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I know it's wrong so why can't I leave?

(23 Posts)
wonderwomanno Mon 22-Jun-20 20:19:45

hy am I struggling so much to leave a relationship with a man who calls me names when we argue. He calls me a fat, goofy, ugly, sweaty mess. He will make comments about my skills as a mother, what I feed children isn’t good enough etc. He made a comment on my 4 year old sons teeth to hurt me (they are perfect, he’s got a little overbite from a dummy but he’s growing out of it) He’s told me he hopes I die of cancer when I had cells on my cervix because I deserve it. He’s threatened to call social services on me And Universal Credit to tell them he chips in with some food shopping. He reminds me that I’m a Single Mum on benefits with 2 kids and nobody will want me... (when my children are those of a failed marriage to their father) I just don’t know why he has to use such personal attacks. I’m no angel, I’ve called him a c*t or t**t and stuff like that but nothing personal. I never drag his personal problems into anything as they are not ammunition. When we argue he will say vile things to me via text (we don’t live together) then in the next texts it’ll be “get over it, let’s go out for the day”... I am struggling to walk away from this clearly toxic 3 year relationship and I don’t know why. He’s so wonderful when he’s wonderful. Am I alone? What can I do? We have no children together, there is nothing keeping him here apart from us and the bond he has with my very young children. He’s been around 90% of their lives. Thank you in advance for any words of advice.

OP’s posts: |
Mrsjayy Mon 22-Jun-20 20:23:24

You deserve to be happy what are you getting out of this ? tell him to fuck off and then block him.

Elmer83 Mon 22-Jun-20 20:25:01

Please get in touch as soon as you safely can with Woman’s Aid. You are being terribly abused and you need to get away from him. It doesn’t matter if he can be “wonderful” at times...because someone wonderful and who loved you would NEVER treat you this way.
Please please please seek outside help for your own safety and well-being.
Hugs and strength to you x

couchparsnip Mon 22-Jun-20 20:32:27

Read all that back as if it was someone else and you're giving them some advice. You'd tell them to leave without a doubt.
It's much easier said than done though because he's done a number on your self confidence. He doesn't 'remind' you that no-one will want you - he lies to you about it to keep you in your place. That's why you are finding it hard to leave.

You know he's an awful person, and the times he is nice are not the real him. The horrible person that texts you, tells you he wants you to die - that's the real him.

The first thing to do is Google the 'Freedom program' and follow their advice. They will help you see how he's abusing you and how to get away.

By the way - Him chipping in with food shopping is not relevant to Universal Credit, especially if he eats with you. He's just paying for himself.

merryhouse Mon 22-Jun-20 20:32:44

A cup of tea with a piece of shit in it is not a delicious cup of tea, no matter what the tealeaves were like.

AnyFucker Mon 22-Jun-20 20:34:22

You are not doing your kids any favours subjecting them to this horror of a man

You have a choice. They do not.

Mrsjayy Mon 22-Jun-20 20:38:30

When he is nice to you it gives you good feelings so when he is a shit you remember the nice feelings and it gives you false hope a pp is right contact womens he is abusing you and your children because he can, the 1 positive is he doesn't live I your house , but he doesn't love you enough to be kind to you or your family and there is nothing you can do or say that will change him. Cut him out of you and your children's lives you all deserve the peace.

frozendaisy Mon 22-Jun-20 20:40:21

He has said he hopes you die of cancer. Please recognise this as toxic.

Guiltypleasures001 Mon 22-Jun-20 20:53:34

Hi op

Have you written about him before?
The awful cancer comment sounds familiar 💐

wonderwomanno Mon 22-Jun-20 20:58:26

Guiltypleasures001

Hi op

Have you written about him before?
The awful cancer comment sounds familiar 💐


Hi, no I haven't, I'm new to this website I just wanted to discuss my problems anonymously and thought I should give this a go.

OP’s posts: |
wonderwomanno Mon 22-Jun-20 20:59:11

AnyFucker

You are not doing your kids any favours subjecting them to this horror of a man

You have a choice. They do not.


I know, it makes me so angry at myself that I'm not stronger than I am.

