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How to deal with partners ex?

(24 Posts)
JustOneLastThing Wed 24-Jun-20 22:15:56

DP's ex-g is a piece of work. She delights in sending vile messages about how he is letting the dcs down and is a crap parent, all the time refusing him access and taking 1/3 more maintainence BC the dcs need designer clothes in her opinion (not exaggerating at all btw 🙄).

I am trying to keep my distance but it sends him into a pit of despair when she says such unpleasant (and untrue) words.

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JustOneLastThing Wed 24-Jun-20 22:17:23

Sorry, didn't mean to press send. I want to be supportive without interfering but it's so hard to know what to say or do.

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Fairycake2 Wed 24-Jun-20 22:23:47

Why doesn't he have access to the DC's?

TrustTheGeneGenie Wed 24-Jun-20 22:27:17

Fairycake2

Why doesn't he have access to the DC's?

Because she's refusing it? It says that in the op.

Hmm op. I'd love to give you advice having been in your position but if I'm honest I don't know what to suggest.

For me, I was just supportive. Didnt give the ex a reaction, neither did dp, continued to do what needed to be done re access (mediation in our case almost court).

It was a very, very hard time.

Has he agreed to more maintenance?

JustOneLastThing Wed 24-Jun-20 22:35:51

@TrustTheGeneGenie yes, because he wants to not incite further rage. She really is so unpleasant. Today's latest message was that my DS had made and put a poster in the window and that was 'insensitive' and he didn't deserve his kids BC of this. As it stands, I put the poster up, it's by an artist, not a child.
Her response-sorry I said the first part (about the poster), not sorry about the second part.
I am angry on his behalf about this.

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TrustTheGeneGenie Wed 24-Jun-20 22:38:22

How does she know? Is she stalking your house?

Honestly with someone like this id go to the CMS about maintenance and court about access.

I wouldn't even piss around trying to placate her she sounds like a right pain in the arse!

ComtesseDeSpair Wed 24-Jun-20 22:41:33

Well, she must have been a decent enough person for enough years for him to have been in love with her and want to produce several children with her, so perhaps look to your DP for the reason why she’s become such a nasty and terrible person.

Other than that, you don’t need to “deal with” her: leave it up to him and don’t engage with any messages. He needs to go to court for a proper maintenance and formal access arrangement - why hasn’t he done this already?

Fairycake2 Wed 24-Jun-20 22:42:24

I read that @trustthegenegenie but there must be a reason even if its just a reason the ex believes to be true

JustOneLastThing Wed 24-Jun-20 22:42:30

@TrustTheGeneGenie she is prone to a drive by on occasion! We get little messages saying that we have been seen (by her friends? The postman?). I'm not sure trips to the supermarket could be considered anything other than, you know, living.
She doesn't like my DC being around, perhaps I should access them by meeting them in dark alleys rather than our home?!

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TrustTheGeneGenie Wed 24-Jun-20 22:43:52

Well, she must have been a decent enough person for enough years for him to have been in love with her and want to produce several children with her, so perhaps look to your DP for the reason why she’s become such a nasty and terrible person

What a load of old shite. Would you say that to a woman whos husband turned out to be a total arsehole?

No?

Why's that?

SandyY2K Wed 24-Jun-20 23:10:05

We get little messages saying that we have been seen

You're not under house arrest are you ? What's she on about

Has he never had access since they split up?

Does he have any intention of going to court to get visitation for his DC.

I don't understand how dhe says he's a crap parent...yet refuses to allow him to see his DC.

There must be more to this...it does not make sense to me.

He doesn't want to incite further rage ? What more can she do? She already doesn't let him see the kids...what more would her rage look like?

Quite frankly if her vile messages come from absolutely nowhere...he should be seeking legal advice about this and the fact that he wants to see his DC.

She comes across as unstable...is she the person he's happy to have 100% custody of his DC.

JustOneLastThing Wed 24-Jun-20 23:21:13

@SandyY2K there is more to it, in that she has assaulted him in the past. She has form. People are scared of her but she is clever, powerful and a touch intimidating. DP doesn't know how to act-I think he was a victim of da but he doesn't want to admit that. Leaving her and then meeting me seemed to make her get angry. The police know but can't do much of anything because she threatens to take the kids away.
I am at a bit of a loss whether I can do anything to help.

