's been more and more sulky. It scares me.

[SomeoneElseEntirelyNow]

Sulky as in with you when you disagree, or at life because lockdown sucks?

[Redleathertrousers]

Dump him. It's a form of manipulation and abuse. It never ends well.

[Hailtomyteeth]

I'm autistic. When things are overwhelming, I close down, can't speak, might go out of the way. That might be interpreted as sulking. Could this apply to any of your people?

[HelmutShmacker]

No, not all men sulk. Hope you are OK 💐

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

No, not all men sulk and sulking is a form too of emotional abuse.

If this is the best relationship you've ever had I would be seriously wondering why you think this is the case at all. You do not have to put up with this from him and infact also such men do not change. I would look into planning your exit from this relationship because it is not going to get any better. It appears sadly that most, if not all the men in your life to date, are sulkers. People learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, yours taught you a lot of damaging lessons.

[Skyliner001]

No. And if he tried it he wouldn't get away with it.

[bluebluezoo]

I'm autistic. When things are overwhelming, I close down, can't speak, might go out of the way. That might be interpreted as sulking. Could this apply to any of your people?

This. If I get upset I need space to process my feelings, especially those towards other people.

I’m a “sulker” apparently. What makes it worse is if I do get upset now I’m automatically “sulking” and I can’t get my feelings out because people don’t let me talk.

I can’t get it through to others that what they call sulking is me being upset, needing some support, and once everything is ok again, needing a bit of space to process.

[HatRack]

@SomeoneElseEntirelyNow

Sulky as in with you when you disagree, or at life because lockdown sucks?

Both

[JustC]

I guess it all depends on your understanding of sulking. Maybe he just needs time to himslef when you guys are disagreeing, and you could tell him to just tell you when he needs time and come back to discuss when he's calmed down and gathered his thoughts. I sometimes get so angry that I need time, or just want a break from said disagreement,
and I'll tell DH so. We:re all diff.

[DKanin]

I'm divorcing a champion sulker. He had the ability to ruin any occasion and his moods changed depending which way the wind blew. There's only so much of it anyone can take - it's definitely not you OP. It takes its toll on the most thick skinned or laid back people eventually and you feel like you're on eggshells. I probably wouldn't waste your time trying to discuss it as I did. I used to get "not everything is about you" - that's right, but when the foul mood is ruining my day too then yes it is!

No - all men are not sulkers, in my personal experience, they've only made up 10-20% at most

[ThePathToHealing]

@HatRack

Been together just over a year. Most of the time it's fab. I'm so content. Best relationship I've ever had. But since lockdown he's been more and more sulky. It scares me.

Are you afraid of him or are you afraid of how he might feel about you?

Are you able to talk to him about your concerns or would that not go well?

It's awful to be afraid of someone sulking, they shutdown all communication and you spend hours thinking it over trying to work out what you did and how you can get them out of it.

If the sulking is the only issue you have then I'd suggest leaving him to it if talking doesn't help. If it's not, then I'd be questioning if the relationship is serving you. In either case you are also available to say, no, enough is enough and walk away.

[Techway]

@bluebluezoo, could you give more background.. assume your partner disagrees with you, what do you do? If you go quiet but explain you need time than that is fine. It isn't acceptable to keep your partner in the dark or prolong quiet time, because that is sulking ,especially if life has to go on..looking after children, cooking etc. If you are quiet to everyone that is also less problematic than just singling out your partner.

Emotions have to be processed in a healthy way and communication in relationships is like blood in the human body. If it stops flowing then there will be relationship "death". Your need for processing doesn't trump your partners need for communication and conflict resolution.

Mature adult talk, children sulk until they are taught otherwise.

[bluebluezoo]

@bluebluezoo, could you give more background.. assume your partner disagrees with you, what do you do? If you go quiet but explain you need time than that is fine. It isn't acceptable to keep your partner in the dark or prolong quiet time, because that is sulking ,especially if life has to go on..looking after children, cooking etc. If you are quiet to everyone that is also less problematic than just singling out your partner.

Emotions have to be processed in a healthy way and communication in relationships is like blood in the human body. If it stops flowing then there will be relationship "death". Your need for processing doesn't trump your partners need for communication and conflict resolution

You misunderstand. It’s not so much my partner, tbh, he gets it. We can have disagreements, air things out. If I’m upset I can tell him why.

Once everything’s said I need a bit of quiet time to process - i can’t just switch from sad/angry/upset back to normal.

It was more my mum. I was never allowed an opinion. She was old school “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about”.

As a teenager if I was upset or disagreed with anything there was no conversation, confrontation was bad, I should just do what the adult said. Therefore if I was upset I’d need to go to my room and have a cry and sort my own emotions out. And swear I’d never try to tell them how I was feeling again.

I’d need to go and have a sulk.

After I was told to stop being upset I was expected to switch on a smile and be happy. I can’t do that.

I was sulky.

There’d be a big drama about leaving me alone to sulk without ever addressing the issue.

30 years later and I still have the “sulker” label within my family.

In a way it was also self productive- because I felt I couldn’t speak up I supressed my emotions - so “sulking” also became when I was upset or whatever but couldn’t communicate that, so i’d go quiet until the feelings subsided.

See also “moody” or “hormonal”.

[ShebaShimmyShake]

No, they do not. Of course they do not. Find one who doesn't.

[fuckoffImcounting]

Sulkers are emotional abusers, they use their sulky ole baby moods to control their families.

[calmernow]

That processing excuse is bullshit. I had a sulker. He claimed he needed time to process and recover but funny how he never came round until I made the first move to reconciliation. Always me. If I didn't do it, the sulk went on and on and on. That is cruel and calculated. I didn't realise how abusive it was. It really ground me down. He knew my weakness was hating him thinking badly of me and he used it so very well against me. He knew I would break first and make that move. Then I think in his mind he had won. Arsehole. It was only when I started refusing to make the first move that I realised what was really going on and what the hell I was up against. Try it out on yours as an experiment if the answers on here don't convince you straight away. I wish I had posted your question at the beginning of my relationship . Sadly I assumed it was normal because everything else about my fella seemed so good and he had me fooled that I was the problem.

[NewLevelsOfTiredness]

I'm a man and I sulk from time to time. But I do it on my own time. Perhaps in the shower. That's a good sulking spot where it won't bother anyone.

Lockdown made it harder to get a quality sulk in, admittedly. On the rare occasion I'm caught sulking, I openly admit that I'm a being a twat. Which is lucky, because my wonderful, strong girlfriend would happily point it out to me if I didn't.

[gamerchick]

No not all men do it. My ex did try it but got told to fuck off out my sight until he was over himself.

Husband is a grown up who knows how to communicate.

On the rare occasion I'm caught sulking, I openly admit that I'm a being a twat

Attention seeking. Try another way of doing it rather than someone noticing you sulking, it's not attractive.

OP try the fuck off until you're over it approach with the comment you'll be having a conversation about his communication problems when he's over himself. Maybe throw in a grow the fuck up as well.