Sat here in tears after a row with dp so please be gentle.
Been with him for over 6 years. I have 2 children from a previous relationship. 1 who has had a terrible past 2 years of behavioural/MH issues. Kids are teenagers and both of them adore him, DC2 in particular. Dp has stuck by my side through out the turbulent time with DC2 problems, he has been to parenting course with me, school meetings, hospital appointments. I can not fault him. He has been through so much with me and we have come through the other side.
We were watching a DIY programme this evening and I was saying to him that the house on the show was exactly how I wanted my house to look. I am in the process of buying a house but it needs work doing on it.
I am not even sure how the row started but I asked if we were ever going to live together. This has been a bone of contention for a while. He always has a reason why we can't. Some of those reasons have been legitimate but as I find a solution to the reasons, he finds another problem why we can't live together. Now he has come up with one that seems insurmountable.
I have come to the conclusion that he either thinks I am after his money (I am not......im the most unmaterialistic person and I am very independent financially hence buying my own house) or that I am just not worth it. The latter feeling is further fuelled by the fact that he had 2 ex's who were really vile to him, controlling him etc. who he proposed to and lived with. I have always been really mindful of their treatment towards him and tried to be fair and respectful in our relationship because I know how much hurt they caused him. People have said he obviously has commitment issues, but to me but it seems to me like he didn't in the past. He only has a problem committing to me and our future. The previous relationships were much shorter than ours.
When we were arguing he offered no solutions. He said he was frustrated about us not living together but wouldn't say why.....he just gave very general answers that didn't really answer the question. If he told me he wanted us to buy somewhere together I would happily consider that option. I feel like I am always the one making the compromise on what I want from our relationship and he gets to carry on the way things are because he likes it that way. He has a family when he wants one and can escape back to his flat when he wants to be a singleton. I don't think his family like me much either. They all live in close proximity of one another and if he were to move over this way I think they think they'd lose him.
Amidst the row I said i didn't think there were many people who would stick around this long with no end in sight of us living together so he said most men wouldn't have stuck around with my daughters problems. That really hurt when he said that because I have sung her praises from dawn to dusk on how brilliant he has been. He then said he is the one making all the effort because he comes to my house every evening........he comes for tea and then goes to work which is 5 minutes around the corner from my house. (In comparison he lives over 10 miles away so has to come this way to get to work) I told him if it was such an effort not to bother coming any more. I thought he was coming because it's pretty much the only time we get to spend as a family.
I am tired of having the same argument with him over and over again. I don't see that there is any solution. I have tried to find one. I can't. I feel like it shouldn't be this hard and I shouldn't have to fight to get what is fundamentally a normal milestone in most relationship. He's said it himself that he is frustrated that we don't live together yet won't do anything to facilitate that happening. People constantly ask me are you living together? has he proposed yet? and every time i get asked I joke and say I will walk down the aisle gray. It really hurts.
I love him a lot. I know he loves me and the kids, but I am not sure if that is enough. I don't think he wants any more from the relationship, I don't think we want the same things, even though I have been clear from the outset with what I want and he made out he wanted the same things. It really really hurts. I don't think I can do it any more. What's the point? I am hurting so much right now. He took his things for work and stormed out the house slamming the door behind him. I am just at a total loss of what to do- well I think I know what I need to do but I am devastated. I feel like if any change comes now its because he has been backed into a corner and nagged into submission rather than he wants it......can't see how a relationship can last on that.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Am I a mug?
CustardOwl · 23/06/2020 23:20
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