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What would you make of this?! It is even a red flag?

(161 Posts)
User13794 Thu 25-Jun-20 10:07:41

Could do with some outside perspectives as I fear my heart is ruling my head and I’m not seeing clearly!

I was in a relationship for 3 years that ended just over a year ago. I ended it because I was moving temporarily for work and it was too far to sustain it and it was something I felt was right at the time and I am glad I did it. He was devastated when it ended and it was very difficult and sad but ultimately for the best in the circumstances. I was VERY happy with him though so it was hard to do and we stayed in touch now and then. Fast forward to this April and he invites me over for a catch up now I am back from working abroad. We have an amazing afternoon, he tells me he was seeing someone on and off from Ireland but is currently single. I tell him I’m single too, we talk about random things, meet up again a few more times, kiss, have phone calls, text etc. It feels like we are slipping into a relationship again. He’s saying all sorts of lovely things, it’s great seeing him and we are as close as we were before and I felt I was falling back in love with him.

Then he suddenly disappears off the radar. I left it a couple of weeks then felt genuine concern and called/text. He eventually replied like he was a different person...saying lots of cryptic stuff like he wasn’t sure about us, he was still angry about the fact I left him and it hurt him badly, he was confused, I was messing with his head, things had changed for him a lot in the last year etc etc. I was confused by all of this and told him so and he started to get cross saying we could have been amazing and I ruined it, now I want to click my fingers and be back in a relationship... he put his heart on the line and I trampled on it and didn’t care about things by just ending it. Etc etc. So we stop talking.

I have since found out that in May, a month after we started seeing each other again, his ‘on off girlfriend’ from Ireland is having a baby in July. When I found out I asked him why he hadn’t told me. He said he only found out a month ago - but on my calculations there was an overlap and he certainly knew at least half the time we were seeing each other and didn’t tell me. When he disappeared it turned out he had actually gone to Ireland but even since that date he had been messaging me while he was there, I just didn’t know he wasn’t in England as he hadn’t told me.

When I asked why he didn’t tell me immediately when he found out, he says it was none of my business and why should he tell me about his life when I’m not part of it. He seemed to almost blame me for now wanting to be with him when he’s in this situation that he wouldn’t have been in had we stayed together!!!

I guess maybe he has a right to be angry but also he shouldn’t have been meeting me and being intimate etc without telling me this information surely? Or am I being unfair?

When the angry messages stopped, he sort of broke down and just said the last few weeks had been terrible and he was very worried about everything. This has made me feel so protective of him...he always wanted the marriage, family, house, in a very prescriptive way and so I know how much this will be affecting him and causing him panic. It is the worst scenario for him. He met her in September last year so hasn’t even known her a year and I can’t see her moving here after she apparently didn’t tell him about the pregnancy until a few weeks ago.

He’s said he would like to chat soon and that he has found things really hard and that he is sorry he snapped at me and that he would never want to fall out, he still cares. Am I being a pushover for entertaining even this? I still care for him a lot and part of me wonders if I could even move past this and still be with him in the future...we haven’t talked about us at all since he has admitted to what has gone on but it is clear he is not in a relationship with this person so I do know that for sure.

Am I being an idiot for even considering this? I’m known to be very forgiving in relationships and letting things slide that people would see as red flags, but maybe this isn’t a red flag it’s just real life and stuff happens?

OP’s posts: |
AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 25-Jun-20 10:14:50

Do not give him any more of your time and or consideration here.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.
This man is a gigantic red flag and sees you as someone merely to be used and or otherwise picked up and put down when he sees fit. Why are you exactly so forgiving and letting things slide that people would see as red flags?.

Read the website entitled Baggage Reclaim, do not let your heart rule your head here and raise your relationship bar and boundaries a lot higher going forward.

User13794 Thu 25-Jun-20 10:17:10

Thanks for your reply. This is what is scaring me because I honestly felt like maybe this is just what happens in life and nobody is perfect. He doesn’t know this woman and so it must be a shock for him and I feel for him because of that. It’s not his fault I guess is it? These things happen.

I guess also I thought he has a right to be angry with me for ending things when we were so happy. Maybe he thought I just wanted to pick him up again when I had finished my travels, which is maybe a red flag from me?! I don’t know.

OP’s posts: |
User13794 Thu 25-Jun-20 10:31:16

I am so conflicted by it all and don’t know what to make of it.