OP’s posts: |
Dery Mon 22-Jun-20 21:00:11

You are being abused. It is typical for abusers to love-bomb when they are not actually behaving like complete bastards. If abusers behaved atrociously all the time no-one would stay with them. Plus, having treated their partner really appallingly, they have a lot to make up for. My partner never love bombs me. He never treats me like shit either.

But the ecstasy/agony cycle of a dysfunctional relationship can be addictive. "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood is very good on that and you may find it helpful to read that book.

It's great that you don't live together. It makes it easier to draw a line under this relationship and move on. You're going to miss the good bits and you keep hoping the good times will become permanent and that's what stopping you moving on. But you do need to move on. Because healthy functional relationships don't involve the kind of treatment you are describing and long term it will be very damaging to you and your DC to be around that. And it will always be there because at some level he thinks it's okay to treat you like that.

Good luck, OP. Onwards and upwards.

wonderwomanno Mon 22-Jun-20 21:00:33

Mrsjayy

You deserve to be happy what are you getting out of this ? tell him to fuck off and then block him.


I'm literally getting nothing out of this relationship. He's good with the kids when he's in the mood, that's about it.

OP’s posts: |
wonderwomanno Mon 22-Jun-20 21:02:47

Dery

You are being abused. It is typical for abusers to love-bomb when they are not actually behaving like complete bastards. If abusers behaved atrociously all the time no-one would stay with them. Plus, having treated their partner really appallingly, they have a lot to make up for. My partner never love bombs me. He never treats me like shit either.

But the ecstasy/agony cycle of a dysfunctional relationship can be addictive. "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood is very good on that and you may find it helpful to read that book.

It's great that you don't live together. It makes it easier to draw a line under this relationship and move on. You're going to miss the good bits and you keep hoping the good times will become permanent and that's what stopping you moving on. But you do need to move on. Because healthy functional relationships don't involve the kind of treatment you are describing and long term it will be very damaging to you and your DC to be around that. And it will always be there because at some level he thinks it's okay to treat you like that.

Good luck, OP. Onwards and upwards.


This is really helpful to read, it describes my relationship perfectly. One day he wants to marry me and the next he will say "why don't you think I want to have sex with you" and be aiming it at my body.

OP’s posts: |
AnyFucker Mon 22-Jun-20 21:09:20

Your children are learning from both of you. Awful, damaging lessons.

wonderwomanno Mon 22-Jun-20 21:12:30

AnyFucker

Your children are learning from both of you. Awful, damaging lessons.


I couldn't agree more but if it was that easy for me to do I wouldn't have written this post.

OP’s posts: |
Kittykat93 Mon 22-Jun-20 21:17:22

You have no reason to stay with this vile man. How would you feel if he spoke to your children like that one day? If he's capable of abusing you he's sure as hell capable of abusing them.

AnyFucker Mon 22-Jun-20 21:21:15

They are already in an abusive situation. Watching their mother being devalued does bad things to a child's sense of safety.

sallievp Mon 22-Jun-20 21:21:49

Don't you and more importantly your children deserve better?

category12 Mon 22-Jun-20 21:26:44

Of course it's that easy. You're trapped by nothing but your own mind.

Aknifewith16blades Mon 22-Jun-20 21:43:14

Talk to Women's Aid; do the Freedom Programme (available online).

Read 'Why does he do that?'

Tell people in your life what's going on. But you need to leave - this isn't ok, and it will be affecting your kids.

Onacleardayyoucansee Mon 22-Jun-20 23:39:26

why-does-he-do-that.pdf | DocDroid
www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Start reading.
You'll get strong.
Save yourself and your children

SandyY2K Mon 22-Jun-20 23:55:20

Do you want this relationship more than you want your children to be in a safe loving home?

The choices you make will shape their future. It's only you that can show them this isn't right. Children learn from what they see.... they are a product of their environment...make a better environment for them....surely they deserve that much.

You should not put a man before your DC like this....especially an abusive man.

It's not to late to change how this ends and create healthy chiodhood memories for them. Be their protector....be their hero. Do the right thing and get rid of him.

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