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Am I a mug?

(36 Posts)
CustardOwl Tue 23-Jun-20 23:20:41

Sat here in tears after a row with dp so please be gentle.

Been with him for over 6 years. I have 2 children from a previous relationship. 1 who has had a terrible past 2 years of behavioural/MH issues. Kids are teenagers and both of them adore him, DC2 in particular. Dp has stuck by my side through out the turbulent time with DC2 problems, he has been to parenting course with me, school meetings, hospital appointments. I can not fault him. He has been through so much with me and we have come through the other side.
We were watching a DIY programme this evening and I was saying to him that the house on the show was exactly how I wanted my house to look. I am in the process of buying a house but it needs work doing on it.
I am not even sure how the row started but I asked if we were ever going to live together. This has been a bone of contention for a while. He always has a reason why we can't. Some of those reasons have been legitimate but as I find a solution to the reasons, he finds another problem why we can't live together. Now he has come up with one that seems insurmountable.
I have come to the conclusion that he either thinks I am after his money (I am the most unmaterialistic person and I am very independent financially hence buying my own house) or that I am just not worth it. The latter feeling is further fuelled by the fact that he had 2 ex's who were really vile to him, controlling him etc. who he proposed to and lived with. I have always been really mindful of their treatment towards him and tried to be fair and respectful in our relationship because I know how much hurt they caused him. People have said he obviously has commitment issues, but to me but it seems to me like he didn't in the past. He only has a problem committing to me and our future. The previous relationships were much shorter than ours.

When we were arguing he offered no solutions. He said he was frustrated about us not living together but wouldn't say why.....he just gave very general answers that didn't really answer the question. If he told me he wanted us to buy somewhere together I would happily consider that option. I feel like I am always the one making the compromise on what I want from our relationship and he gets to carry on the way things are because he likes it that way. He has a family when he wants one and can escape back to his flat when he wants to be a singleton. I don't think his family like me much either. They all live in close proximity of one another and if he were to move over this way I think they think they'd lose him.
Amidst the row I said i didn't think there were many people who would stick around this long with no end in sight of us living together so he said most men wouldn't have stuck around with my daughters problems. That really hurt when he said that because I have sung her praises from dawn to dusk on how brilliant he has been. He then said he is the one making all the effort because he comes to my house every evening........he comes for tea and then goes to work which is 5 minutes around the corner from my house. (In comparison he lives over 10 miles away so has to come this way to get to work) I told him if it was such an effort not to bother coming any more. I thought he was coming because it's pretty much the only time we get to spend as a family.

I am tired of having the same argument with him over and over again. I don't see that there is any solution. I have tried to find one. I can't. I feel like it shouldn't be this hard and I shouldn't have to fight to get what is fundamentally a normal milestone in most relationship. He's said it himself that he is frustrated that we don't live together yet won't do anything to facilitate that happening. People constantly ask me are you living together? has he proposed yet? and every time i get asked I joke and say I will walk down the aisle gray. It really hurts.

I love him a lot. I know he loves me and the kids, but I am not sure if that is enough. I don't think he wants any more from the relationship, I don't think we want the same things, even though I have been clear from the outset with what I want and he made out he wanted the same things. It really really hurts. I don't think I can do it any more. What's the point? I am hurting so much right now. He took his things for work and stormed out the house slamming the door behind him. I am just at a total loss of what to do- well I think I know what I need to do but I am devastated. I feel like if any change comes now its because he has been backed into a corner and nagged into submission rather than he wants it......can't see how a relationship can last on that.

OP’s posts: |
ShalomToYouJackie Tue 23-Jun-20 23:28:03

I was reading this and understanding both sides until you mentioned the comment he made about your daughter. That was really unkind of him.

I know you said he is great with yout DC but do you think perhaps he doesn't actually want to live with them?

You both clearly want different things from the relationship and I'd definitely be expecting to have moved in together after 6 years. This must be rubbish for you.

It might be that he is hesitant to commit after the way the last 2 relationships ended but I wouldn't be able to forgive him for what he said about your DD

Carlottacoffee Tue 23-Jun-20 23:33:49

The daughter comment would have thrown me too. It’s like he is doing you a favour.

He doesn’t want to live with or give you that commitment as he would have done it before now.

CustardOwl Tue 23-Jun-20 23:38:46

he's made the comment about my daughter before. That really hurts because I have made it clear how grateful I am to him for it. I said you can't throw that in my face every time we have an argument. He said "but its ok for you to throw my ex's in my face/say about most people wouldn't stay 6 years without living together" I am just at a loss. its shit. We had had such a nice evening too. We went for a nice walk together and chatted. It's my fault I guess for bringing it up because he never wants to talk about it but I am sick of the carrot being dangled.

