Marital rape?

(169 Posts)
MandB23 Thu 25-Jun-20 09:33:58

For a while I didn’t call it what it was, but deep down I know that my husband has raped/sexually assaulted me multiple times.
It started in about 2018 where he would start having sex with me in the night. He would do it after an argument. It was odd.
We would have a horrible argument, go to bed and then within an hour or so he would do it. I would generally just lie there and let it happen. I didn’t say no but usually I’m quite an active, enthusiastic participant and myself, I can’t imagine having sex with someone who is just lying there. He would then get off and just go to sleep.
After a few times, I had to speak to him to say - please can you not do that. I mentioned the word consent - as in, how can I consent if I’m asleep when it starts. He kicked off royally. I never used the word rape but he started with “how can I rape you when we’re married”. The minute he said that, I knew that I was wasting my time talking to him. But I made it clear that I don’t give consent, that I’ve become fearful of him in the night and I’m waking at every little movement and I have a feeling of dread. I wake up the next day feeling empty and numb and sad. And I wanted him to stop doing it.
I used to enjoy night time sex. But at that point we were in a bad place and I just felt taken advantage of.
Anyway, once I clearly communicated that I don’t consent to that and even if I’m not saying no - it’s because I freeze and go a bit numb when it happens. But it carried on. And then I knew it was rape. Because I had told him that I did not want that but I don’t have the confidence to say no at the time.
I got pregnant - from one of these times. Because we weren’t having any other kind of sex. the baby was still born. I had sepsis and was quite unwell. I thought he would have learnt from this but the day I got home (3 days post birth) he did it again. That’s the first time I stopped him and the last time he tried it. I was in shock - like how are you doing this now??? But I was sore and bleeding and just said “what are you doing?” The next day was a huge argument when I brought it up. Going mad again - saying “oh you’re calling me a rapist, (baby’s name) must have been a rape baby then” just horrible stuff. We were in the car and he kept driving erratically and he was just so so angry and horrible about it.
It hasn’t happened since. But I can’t get over it. I feel anger about it still. I want to talk to him about it - like ask why?? But I know I can’t talk about the subject. Just more and more I know that what he did was wrong and I’m not sure I can let it go.

I don’t know what I’m writing this for really. I’ve just got an overwhelming sense of dread for the day ahead when I’m thinking about this and how I have to pretend I’m fine.

OP’s posts: |
NoMoreDickheads Thu 25-Jun-20 09:42:48

I want to talk to him about it - like ask why??

He's told you why- he thinks if he's married to you he's entitled to your body at all times; that marital rape is not a thing (he's wrong of course.)

It also sounds like if sometimes it's after an argument, he uses it as a punishment.

I’m not sure I can let it go.

You do not have to forgive and forget/let go of someone having repeatedly raped you. In fact, trying to 'get over it' is not the best course of action IMHO. This is not a situation that has ended- he'll probably do it again in future, as he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong. And the first time he did it was one time too many.

You are right to think this is not ok - it's about as far from ok as you can get.

Please start thinking of ways you can safely leave/separate from him.

Comtesse Thu 25-Jun-20 09:44:37

Oh no this is terrible. You poor love, how could he be so cruel? This is terribly abusive.

Shoxfordian Thu 25-Jun-20 09:45:08

Can you speak to rape crisis or women's aid where he can't overhear you? He's been raping you for years. Can you stay with a friend or your family? You're not safe in your own bed. I really hope you're planning to leave him

Amiayoungmumthough Thu 25-Jun-20 09:46:14

I think you need to read what you just wrote. Imagine it was your best friend or sister that had written it?
I am so sorry you've had to go through all of this, he sounds toxic.
What he's done to you is abuse and making you feel like you can't talk about it is also abuse. You have told him no, maybe not in the moment but you have told him no and not to do it and he's continued. What kind of person does that?
I hope you can see this for what it is and can bring yourself to leave this man, he doesn't sound like a partner in life, he sounds like he's making you miserable.

madcatladyforever Thu 25-Jun-20 09:47:59

You need to leave him and get the hell out of there. I would even report this to the police.
The longer you stay the more these things just seem "normal"
This guy is a rapist and a criminal. He will find other ways to abuse you.
He is sick in the head.
I would not be living with a rapist and a criminal. You deserve better. Get in a divorce petition and name rape on it as the reason you want to divorce him, start making plans to leave.
This is just horrific.

