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Emotionally abusive relationship - whats wrong with me

(9 Posts)
Huddersfieldlass Tue 23-Jun-20 09:34:13

i have been in an emotionallt abusive relationship for 9 years. Thats hard to type, feel like im starting to admit that to myself more then anyone else. My partner has minipulated me in lots of different ways. But i dont know how to find the strength to leave him i feel very trapped.
Right now the current episode is over his mother. We have a 5 month old child together. His mum interferes whenever she can in anything from.dummy usage, car seats to what he eats she has an opinion on everything. How i do anything is wrong and need to do it her way. I try to grin and bare it but its very hard at times as my partner isnt honest with me. He texted me from work yesterday telling me to start feeding our son solid food that afternoon he thinks he needs it. She never breast fed her kids so has a real problem with me doing it, has wanted me to stop for months. Anyway i said to him is this coming from you mum. He kicked off saying why bring her into basically.. it was from her and didnt come home last night and has now blocked me from contacting him. He will be at his mums. I feel like im walking on egg shells with him im not allowed to say anything, im expected to put up with all this shite he does to me. When i was heavily pregnant he kicked a hole in our stair case because i loaded dish washer incorrectly. Before we moved house 3 years ago he grabbed me by the neck and disappeared again for 10 days. I called the police to report him as missing ended up telling them what happened and they arrested him and cautioned him. But i had him back. He hasnt physically hurt me again but its volatile with him. I dont know how to stop myself from going back into this relationship. I need help. Ive rang domestic abuse helpline but its engaged can only leave a voicemail. Im scared i wont make it as a single parent and him and his mum will try to take my son off me. I just feel so alone.

OP’s posts: |
Iloveme30 Tue 23-Jun-20 09:46:07

Stop the negative self talk
Do not take this man back , he is a product of his mother ! How dare she ! Fucking bitch
Sorry but your post made me feel really angry
Your partner is very immature and disrespectful you are doing the best job you can for your little one but if you stay with him you will fail your child , let knowing that cancel out your fear . He will not change he's already had too many chances
Please be strong leave him
Leave him
Leave him leave him !!!
thanksit's them not you xx

Huddersfieldlass Tue 23-Jun-20 10:11:02

@Iloveme30 i feel like ive lost myself totally in this relationship. He is very critical of everything i do. He never compliments me, he always finds fault. I dont know how to explain it though he likes to do things for me like insists on cooking every night which i know i should feel lucky about that. But even that feels controlling he wont let me cook and gets upset if i make myself anything (not all) but most of the time. He criticises my cooking if i do do anything. If i clean or tidy in the house hes critical as per my original post. Everything has to be his way. I dont get a say. It sounds nice im sure reading this a guy cooking and cleaning, but he doesnt let me add anything to the house myself. He makes me feel useless and now the one thing iam proud of how ive looked after our baby through all this on my own. Hes started targeting that with his mum. His mum even makes shitty comments infront of my son about me. Saying daddy will teach him to cook, mummy cant. Im just finding it hard to break out of this cycle of dependency im in. He makes me feel like i cant cope without him. I cant live like this, but ive spoken to friend before not told them everything but bitesize pieces and said i want to leave they have tried to support me. But ive backed out. I just feel like they cant be arsed hearing it anymore. I just feel so alone.

OP’s posts: |
Iloveme30 Tue 23-Jun-20 10:23:39

I totally understand 🥺
There’s a difference though . I have a bit of a situation with my hubby too it’s more codependency on my part though and I can’t climb out of it so I understand your feelings of helplessness.
On the other hand the way he is treating you is awful.My hubby would never do that nor let his mother say a word against me and to be honest she wouldn’t anyway .
See he’s learned this behavior from his mother that’s why I believe there’s no chance of change with him it’s literally bred into him and will be bred into your child by them too 😳 I know it’s very hard you must try get away from this toxic situation.I bet when you do the relief of freedom will outweigh the sadness . I’ll be here to help and chat XX

SnowdropFox Sat 27-Jun-20 17:21:01

Hey op, I see you did post in the relationships board here. I'm giving this post a bump and linking your other thread so people can give you advice.

morethanafortnight Sat 27-Jun-20 17:29:17

Please don't worry, his mother cannot take your dc away from you if you were to split up with her son. Grandparents do not have the legal right to do that.

1235kbm Sat 27-Jun-20 17:32:36

Sorry to hear the DV line is engaged.

You can find your local DV organisation here. If you give them a call they should be able to help you.

What's the house situation? Do you own it or rent? Do you have money?

Aknifewith16blades Sat 27-Jun-20 17:40:17

OP you aren;t alone.

Have you tried calling Women's Aid?

You can also do the Freedom Programme and find counselling to support you and stop you going back. You've done amazingly well to realise that things are wrong, and to have gotten him cautioned last time. You can do this.

Fightingback16 Sat 27-Jun-20 18:41:46

I expect more help can be given with a bit more advice from you about your housing situation. My husband was just like yours, I could never say a bad word about his mother. He called her his mummy (he is 42) and she called him her baby boy. He used to shout and intimidate me in front of her and I’m sure she was happy I was put in my place. I posted a lot on here about my life after abuse. I left my husband last year with 2 year old after 11 year awful marriage. At the end of the day my daughter came before my needs and it almost destroyed me leaving him. I had made my mind up that she would not grow up with her mum pathetic, being shouted at and crying through her bed time routine. It’s taken a year but I’m feeling stronger everyday. The guilt was so bad I was willing to leave him all our savings and our house as payback for me ruining our marriage and being selfish. Not now though. You don’t need him, no one needs a man like that. You have a choice to say you know what I’m not happy with this. You gave it a good go now time to put yourself and baby first. I’m sure you already know he will never change and life is too short waiting.

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