OP’s posts: |
Fidgety31 Tue 23-Jun-20 23:41:32

Maybe he would like to live with you, but wouldn’t be able to, or wouldn’t want to cope with your daughter and all her problems all of the time.
Bottom line is you both want different things from this relationship and it sounds like you are the one who is missing out in what you want.

CustardOwl Tue 23-Jun-20 23:45:50

I always have a plan b in the back of my mind with where my life is going........because I know there's a chance he wont be part of it. Not that we won't be together, just that I will have to achieve those things alone. He got annoyed with my when I told him that.

He has a really well paid job and works with men who have been there 30/40 years. He gets frustrated that they have lovely big 5 bed houses and have paid of their mortgages and can go on multiple tropical holidays a year. I pointed out that he gets the same pay as them, they just choose to spend it differently and prioritise different things.

OP’s posts: |
Fidgety31 Tue 23-Jun-20 23:50:08

From what you mention about his envy of money and possessions - maybe he is reluctant to share his money with you and your kids ?

HellonHeels Wed 24-Jun-20 00:03:14

He probavly doesn't want to live full time with your DC and likes having a escape pod when he's had enough.

What's he spending his money on?

CustardOwl Wed 24-Jun-20 00:03:21

I asked him earlier if he thought I was some kind of gold digger and he said no. Not sure i believe him though. I have always worked and paid my way and I work full time. I was quite young when I had my kids so I have always been really worried about people having that perception of me. I have always made sure I can pay my own way.

I genuinely don't want his money, I am happy paying my own way. Don't get me wrong, he is good to us, he buys the kids nice Christmas and birthday prezzies, and get me nice things but I am not bothered by having those things. He is very materialistic so perhaps he is projecting his own views on to me.

OP’s posts: |
CustardOwl Wed 24-Jun-20 00:07:30


He probavly doesn't want to live full time with your DC and likes having a escape pod when he's had enough.

What's he spending his money on?

he saves quite a lot and spends the rest on clothes. We used to eat out quite a bit before lock down, but then again we would go halves on that. He has a fairly nice car. He like gadgets.

I guess why would you want to change when you have the penny and the bun.

OP’s posts: |
Opentooffers Wed 24-Jun-20 00:33:10

In answer to your question, after 6years you'd be a mug to think that the dynamics will change, so knowing that it's up to you what you do. Instigate change - that's not by making him change, he's had enough chance.

NoMoreDickheads Wed 24-Jun-20 00:48:40

I think most women would feel the same if they wanted the progression of a relationship.

It's my fault I guess for bringing it up because he never wants to talk about it

There's nothing wrong with bringing up something that you're not happy with. Of course he never feels the need to talk about it, as it seems (based on his actions) that he's happy with the status quo.

Bringing your daughter up is really nasty.

You want a progression of the relationship - for it to go somewhere, and it's fine for you to say that.

If he isn't prepared to do that or doesn't want to, then he's wasting your time.

Apileofballyhoo Wed 24-Jun-20 02:39:36

Does he rent or own his home?

litterbird Wed 24-Jun-20 03:24:15

I am sorry to hear this. He loves the relationship but is very hesitant to move in due to the children. Are they old enough soon for uni or independent living? He sees the status quo as working for him as you have accepted it for so long. This won’t change. He enjoys escaping the stress of raising kids, it’s difficult being the parent let alone the step parent. If it doesn’t suit you you will have to make your plan B come into effect. Or just accept the relationship as it is. He is committed to you but in a different way. Not every relationship has to follow societies norms to work. It’s up to you.

BinkyandBunty Wed 24-Jun-20 03:24:21

A few people have mentioned his possible reluctance to live with your children, and you haven't responded to that.

I love my boyfriend to bits and want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I don't want to live his teenagers. They're nice enough, but they're teenagers! Likewise, I wouldn't inflict my teenagers on him or anyone else. We're so close to the end of the childrearing years then we can be together, none of the complexity and stress of having the kids around, just us - well worth waiting for IMO.

Maybe your man feels the same. He may be reluctant to say so, as it could come across that he doesn't like or accept your kids.

rvby Wed 24-Jun-20 04:22:44

From what you've written, honestly it sounds like the actual impediment is he doesn't want to live with your kids.

He's allowed not to want that. Clearly he doesnt feel he can tell you that. But the truth is popping out of his mouth when hes angry, when he mentions your dd troubles.

