Mentally dealing with XH nastiness

[crummyusername]

Hi I'm looking for some advice. XH + my relationship broke down several years ago and we're separated but unfortunately still living in the same house at the moment. We have two kids (late primary + early secondary ages).

The relationship is totally dead but I'm finding it really hard to deal with his nastiness. A lot of this is horrible text messages (bitch, go and die etc), sometimes this is face to face. He constantly calls me a bad parent; refuses to allow us to plan who is with the kids when; and when he's angry, he'll sabotage my plans eg by refusing to come home so I'm forced to cancel as I have to stay with the kids.

Every time this happens I struggle to cope mentally. My heartrate goes up, I'm tense and sometimes I'll lose hours of the day as I'm too upset to get anything much done. I think I should be able to shut him off as there is no relationship but I can't. I also feel such anger and frustration when I can't plan my own life or the kids.

I'd really like any advice on dealing with this. I can't avoid him completely because of the kids. He refuses attempts to try to sort the separation more permanently, though of course I'm trying to move this forward. How can I toughen myself up in the meantime and not waste my OWN time getting upset with his horrible behaviour?

[hellsbellsmelons]

Why are you still living together, years after separation?
Do you have any family or friends?

Right now you need to detach.
Google 'grey rock technique' and practice this!

Stop doing anything for him.
No washing, cooking, ironing, shopping, tidying, nothing at all.
I'm guessing he has the best of both worlds right now.
Time for that to stop.

Please reach out to Womens Aid.
Anything must be better than this.
Get an exit plan in place - they can help you with that.

How many DC do you have?

[1235kbm]

Have you had any advice regarding this OP? Legal advice?

Contact 101 and get advice on his threatening and abusive behaviour. Keep a copy of all text messages and any phone messages. Start a diary of his abuse: Date/Event/How it affected you/Witnesses-Evidence.

Contact Rights of Women or FLOWS regarding the house and what you can do there.

Contact Shelter for housing advice.

Get in contact with you local Domestic Abuse Organisation for advice and support.