Julyisnotamonth Thu 25-Jun-20 09:49:29

That's awful.

Is he religious? In some religions marriage = unrestricted pussy access.


Julyisnotamonth Thu 25-Jun-20 09:51:42

I'm so sorry about your baby..there is no point talking your husband, please talk to a counsellor and leave him. He is very abusive and dangerous.

userabcname Thu 25-Jun-20 09:52:26

This sounds awful OP. I recommend reading Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft (free pdf version if you google) but essentially, as pp have said, he views you as his property now, not as an individual. It doesn't matter what you want or need or consent to, as long as he gets what he wants. This is definitely rape and sexual abuse. Reading the aforementioned book will offer you more answers than he could, I imagine, as it sounds as though if you did ask him again he would continue to deny/minimise/gaslight.

pigeon999 Thu 25-Jun-20 09:53:25

Gosh op, I am so sad for you, it is no wonder you can not 'let it go' who could in your position?

He is not a decent or kind man. Tell someone in RL about this op as a first step, someone trusted and then please get some help and support.

category12 Thu 25-Jun-20 09:55:55

Please speak to Rape Crisis.

You need to leave him. What's making you stay?

JustC Thu 25-Jun-20 09:56:04

Jesus Christ, you need to leave. He is a rapist. Stop wondering why he's doing it, there is no good or justifiable answer to that. Pls, if you are in a position to do so, leave. I don't know the proper lines to call, but I'm sure alot of posters will know. So sorry you have gon through this so many years, so sorry for you about the baby. Big big hugs

crusheddaffodils Thu 25-Jun-20 09:58:02

I'm so sorry OP.

You can't let this go. Why should you? Why would you? Please leave this man, seek support and rebuild your life as you deserve to. thanks

Mumoblue Thu 25-Jun-20 10:00:35

Oh my god OP you need to get out as you can.
Call womens aid or rape crisis. You are not safe around your husband.

I am so sorry about your baby, and that you're going through this.
You deserve happiness and your husband is abusing you. Please find a way to leave.

Opentooffers Thu 25-Jun-20 10:08:20

Rape is not something to get over, don't even try. You seem to be looking for ways of managing how to keep the marriage going, but this is a bad thing to attempt. Don't let the rape go, Lete the marriage go. You don't have to be married to him, you don't have to be with him. You can have him removed from your home by getting police involved, women's aid can advise you on this.
What are the reasons you have for not ending this? They are all surmountable.

SorrySadDog Thu 25-Jun-20 10:11:59

This happened to me however not with the aggression. I eventually left.

It went on for years and I hate myself for not leaving earlier

MandB23 Thu 25-Jun-20 10:13:34

Thank you everyone.
I feel like I must sound like I’m a really easy target.
I’m usually quite a strong and outspoken person. But with this for some reason I haven’t felt that way.
I know that he’s awful. I know it. But there is a side to him that is the opposite. He portrays himself as quite lovely and nobody would believe the things I could tell them.
As time goes on and his behaviour isn’t really changing, I feel like I’m waking up. And even now when he’s acting ‘normal’ and nice - all I can think about is all of the bad stuff.
The idea of divorce just scares me. I would struggle financially. It’s not the life I wanted for my children.
I ideally wanted to rebuild us and have a fresh start.
But, honestly, I know I need to leave.
I just don’t seem to have found the strength.
He has told me he will seek anger management for years. Because when he’s angry he is horrible and cold and even with our kids. He has finally actually rang the doctors and has an appointment next week.
So I feel like that’s a tiny step. But also, I’m not sure I can let go of everything.
He told me once that he doesn’t find people who look like me attractive. This was when I was pregnant. I guess he meant weight. That’s one other thing I can’t let go of.
I’m in a mess. Wish I’d have left him years ago. And now I just feel resentment.

