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He’s not sure about me

(33 Posts)
Nuggets567 Tue 23-Jun-20 21:38:55

I met my boyfriend 10 months ago. I'm 36, he's 43. It was instant attraction and fell in love quickly - we exchanged 'I love you' in three months. He seemed very, very into me - there was no doubt how he felt, it was very passionate. He isn't the most laid back person, and we have completely different political values, so we have debated and argued at times. Some of these arguments have been quite heated, as he is not one to back down, and is quite impulsive and reactionary. But overall he was very affectionate, generous and wanted to spend a lot of time with me.

Things felt very good until lockdown when we spent a week or so together and he did not have a good reaction to that. He emphasised that he needed time to himself. I also understood that we both did not react well to working from home, and all the stresses to do with lockdown. So I moved back home (I live alone). Since then, things have not been great - we argue a lot more. The sex has totally dried up, although we are affectionate in other ways. We see each other once a week, and talk on the phone several times a day.

Another thing that is starting to bug me is how we aren't really making plans for the future - for example, a holiday, or anything. The arguments came to a head, and we nearly split up. He said he clearly isn't making me happy, and he isn't sure about me and he never was! This was quite the surprise for me given how much he pursued me in the beginning. He then explained he isn't keen on my body, that I am not slim or toned enough for him. I am a size 10-12! Even his friends asked what a hottie like me was doing with someone like him. He is into fitness and has a gym at home.

I used to be super lean and slim as I used to go to the gym regularly, but I stopped in the past year or so. Also, he has form for dumping women for physical attributes which I noticed could have something to do with him having an avoidant attachment style.

Anyway I calmly explained to him my body was perfectly fine and walked away. He came running back - and said he didn't know what he was doing, gave me flowers, chocolates etc. Fast forward a few weeks, and I just feel like we're still distant, not having sex, not making plans for the future. I spoke to him again, he says he feels like he just can't make me happy, I am moaning all the time etc.

I do love him, find him attractive and initially thought this is someone I could really see myself with - the first guy ever. He is sorted professionally, financially etc and seemed to have his head screwed on. He does not want to break up, but I am not sure how I can continue with someone who isn't sure about me, particularly at this time in my life. I want a husband, a family. He knows this, as it's one of the first things I mentioned to him early on. He has only ever had one long term relationship, with a woman who was morbidly obese and he ended their engagement because he couldn't handle her weight.

Just wanted some outsider thoughts on this situation please. Thank you flowers

OP’s posts: |
MulticolourMophead Tue 23-Jun-20 22:02:15

He's messing you about. He has his own issues that he seems to be projecting onto you. Block and move on.

Crystalspider Tue 23-Jun-20 22:25:09

He's abusing you, got you a relationship, now he thinks he can say whatever he wants and you won't walk away, don't let him have this power over you. It's not your body as he was clearly attracted to you in the first place and you've only been together 10 months.

However much you love someone don't let them them abuse you like this, it's not going to get any better and he knows not making future plans is hurting you, any decent man who is no longer interested would end it but your one is just tormenting you, have the last day and get out. thanks

litterbird Tue 23-Jun-20 22:26:02

So sorry, he’s just not that into you anymore. Probably it was to much at the beginning. Lots of love bombing and intense feelings. These types of relationships have a tendency to burn out fairly quickly. It is what it is I am afraid. Even if lockdown didn’t happen he would have drifted off eventually. I would quietly move on as he clearly is blowing hot and cold. That will mess with your mental health and anxiety levels.

Crystalspider Tue 23-Jun-20 22:26:38

* last say

Dollyrocket Tue 23-Jun-20 22:28:33

Urgh this guy is clearly wasting your time.

ballsdeep Tue 23-Jun-20 22:29:40

He's a cock. This is going to end in tears. Don't tie yourself to him anymore

kingkuta Tue 23-Jun-20 22:30:04

God it sounds exhausting and he sounds like a nasty little twat . Please dont waste any more of your time on him.

bitheby Tue 23-Jun-20 22:30:16

Just leave. Run very fast. He isn't sure about you and is criticising you?

