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Seem to have lost a large group of friends after a fall out with 1?

(51 Posts)
PopandFizz Wed 24-Jun-20 00:55:03

Hi All,

I had a very large group of friends who I would see on a regular basis, we had a big group chat, we slept over at each others We would see each other at least once a month, usually more. We have been through so much together. They all came to my hen do and wedding last year.

One of the group has fallen out with me. It was a long time coming and I had tried to withdraw from her slightly (we were very close friends) over the last year or so so we could remain friends but shes an all or nothing type! When I got pregnant instantly after my wedding when she had been trying for years was apparently the last straw as I should have warned her I was trying (absolutely noone knew) and she hasnt replied to me since apart from to send me a message when I was 36weeks listing what a horrible person I am and why. I should add I told her privately and sensitively and didnt even announce it on fb etc so.she wouldnt have to see it.

Anyway, her aside. The whole group now appears to not be interested in being my friend aside from 1 who I was very close to but this year felt she couldn't invite me to some life events as the other friend would be there.
I just feel devastated, I love these girls and they just dont seem to care. When I strike up conversations its stilted and awkward, some just completely ignore if I comment on their posts etc on fb. I have had a very tough time with my baby needing multiple surgeries but only 1 has reached out although they all know.

I have thought about sending them all a message just saying I miss them or inviting them somewhere post lockdown but I'm a bit scared of the rejection. I dont know what they have been told about the fall out but know its typical of the girl to twist stories to her angle. I dont want them to feel it's an either or situation.

I have about 4 friends separate to this group but I just feel so lonely without them. I dont really know what I'm asking. What should I do?

I'd like to add there is ZERO chance of repairing my friendship with this other girl so please dont suggest that.

OP’s posts: |
AllsortsofAwkward Wed 24-Jun-20 01:06:36

They all sound like bitches op do you really want people like that in you're life.

PopandFizz Wed 24-Jun-20 01:09:15

@AllsortsofAwkward i see that and i wonder about that too. I'm not sure if part of me wants to give them a chance to prove themselves.

OP’s posts: |
SquarePeggyLeggy Wed 24-Jun-20 01:09:24

They don’t sound very nice at all. I found having a very sick baby really sorted out who cared and who didn’t very quickly! Hope your little one is ok, and I would let them come to you and if they don’t, you have an answer.

Gutterton Wed 24-Jun-20 01:20:04

I am really sorry that your baby has endured so much - that must be v difficult to cope with.

She is a nasty piece of work who no doubt has run a histrionic smear campaign on you with the group. The rest are cowards because they know if they step out of line they will be next. I would concentrate on the one that has come forward to support you. You could speak with her to gauge what was said but you don’t want to pressurise her either.

What went on that “it was a long time coming”?

chickadeedeedee Wed 24-Jun-20 02:24:21

I went through something similar and it's awful,

These people are not your friends.

Hang on though, you will meet lots of new people through your baby groups etc. And you will probably end up with a nicer circle of people around you,

Keep your head held high, and carry on. Don't send any messages.
Good luck.

HypatiaCade Wed 24-Jun-20 02:55:31

They're idiots, the lot of them. What will happen when they get to the stage of having DC? Will she cut them off too?

They are fairweather friends. Everything is fun while it's fun. But as soon as it's not fun, bye bye.

ChakaDakotaRegina Wed 24-Jun-20 03:56:15

Don’t try to get back in with them. Its needy and it’s just delaying the inevitable. In the long term you’ll be glad you put the effort into finding new friends.

I’m always amazed by what assholes get away with and what bystanders go along with if it’s not happening to them. The group had a chance to tell her she was out of line with the baby comments. They had a chance to say they weren’t getting involved in what she said behind your back. They had a chance to support you when your baby was very sick. I think lack of respect is like ‘the ink’ or irritation - it’s very hard to get past.

Try to do some Separate meet ups with the other friend but only if you can avoid asking about the rest of the group.

needhandhold Wed 24-Jun-20 06:15:18

Focus on the one who has stuck by you. Message her and say how devastated you are. Tell her what’s happened. Don’t make it too long. Tell her that this girl messaged you when you were 36 weeks and had deliberately cut you out and you’d appreciate knowing what this girl has told everybody. Tell how much you miss her and really want to stay in her life. What have you got to lose? When you’ve done that, tell us what she replies and we can then work out if it’s worth messaging the others. I’m thinking it’s worth contacting the others individually. Ask the one who has stuck by you. What an awful situation to be in

Fizzysours Wed 24-Jun-20 06:39:58

They were not there for youwhen your baby had surgeries? Just reading that makes me want to cry. They are not caring people. Stick to your other 4 friends. New, kinder friends will come along. These women are truely dreadful.

Nicolastuffedone Wed 24-Jun-20 06:49:28

Personally, I’d walk away with my dignity intact. I wouldn’t message to tell anyone how ‘devastated’ you are....really? Devastated?? They were happy to allow you to be bullied..... adult women behaving like that?? I wouldn’t want to be part of any group who treated someone like that!

