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Feeling lost trying to resolve issues

(5 Posts)
Pickle48 Mon 22-Jun-20 18:43:06

Here goes.. late 30s, been with DW for over ten years and married 7. As some background, I've become increasingly unhappy with my relationship and finally broke and sought therapy. I feel I'm making progress - as you may guess as a man who came from a background where you just bottled everything up and didnt address issues or feelings. Looking back at our relationship, we both just trundled long with no real deep intimate connection and because we got on ok, had similar backgrounds and desires then it seemed to work. The marriage has been sexless (once a year) for a long time. We've never discussed kids or whether we should have them. We don't. (I know.. please don't shout at me)

Fast forward to now and I'm not in a great place. I yearn for closeness, passion and something deeper. The problem is im struggling to break down the barrier because im not naturally good at it (I've spent years bottling it in) and secondly I have a lot of resentment. The resentment is two fold. Firstly it feels like I am having to do everything to work on the relationship. I am the one trying to talk, I'm the one organising couples counselling etc. I understand that I'm the one that wants change... so im also happy to be told by everyone that I need to step up and take the responsibility here. Secondly though, I feel I do more of my share in the relationship.. We have business interests that I manage, I do most of the cooking, a lot of the washing and also a lot of DIY as the house is being renovated. She is happier seeing friends or out.

In therapy we discuss that I need put more emotion into the relationship.. that it cant be just about practical elements. But I'm finding it so hard to fight the resentment.

Any help would be appreciated

OP’s posts: |
JustC Mon 22-Jun-20 19:01:56

If you are still attracted yo her and still have feelings, I would discuss exactly how you feel with her. Yes, including that you feel resentful and why. Not confrontational, just talk. It does take two to tango.
BUT, honestly it sounds more like the feelings are not there anymore, at least for you. That you just trundle along as you said. In that case you should decide if you really want to work at this, or end it and continue to work on yourself for yourself.

Lozzerbmc Mon 22-Jun-20 19:02:41

Hi have you talked much about it and does she see it as your issue rather than a joint one? Do you think your relationship has simply run its course?

Aquamarine1029 Mon 22-Jun-20 19:09:27

Get a solicitor and get out I this marriage. Neither one of you is happy, and the answers to all your questions simply don't matter because they won't change anything. You and your wife are not compatible, end of. There's no communication, there's no sex, there's no intimacy, there's nothing there to save. All the counselling in the world can't revive a corpse of a marriage. Now you're consumed with resentment. Is this really how you want to live?

Thankfully, you don't have children so divorcing will be that much easier. End it with dignity and be as amicable as possible with your wife. Much happier days lie ahead.

Pickle48 Tue 23-Jun-20 10:33:28

At the moment the feelings have definitely waned. I still love her, I respect her but there is no deep down burning passion. I agree maybe I'm trying to rekindle something that wasnt there in the first place (or there but not in massive amounts)

I guess there is more to this as sometimes I also struggle as I feel a bit inadequate i guess. She can be quite aggressive in arguments, uses sarcasm when shes not happy that I havent done something and can be critical if i do something not as good as she expected. I thought I was making progress trying to be more vocal and say how I felt when she did something that upset me. But now I've been told that I'm being rude and disrespectful.

I think she sees it as my problems alone. I'm the one that cant cope anymore.. I'm the unhappy one. I suggested counselling and she agreed.. but again it's going to be for me to arrange and find someone who we can work with.

OP’s posts: |

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