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How to get over someone/stop comparing yourself?

(18 Posts)
alwayslemons Wed 24-Jun-20 19:11:07

I have a very complicated relationship with the man whom I consider to be the love of my life. I fell in love with him the day I met him (several years ago). It was intense and I've hardly had a day go by since then when I don't think about him.

We've recently started talking again and are trying to be friends (although we haven't met up in person because COVID), and on social media now I see that he has a girlfriend. But not just any girlfriend. She's TEN years younger than I am, was a model in her teenage years (think long slim legs & underwear model figure) and is now a successful published author. He's always gushing on facebook about how talented she is and how incredibly proud of her he is.

I can't imagine anyone ever feeling that way about me. And certainly never him. I'm not delusional, I know we're never getting back together - but it hurts to know how unfavourably I compare to her when for me, he's it. I'm pretty plain and ordinary by comparison and I don't know how to get past this negative way of thinking about myself. I do want to be friends with him long term and I don't want to sabotage what they have (frankly he'd be an idiot not to marry her) but how on earth can I get over him and stop seeing myself this way? It's eating me up. I mean I've never had particularly high levels of self esteem, but this is ridiculous.

OP’s posts: |
Faith50 Wed 24-Jun-20 19:18:00

I am sorry you feel this way.

I would advise you to lose contact with him in person, via email and social media. There is no need to be friends. You would only be torturing yourself and living in the shadow of his girlfriend. This is unfair to you.

alwayslemons Wed 24-Jun-20 19:18:46

(Yes, I know I sound like a one woman pity party. Hence my asking for help.)

OP’s posts: |
alwayslemons Wed 24-Jun-20 19:19:54

@Faith50 I was afraid this would be the answer.

OP’s posts: |
Tdaadfb100 Wed 24-Jun-20 19:20:44

Ask yourself why he has got in touch with you again?

Lots of exes are bored during lockdown and are ‘reaching out’/want some attention. I’ve just heard from my narcissist Ex after 5 years of silence.

There are a couple of red flags already flying in your post..
(Fell in love the day you met him; intense; still thinking about him.)

Tread very carefully with this one ...

chocopops Wed 24-Jun-20 19:21:11

I think the best way to get over this is to try and move on and find someone else.

It really hurts to compare yourself to an ex's girlfriend. It's difficult not to look on social media and wonder why you are not good enough but you are. He just wasn't the right one for you.

I fell for someone years ago and he left me for someone that had a completely different body shape to mine. It made me feel inferior like I wasn't sexy enough. I eventually met someone else who found me attractive. That didn't work out but he wasn't right for me but time is a great healer and I am over them both.

I think in time you will heal from this and find someone else.

stealm Wed 24-Jun-20 20:00:27

I don't think you can be friends with him. Sorry.
Things like that generally don't work.
Why is he chatting to you anyway? Surely if this new gf is so great he has no need to talk to you. So either things aren't that great after all or he's rubbing your face in it a bit.

Also I agree with someone saying that he might be bored in lockdown. My ex got in touch with me one week into lockdown and I told him to do one. It was only because he wasn't able to visit his new girlfriend and had nowt better to do than send me text messages.

Just ignore him. Focus on other friends instead.

Dozer Wed 24-Jun-20 20:02:02

No contact at all with him would be best.

He’s just one person.

Bluntness100 Wed 24-Jun-20 20:05:37

I don’t think you’ll move on being his friend op. I’m sorry. For your own sake you need to cut contact and not look at his social media. You only wish to be his friend because you think you love him. He will,never be what you wish him to be.

Bluntness100 Wed 24-Jun-20 20:06:42

Surely if this new gf is so great he has no need to talk to you

Lots of folks are friendly with exes. It’s also easy if they have no feelings for the ex. The same can’t be said for the op.

Bolt2 Wed 24-Jun-20 20:20:44

Dont compare yourself to others ,they might not be great in all departments and looks is just one of them. If he has got in touch I think that is great. My partner now was my first love over 30 years ago and we are going strong after 2 years . I felt exactly the same as you did and it started by just messaging and then meeting and after all that time he still gave me butterflies. And can I just say a lot of social media is for show ! Dont believe everything you see or read. Personally I would just carry on chatting and just tread carefully in case it doesnt come to anything. For me it all worked out , after 30 years people change but the chemistry was still there and we still get on great and have learnt a lot from past relationships which is great for ours.
Just dont rush in too quick is all I would say.

summerdays Wed 24-Jun-20 20:25:03

I think counselling might be a good idea to work on your self esteem and deal with your negative thoughts about yourself.
Focus on the good things about you, we all have them! Comparing is not healthy, we are all different and unique in our own ways.

A bit of self love can work wonders flowers

Cat112344 Fri 26-Jun-20 02:16:11

Definitely do not be friends with this man, I know you think you need contact with him but trust me it’ll be the worst thing for you. You’ll compare yourself even more to her then. Looks fade, personality stays!

TorkTorkBam Fri 26-Jun-20 02:18:42

You cannot be friends with someone you hold a candle for. Just no. Why be that cruel to yourself?

ShinyFootball Fri 26-Jun-20 02:19:14

He has a girlfriend.

It's doing your head in.

You are still in love with him.

Friends is not going to work, you need to break contact.

Sorry I know that's not what you want to hear.

user1481840227 Fri 26-Jun-20 02:28:48

You won't get over him if you stay in contact with him. You really won't.
You need to cut contact completely and then throw yourself into self love and self care practices...whatever that means for you.

managedmis Fri 26-Jun-20 03:11:10

What everyone else said - block him

It's not worth all your mental energy (he knows this and likes the attention)

Thisisworsethananticpated Fri 26-Jun-20 07:54:18

A lot of people look up history during
Lockdown and that includes Exes

But this is having such a disastrous impact on you ! To spend this much time obsessing over someone , in fact two people
It’s awful for you !

How long have you been not speaking
For , and we’re you happier then ?

Sorry but is also recommend a total clean break for your sake
Of your own mental health

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