I think you're going to have to just leave it really. Either accept he doesn't want to live together, or let him go. I know you were upfront about what you wanted, but he may very well have thought he might learn to cope with your Dd. And then he didn't, and I'm sure he feels terrible about it. He probably really loves you and doesn't want to hurt you, but just can't live with your dd.

Children are very hard to live with when they aren't your own. The exceptions to that are uncommon. I can understand why he would not want to.

JustC Wed 24-Jun-20 08:03:24

Up until the comment about your daughter, I was trying to get his side as well. And then you say he's nae comments like that before. Like he's doing you a favour for that. Sorry, as much as it might hurt you, I think you need to end it. He's not some hero for accepting you have a child with issues. He's either in our out, and when you're in tou support that partner with what their child is going through without thinking you're doing them a favour.

category12 Wed 24-Jun-20 08:13:27

He comes up with reasons not to live together, and you knock them down, and he comes up with more. Haven't you figured out the underlying reason is he doesn't want to?

He says he does because he knows it's what you want to hear and is worried it'll end the relationship otherwise.

Could you be happy as things are, if you accepted living together was never going to happen? Or is it a dealbreaker?

PicsInRed Wed 24-Jun-20 08:34:36

he had 2 ex's who were really vile to him, controlling him etc. who he proposed to and lived with. I have always been really mindful of their treatment towards him and tried to be fair and respectful in our relationship because I know how much hurt they caused him.

Yeah, says him.

Wonder what the ex's would say? 🤔

Shinebright72 Wed 24-Jun-20 08:40:13

How often do you see him OPoverall in the 6 years you have been together?. Does he stay over much m?

Ispywithmycynicaleye Wed 24-Jun-20 09:09:11

Could've written your post word for word. Including the DD troubles which were huge. Only difference is DP, after much leaning on him, did move in.

He does resent all the nice experiences that DD ruined, he would never tell her that though. But it does come out in arguments with me.

He does try really hard, always goes above and beyond for both DC but he never truly feels comfortable. He would love his own little flat to escape to, he has told me that.

I do believe he loves you, likes your DC, but he clearly struggles with the idea of being a step parent full time. He may be waiting for your DC to be at an age where they can move out.

It is an incredibly difficult relationship living like that, often alot of tension, so you need to decide if that hanging over your heads is worth it.

achillesratty Wed 24-Jun-20 09:44:20

My partner's teenager is a typical teenager, we get on and there are no problems but I have absolutely no desire to move in with them.

I could not go back to sharing a house with a teenager, it doesn't mean I love my partner any less or our relationship is any less solid.

Not wanting the full time responsibility of step parenting two teenagers doesn't make him a bad person or means he loves you any less. My children are late 20's and early 30's so I don't want to go through the teenager angst, exams, love life break ups etc that comes with children that age again.

If living together is a deal breaker end the relationship.

Needtogetbackinthesack Wed 24-Jun-20 09:59:56

I can totally see both sides of this.

I was married for a whole year before moving in with my husband, it was 48 hours before our first baby was due. Never lived with anyone before. Left him and live alone with the kids. Have recently met someone who I really see being in my life for a long time but he also has a 6yo, mine are now 3&5, and the thought of all of us living together fills me with dread. We both rent houses and would both like to buy in the next few years - but not together. I also wouldn't be able to cope with a child who has MH/behavioural issues on a full time basis. I find parenting by myself really, really hard Sometimes and I'm only just getting to the point where I am enjoying life with them, I don't want to take on any more kids never mind ones who have additional needs right now and I'd rather be honest about that upfront.

As someone else said, not all relationships have to conform to societal norms. I'm looking forward to a long and committed relationship with my new man, from separate houses for at least the next 6 years, probably a lot longer. When kids are out of the picture then I'd love to live with him.

But I can also see why you'd think he wasn't committing if moving in together is what you want

For me personally living together isn't the only way to be happy so I guess you need to decide whether it's Make or break for you.

CustardOwl Wed 24-Jun-20 10:29:05


Does he rent or own his home?

he rents his flat.

OP’s posts: |
Apileofballyhoo Wed 24-Jun-20 10:47:41

He's living a bachelor life free from responsibility. He doesn't seem to want to be a home owner. I'd be wary of sharing my finances with him.

It's up to you to do what you're happy with. Can you live with things the way they are? To continue on into old age you in your house and him in his rented flat? If you aren't happy with that idea, I'd cut your losses now.

If you are happy with that, the only thing I'd be wary of is him suddenly finding he does want to get married and have children, just not with you.

You haven't mentioned your ages.

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