OP’s posts: |
AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 25-Jun-20 10:36:03

Honestly, stay away from this man because he is bad news all round.

Why do you feel so protective of him exactly?. Whats your motivation behind that. Are you codependent, a rescuer, a saviour or a fixer when it comes to relationships?. None of these traits will do you any favours at all.

He's come to you as well because he can and he can also sense that you still have some feelings for him and will tolerate any crap he throws at you; even he now becoming a father and there also being an on off girlfriend has not put you completely off.

Look carefully at what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up and seek counselling for your own self.

User13794 Thu 25-Jun-20 10:41:10

I think I feel protective because I know it was me who ended things, when we were happy. He was very very good to me, always checked I was home ok, always called when he said he would, wanted to make me happy.

I feel like just because this has happened in his life does that mean I just disregard the fact that we were good together?

Obviously at the moment those conversations aren’t happening anyway as there’s other things happening!! But in general should I not bother with someone like this, has he really done anything wrong?

I think that’s the nub of it, he hasn’t done anything wrong has he?

OP’s posts: |
crystalize Thu 25-Jun-20 10:53:53

Of course he's done something wrong. He knew his girlfriend was pregnant yet strung you along not telling you, then instead of being open and honest he ghosted you for a while then turned his guilt onto you, blaming you for going away to work. He was the one who got back in touch with you.

Step back from this and let him sort his own mess out.

User13794 Thu 25-Jun-20 10:54:14

And I’m not sure he’s tried to pick me up and drop me either... it’s more than we met and then a couple of weeks later he found out about this woman’s pregnancy and her nearly being due. So then he backed off which I guess is understandable and the right thing to do at this time? Other than not telling me about it the second he found out, I don’t think he’s done anything wrong really . I don’t know. I’m confused.

OP’s posts: |
User13794 Thu 25-Jun-20 10:55:59

We were both in touch generally, I encourage communication too, it definitely wasn’t just him. In fact when he suddenly backed off I messaged him a lot as I was confused so that was more me than him.

OP’s posts: |
PicsInRed Thu 25-Jun-20 10:58:03

God he's shit.

PlanDeRaccordement Thu 25-Jun-20 10:59:22

I think you need to end it permanently too.
It’s obvious he cares for you more than you care for him. You breaking the relationship because your job took you abroad was a lame excuse. You could have asked him to go with you. You could have tried a LDR. But no, you dumped him so you could go to abroad and meet new and exciting people as a free single person.

Your coming back has put him in a whirlwind of emotions. He still loves you, but you left him when you did not have to. Now you are acting like you two can pick up where you left off. How can he trust you after what you did? He can’t. Now you’re turning it back on him and acting like he is a red flag because he’s still hurt you left him for no reason other than a job that moved. Millions of people juggle jobs that move between countries and manage to do it without dumping their partners. So you do not really love him. You live off the nice feeling you get at the thought of his love for you and how you can abuse it and yet he still loves you in spite of that.

He can’t trust you. For his own good, end it. He’s too loyal to you for his own good. He’s too loyal to his ex who is pregnant too and will probably marry her out of loyalty not love.

crystalize Thu 25-Jun-20 10:59:43

His girlfriend is having a baby in July... let go of him now to avoid real heartbreak x

DressingGownofDoom Thu 25-Jun-20 10:59:53

User13794

I think I feel protective because I know it was me who ended things, when we were happy. He was very very good to me, always checked I was home ok, always called when he said he would, wanted to make me happy.

I feel like just because this has happened in his life does that mean I just disregard the fact that we were good together?

Obviously at the moment those conversations aren’t happening anyway as there’s other things happening!! But in general should I not bother with someone like this, has he really done anything wrong?

I think that’s the nub of it, he hasn’t done anything wrong has he?


Yes you ended it and he's not half afraid to throw that in your face and use it against you is he?

User13794 Thu 25-Jun-20 10:59:55

I was the one who ended it though and broke his heart. He really wanted things to work and was good to me. I can’t get that part out of my head I guess sad

OP’s posts: |
Bluntness100 Thu 25-Jun-20 11:00:14

Yeah I’m not with the other posters and could see how this could happen.

Yes he should have told you about the baby and yes he should not have gaslighted you, but I can also see how your relationship developed again and the emotions that would be involved in this.