OP’s posts: |
DeerHeart Thu 25-Jun-20 10:18:23

You are not an easy target, there is no such thing as an easy target for rape.

If you are struggling with finding the strength, please make a call to Rape Crisis and talk this through. They will support you every step of the way.

I know it’s insanely hard, but please leave. He is abusing you and not seeing that it is wrong. Xxx

lazylinguist Thu 25-Jun-20 10:19:09

I know that he’s awful. I know it. But there is a side to him that is the opposite. He portrays himself as quite lovely.

That's not having a lovely side, it's portraying a lovely side. I expect most rapists, murderers etc can act nice when they want to. That doesn't change what they are, regardless of how many people have been convinced by their act. You deserve to get away from him, OP. It's not too late.

Sunnydayshereatlast Thu 25-Jun-20 10:19:34

My exh raped me 2 weeks pp. I took my wedding rings off the next morning and confronted him. He denied it. Took him 6 weeks to notice I had no rings on. Took me 2 years to plan my escape.. But I did leave.
Remarried now and in a very normal relationship..
Your dc deserve a dm who is happy and respected.
Their df can't give them that but you can. Consider speaking to the police op. It is rape. Wish I had reported it..
Take care of yourself op..

PinkMonkeyBird Thu 25-Jun-20 10:21:09

This is horrendous.

Please get out of this marriage, report him to the police and get some support. He does not fucking own you, just because you are married. Marital rape is domestic violence, sexual abuse...a criminal act. Please contact Refuge and Womens Aid a call:

MandB23 Thu 25-Jun-20 10:35:43

I know. I don’t know why I’m needing other people to tell me. But clearly that’s what I’m seeking.
I can’t seem to accept the situation for what it is. I see the best in everything.
I recently rang a local women’s refuge for advice. After he pulled me accross the bed and pinned me down. Because I wouldn’t continue to argue with him. I told him to stop repeatedly and then just said I’m not doing this, I’m going to sleep. But he said “no you’re not” and dragged me accross the bed and pinned me down. I just froze and then he got off and stormed downstairs. I told him the next day that I felt scared for the first time. He said sorry. But that night again we were just lay talking and it turned and I said again - I’m not going to do this. If it’s not a respectful conversation then I don’t want to have it, so whilst you’re talking to me like that I’m going to sleep. He then said “if you start ignoring me, I’ll grab you again”.
That made it clear to me that he is using conscious decisions and bad behaviour to manipulate me.
So I rang the refuge. They cemented what I thought - that it was abusive behaviour. I just cried. I told him that I had rang and that’s how I’m feeling. He now takes the mick out of that. When I was upset the other day - he said “go and ring the Samaritans or whoever”.
I don’t know.
I feel like I need to pretend whilst I figure out what I do. But then I’m also clinging on to every bit of hope that he can do better. That he can be the person I thought he was. It’s like I feel desperate for him to change. I feel a bit embarrassed about how little self worth I clearly have.
It’s like I know full well how wrong this is but I can’t accept it.

OP’s posts: |
OzziePopPop Thu 25-Jun-20 10:40:25

Amazingly, marital rape wasn’t recognised until 1992 when R vs R went before the House of Lords.

Astonishing, scary and far too long coming.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you, it is now taken seriously and help is available.

lazylinguist Thu 25-Jun-20 10:41:12

That is truly chilling,OP. He knows exactly what he's doing and doesn't care. And he mocks you for being traumatised by him raping you. Of course he can't do better and be the person you want him to be - this is who he is. No decent human being could do what he's done, regardless of whether he could later pretend to change. He's a monster, and no amount of temporary apparent niceness or goodbehaviour can change that fact. But I think you know that really.

OzziePopPop Thu 25-Jun-20 10:42:01

I should say marital rape wasn’t recognised in law in the uk formally previously, people believed a husband could not rape his wife before that (incorrectly).

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in