I met my boyfriend 10 months ago. I'm 36, he's 43. It was instant attraction and fell in love quickly - we exchanged 'I love you' in three months. He seemed very, very into me - there was no doubt how he felt, it was very passionate. He isn't the most laid back person, and we have completely different political values, so we have debated and argued at times. Some of these arguments have been quite heated, as he is not one to back down, and is quite impulsive and reactionary. But overall he was very affectionate, generous and wanted to spend a lot of time with me.
Things felt very good until lockdown when we spent a week or so together and he did not have a good reaction to that. He emphasised that he needed time to himself. I also understood that we both did not react well to working from home, and all the stresses to do with lockdown. So I moved back home (I live alone). Since then, things have not been great - we argue a lot more. The sex has totally dried up, although we are affectionate in other ways. We see each other once a week, and talk on the phone several times a day.
Another thing that is starting to bug me is how we aren't really making plans for the future - for example, a holiday, or anything. The arguments came to a head, and we nearly split up. He said he clearly isn't making me happy, and he isn't sure about me and he never was! This was quite the surprise for me given how much he pursued me in the beginning. He then explained he isn't keen on my body, that I am not slim or toned enough for him. I am a size 10-12! Even his friends asked what a hottie like me was doing with someone like him. He is into fitness and has a gym at home.
I used to be super lean and slim as I used to go to the gym regularly, but I stopped in the past year or so. Also, he has form for dumping women for physical attributes which I noticed could have something to do with him having an avoidant attachment style.
Anyway I calmly explained to him my body was perfectly fine and walked away. He came running back - and said he didn't know what he was doing, gave me flowers, chocolates etc. Fast forward a few weeks, and I just feel like we're still distant, not having sex, not making plans for the future. I spoke to him again, he says he feels like he just can't make me happy, I am moaning all the time etc.
I do love him, find him attractive and initially thought this is someone I could really see myself with - the first guy ever. He is sorted professionally, financially etc and seemed to have his head screwed on. He does not want to break up, but I am not sure how I can continue with someone who isn't sure about me, particularly at this time in my life. I want a husband, a family. He knows this, as it's one of the first things I mentioned to him early on. He has only ever had one long term relationship, with a woman who was morbidly obese and he ended their engagement because he couldn't handle her weight.
Just wanted some outsider thoughts on this situation please. Thank you 
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
He’s not sure about me
Nuggets567 · 23/06/2020 21:38
He's abusing you, got you a relationship, now he thinks he can say whatever he wants and you won't walk away, don't let him have this power over you. It's not your body as he was clearly attracted to you in the first place and you've only been together 10 months.
However much you love someone don't let them them abuse you like this, it's not going to get any better and he knows not making future plans is hurting you, any decent man who is no longer interested would end it but your one is just tormenting you, have the last day and get out. 
If someone said I was not 'slim or toned enough' I would show them the door.
Why are you with someone who sounds utterly shallow ?
Get rid, you sound desperate to make this work when he has treated you with utter contempt.
My DH is fit, healthy weight, loves exercising etc - I am size 18 and loathe exercise 
, he has never commented unkindly on my appearance in all our years together.
Thanks all I know what I have to do. It’s just so hard though and I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I feel like time is running out and I genuinely thought he could be it.
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.