Ihavenoidewhatsgoingon Wed 24-Jun-20 07:13:34

I had that happen to me and it hurts.

The ring leader twisted everything and made it clear they had to be friends with her or were out of the group

I walked away without burning any bridges etc and made new friends and some of the one have reached out and we are friends as they saw the pattern from the ring leader. They have also distanced themselves from her.

Some people are toxic and you are better in the long run without them.

lifestooshort123 Wed 24-Jun-20 07:39:57

I'm sorry about your darling baby, what a worry for you. This friend sounds nasty and you're well rid of her but personally I'd want to know what she said that poisoned the pool before I moved on. It would niggle away at me otherwise and I'd need to know the facts to confirm why the others have ditched me. Ask the one remaining friend what happened and what was said and then lay it all to rest and move on. With a baby you'll have a new group to choose from at baby groups etc. Good luck x

JustC Wed 24-Jun-20 07:40:22

OP, they sound like immature twats. Stick to whoever was there for you in your diff times.

PopandFizz Wed 24-Jun-20 11:14:36

Thanks everyone for your supportive comments.

@Gutterton the long time coming was just the way she picked at everything and trivial small disagreements that she would blow out of proportion.

The 1 supportive friend I have mentioned is actually the best friend of this other girl. She knew a message had been sent but not what it contained and basically said when it first happened that she wanted to be friends but didnt want to be stuck in the middle. I said we wouldnt discuss that girl at all going forwards and I saw our friendship separately to that. So shes not likely to spill any information.

I think you are right ladies, I need to just let it go. I had thought I would get lots of mummy friends during mat leave but obviously lockdown has put a stop to that.

I sound like my nan here but I'm just so disappointed in them as people and its tarnished my fun memories of half my twenties!

OP’s posts: |
Gutterton Wed 24-Jun-20 11:30:43

Don’t internalise the spite of one nasty random person to redefine the reality.

You had a marvellous time and have loads of happy memories - these are real, vibrant and valid. Hold on to these. They are important for your self esteem and reconnecting with other members of the group one to one maybe in time.

Remember that this was a great chapter in your life. One toxic individual has brought that to a premature / unpleasant end - but it doesn’t mean what was before is tarnished.

The here and now and your future is different now you have a child, enjoy these precious and also finite golden moments - you will develop new friendships over the years but the most important thing is to swerve the nasties as you have done and surround yourself with kind, respectful, joyful people.

Gutterton Wed 24-Jun-20 11:39:10

Be careful with the best friend of the nasty one. Great that you have boundaries not to talk about her - but be cautious.

CottonSock Wed 24-Jun-20 11:45:13

They sound horrible.
Just to encourage you that I'm still making new great friends now in my 40s and through my kids.

Brieminewine Wed 24-Jun-20 11:50:05

I think you should just set away with your head held high. They’ve obviously chosen this other girls friendship over yours. They haven’t even reached out when they knew you had a sick baby, what kind of friends would do that? A couple of good friends are worth a hell of a lot more than a group of bitches!

LouHotel Wed 24-Jun-20 11:58:40

Are you the first in the friendship group to have a baby, because you tend to naturally lose some friendships because of that.

They are awful people for not contacting you when your baby was poorly. I honestly wouldn’t feed into the drama as any message you send them can be manipulated, they’ve shown you who they really are believe them. If you need to get it off your chest then write a letter/email to yourself getting your true feelings out for how they’ve treated you.

Invest in the friendships that have stood by you and I would be cautious of this best friends of hers whose remaining in contact, seems very odd she’s the one still talking to you.

ittakes2 Wed 24-Jun-20 12:03:13

I would write a list of their names and highlight who you think might be sympathetic to you - call them and ask their advice on what they think went wrong and ask their opinion on what to do. It’s s good way to get others to see your side and make allies - some may stay friends with you. But under no circumstances message a group of them - you will look like a nutter.

Silversurfie Wed 24-Jun-20 12:05:00

This smacks of school playground behaviour. These are petty, small minded, nasty people and not worth grieving over. Let them go - it will make space for new, kinder friends to come along.

Apple1029 Wed 24-Jun-20 12:31:12

They are not friends op. Not one of them decided to find out what really happened and then decide for themselves. They just followed along like sheep. That's not the type of women you want to count as friends. Just leave them to it. Their type usually turn on each other in time.

GilbertMarkham Wed 24-Jun-20 12:41:27

You don't want unquestioning sheep with poor integrity for friends.

They've picked the side they think everyone else was going for, self interest pure and simple.

Gutterton Wed 24-Jun-20 12:43:00

Agree with Apple the sooner you distance and detach the sooner they will not have any fuel to focus the toxicity on you. The toxicity then has to go somewhere else and she will start sniffing around for the next scapegoat in the group.....this is how these toxic dynamics progress - you rarely see big the same big group of women hanging out and socialising like that in their 30/40s if there is a toxic toad amongst them. It’s the beginning of the end for that group - you were the first scapegoat. The others have just fallen in behind her for their own self preservation.

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