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RantyAnty Wed 24-Jun-20 23:31:41

Not enough info here.
How long have you been with him?
How long were they together?
Does he have a court order?
Did she used to live in the house you're in now?

AnneLovesGilbert Wed 24-Jun-20 23:34:41

Aren’t you a treat @ComtesseDeSpair do you engage in nasty victim-blaming when the victim is a woman or just when they’re a man?

SandyY2K Wed 24-Jun-20 23:40:06

she threatens to take the kids away.

He already doesn't see them...what difference would this make?

If he pays the required amount on maintenance, he doesn't have to pay more...having already stopped contact he has nothing to lose.

Leaving her and then meeting me seemed to make her get angry

She may think he left her for you....hence her anger.

In what way has he let the kids down? It seems like she's saying he isn't there for the kids....yet in the same breath won't allow him to see them.

It seems he's resigned not to see his kids or do anything to fight for them out of fear...the kids will have their view on that as they grow up.

There's not much you can do except to support him...but where does this end?

Is there someone who can mediate....like her mum...his mum...a sibling...to help him see the kids?

He would be better off blocking her and have her communicate purely by email. That's the advice given in these situations.

Cherrysoup Thu 25-Jun-20 00:27:01

Court order for access.

HugeAckmansWife Thu 25-Jun-20 07:48:25

You keep saying she won't let him see the kids and she takes more maintenance. She cannot reach into his bank and take it, he gives it. He can go to court for access. You can self rep with a bit of effort and attention to detail.. Lots of people do these days. It's a bad situation now so he's got nothing to lose by souring the situation further. He needs to stop reacting and be proactive.

Mascotte Thu 25-Jun-20 07:57:32

Does he want to see his DCs? Is he doing anything about that?

I think you should both simply stop engaging with her or reacting at all.

Go through a Solicitor to seek contact with his DCs or if he doesn't want to do that then he should just pay maintenance snd leave it at that.

slipperywhensparticus Thu 25-Jun-20 08:00:10

TrustTheGeneGenie

*Well, she must have been a decent enough person for enough years for him to have been in love with her and want to produce several children with her, so perhaps look to your DP for the reason why she’s become such a nasty and terrible person*

What a load of old shite. Would you say that to a woman whos husband turned out to be a total arsehole?

No?

Why's that?

I would actually I do say that about my ex yes there were cracks but we got on ok things were good until they weren't

Thisisworsethananticpated Thu 25-Jun-20 08:01:36

He needs to stop engaging
He needs to speak to a lawyer
He needs to create a simple one page summary of main events to brief them
Keep it factual not emotional

All you can do is encourage him to educate himself on the legalities and research the old grey rock

He doesn’t have to receive these messages and get upset on a daily basis

slipperywhensparticus Thu 25-Jun-20 08:02:09

If she is making comments that clearly prove she is stalking you then speak to the police

And he needs court for the access

And go through csa if your that bothered by the child maintenance although that is the legal minimum there is sadly no law against just paying that and nothing more

P999 Fri 26-Jun-20 00:45:55

I'm sorry, but I wouldn't interfere. By all means be supportive but you only have his side of the story and you will inflame things if you get involved. And i would absolutely not recommend bringing in others to mediate. I imagine it's hard for everyone. But its not your place to get involved. Just support.

user1481840227 Fri 26-Jun-20 01:25:45

The police know but can't do much of anything because she threatens to take the kids away.

This really makes no sense.
There are posters on here sometimes who are court ordered to bring their kids to see their dads and have to pay for all of the fuel costs and do all of the driving. There was one situation where the woman genuinely couldn't afford the fuel without going short for something else and was told tough shit basically because the dad didn't drive!

There was a thread recently where a woman said it didn't matter what access agreements or any agreements that her ex didn't stick to, but once when she was going to be a little bit late getting the kids to their dad and she let him know and next thing the police were at her door. I'm sure she said something about a police helicopter too lol

Your partner would have access to his kids right now if he went down the proper route...and the police would ensure that he got to see his kids if she didn't stick to it!

Destroyedpeople Fri 26-Jun-20 01:38:41

If your partner wants to see his kids then he should go to court and get a court order. As fir her 'taking' his money for designer clothes...how does that work?
I always thought that the amount was agreed and then the account holder would make arrangements for the agreed amount of money to be transferred....
How does one help oneself to someone else's money? I am fascinated.

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