I have been with someone like this for 3 years. I don't think it will get better. I wish I'd gone the first time I felt like you.

BumbleBeee69 Tue 23-Jun-20 22:30:31

He's trying to 'train' you.. ditch this prick flowers

Ragwort Tue 23-Jun-20 22:31:54

If someone said I was not 'slim or toned enough' I would show them the door.
Why are you with someone who sounds utterly shallow ?
Get rid, you sound desperate to make this work when he has treated you with utter contempt.
My DH is fit, healthy weight, loves exercising etc - I am size 18 and loathe exercise grin, he has never commented unkindly on my appearance in all our years together.

category12 Tue 23-Jun-20 22:34:42

He love-bombed you at the beginning, and now it's the crappy push-pull treatment.

Dump him properly. How he was in the beginning wasn't genuine - or at least wasn't based on much, it was shallow and he was only interested in "getting you". Now he's got you, he wants to tear you down.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor Tue 23-Jun-20 22:44:31

He said he isn't sure about you and never was

What more do you need to know! Ditch this cuntface and never look back

BubbleBoop Tue 23-Jun-20 22:47:28

Run like the wind! Red flags abound here I’m afraid. You can do much better!

Nuggets567 Tue 23-Jun-20 22:55:24

Thanks all flowers I know what I have to do. It’s just so hard though and I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I feel like time is running out and I genuinely thought he could be it.

OP’s posts: |
category12 Tue 23-Jun-20 23:01:13

Oh god no, don't let your fear of the biological clock make you settle for this guy. You still have time - this guy could prat you about for years with false starts and hot & cold rubbish. You haven't got time to waste on him.

Lampan Tue 23-Jun-20 23:39:29

He doesn’t want you but he doesn’t want anyone else to have you either.
He also sounds like a dick. Critical of your body, plus the early love-bombing. The love-bombing should have been the first red flag - don’t trust anyone who is so sure about things (and makes it known) so early on. A normal person would have reservations, or at least the sense not to show their feelings for fear of scaring their partner away.
In time you will look back on this relationship and be glad you ended it.

BlessYourCottonSocks Tue 23-Jun-20 23:43:51

I'd be ending it.

I'd also be tempted to tell him that although he's keen on the gym, you just find he's too middle-aged for you...

Dontletitbeyou Wed 24-Jun-20 04:52:31

That whole ‘I don’t think I can make you happy ‘ is just an easy exit strategy . For whatever reason he wants to move on , but just doesn’t want to look like the bad guy . Next !

birdy124 Wed 24-Jun-20 04:57:20

He's wasting your time. run.

amusedtodeath1 Wed 24-Jun-20 05:08:37

He's either running you down so he can control you better or he's a coward and is trying to get you to dump him.

Either way he not a man who will ever make you happy.

Be strong, tell him to get fucked.

Bashfulinseduary Wed 24-Jun-20 05:12:08

I totally understand wanting a husband and family. Remember what you really want is a GOOD husband, who will be a GREAT father. Don't think this is him. It hurts, but walk away.

PAND0RA Wed 24-Jun-20 05:21:39


So sorry, he’s just not that into you anymore. Probably it was to much at the beginning. Lots of love bombing and intense feelings. These types of relationships have a tendency to burn out fairly quickly. It is what it is I am afraid. Even if lockdown didn’t happen he would have drifted off eventually. I would quietly move on as he clearly is blowing hot and cold. That will mess with your mental health and anxiety levels.

I agree with this. He’s just filling his time with you until he can find someone else.

DisobedientHamster Wed 24-Jun-20 05:38:02

FFS, he's using you as a wank sock. Wake up! There might still be time but honestly, I'd be looking at going it alone right now and not with this git. He's a total arsehole. There's no 'other side' except this guy is a twat.

Quit wasting your life on this bloke and find a sperm donor.

He's a no hoper. Ditch and move on. FFS, the sex is even shit.

Toilenstripes Wed 24-Jun-20 05:49:49

Please think better of yourself than to tolerate such an awful man. Rip off the bandaid.

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