Did he behave well. No of course not. But I think I too could move past this. However it seems he carries a lot of hurt from you ending it before, which could result in a lot of hurt and uncertainty on his part that you’d not do it again

DressingGownofDoom Thu 25-Jun-20 11:01:21

User13794

And I’m not sure he’s tried to pick me up and drop me either... it’s more than we met and then a couple of weeks later he found out about this woman’s pregnancy and her nearly being due. So then he backed off which I guess is understandable and the right thing to do at this time? Other than not telling me about it the second he found out, I don’t think he’s done anything wrong really . I don’t know. I’m confused.


He says he found out about her pregnancy then. Doesn't mean he actually found out about it then.

User13794 Thu 25-Jun-20 11:02:58

plan that’s exactly how he sees it. He was so cross and kept saying we could have been so happy and I ruined it etc etc. Which is true.

I didn’t expect this to happen though but then life is full of surprises I suppose.

OP’s posts: |
feelingsomewhatlost Thu 25-Jun-20 11:03:01

Will probably get flamed for this but I don't necessarily think it's a 'red flag', just the (admittedly very bad) behaviour of someone very confused and hurt. It does sound like he hoped your relationship would pick up where you left it once you'd returned and the two of you staying in contact probably reinforced that thinking. Most likely he wanted to pretend the pregnancy wasn't happening because he was worried it was going to jeopardise your relationship.

I think you need to decide what you want and maybe have one final, clear conversation where you either decide to start afresh or walk away for good and go no contact. He clearly needs time to get over the relationship and maybe once that's happened he will be a better, more attentive father.

PlanDeRaccordement Thu 25-Jun-20 11:18:29

And OP, you deserve a man that you truly do love. It is never good when one partner is head over heels and the other is not, but is fond and having fun. If you loved him, you would not have broke it off for a job move. It’s a clear sign that he’s not right for you even if he thinks you are perfect for him. That’s why you are confused. Everyone likes to be loved, it’s flattering, you feel great, you have fun. But if you don’t love them back to the same extent, you end up being a big disappointment to them. A relationship that is so unbalanced ends up being unhealthy for both of you. It’s best to let him go.

User13794 Thu 25-Jun-20 11:20:14

I get it was confusing for him to have found this out so suddenly. I am suspicious that he would meet her in September though and then only now find out about it? Two weeks from a due date?

I don’t know why I feel like I want to be there for him, I suppose I feel like life can happen and it’s not his fault this has happened and clearly was never something he would have wanted, he has always said that so I know he will be finding it hard.

OP’s posts: |
Aerial2020 Thu 25-Jun-20 11:26:31

Oh my gosh, he's having a baby with another woman.
Step the hell away. Far too messy. Why is he do angry with you? He didn't have to start seeing you again. Blimey.

ThePlantsitter Thu 25-Jun-20 11:27:06

Honestly I'm the first to blame men for all the ills in the world but in this case I think it's a bit harsh to say he's shit and this is all him.

Yes, he's got into a mess. But clearly your break up affected him badly. No judgement on you for that but what you do now is a different matter.

If all of the stuff with the woman in Ireland and the baby was not in the equation, would you want to get back together with him, potentially for ever, potentially to have kids and settle down? WITH HIM?

If the answer is no, walk away. You know that's what he wants. If the answer is yes, go after what you want.

Aerial2020 Thu 25-Jun-20 11:28:12

I also think he's telling some lies and keeping 2 women on the go. You sound very 'oh poor guy' like he's not responsible for anything himself.

dooratheexplorer Thu 25-Jun-20 11:28:44

He clearly still loves you hence the reason he saw you again and it has stirred up a load of emotion.

You don't know the detail of the new woman and the baby. Perhaps he wasn't really invested and then she (whoops!) got pregnant.

Don't be too hard on him but let him go now. He needs to work out what's right for him. Either he stays with her and the baby or he lets her go and resumes a relationship with you. He can't have both.

lazylinguist Thu 25-Jun-20 11:29:41

I think I feel protective because I know it was me who ended things.

People end relationships all the time. There can be upset as a result, but you can't spend the rest of your life being protective of exes just because they didn't want you to break up with them! His issue with the pregnant girlfriend is not your fault (obviously) and I'd be careful about putting his snappy behaviour down to just that. It sounds more as though he was punishing you for breaking up with him before. Definitely red flags.

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