People who have traumatic and abusive childhoods, is going on to have abusive relationships inevitable. I'm beginning to worry it is and I wondered what everyone else's experience of that was.
I'm currently going through counselling, and am currently separated from my husband. I've said that this time apart is for us to work on our own issues, and perhaps come back together if things change. But I'm perhaps coming round to the idea that they might not, and that I am mentally strengthening myself to get to a position where i can separate permanently from this man.
My counselling has raise a whole heap of issues from my past that have impacted on my current attitude to myself and how I behave. I had a traumatic childhood, with alcoholism, domineering and critical father, parents often drunk and at war with each other. I witnessed verbal and physical abuse from a young age. As kids we often hid, we lived in fear of my Dad coming home from work at the weekends, and hated the weekends themselves. I ended up being the shield for my younger sister, putting my mother to bed when she was drunk. I was often at the end of verbal abuse when she was drunk, and we were smacked, and later when we were older, slapped.
My counsellor has identified that I have a submissive character, putting others needs and feelings before my own, a fall out of my childhood. I also lack in self esteem, self confidence, I believe I'm intrinsically destined to be a failure. I struggle to put in boundaries to protect my own needs and feelings, because I worry they will encroach on others'.
I not realise my marriage was abusive and im worried that because of my childhood, this was inevitable. Before our daughter arrived, I was happy to go with the flow, so my husband called the shots. Since my daughter has arrived I have been more inclined to push our needs and wants. My counsellor believes this is what has sparked the issues in our relationship. Since which time my husband has become increasingly angry. Often shouting, swearing, throwing things, name calling etc. I'm beginning to see that he is also controlling and will gaslight. I ran head long into the relationship at 17 and I'm now in my 30s. Was it inevitable I would find myself in an abusive relationship, and how can I make sure I don't make the same mistakes again? Do my own character flaws mean I will attract abusive men? And will they mean I just screw up any other relationship I try to have.
Sorry for the long post but my mind is a mess and I would love some one else's perspective.
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Relationships
Abusive childhood, abusive marriage, was it inevitable?
JustBeingMoi · 22/06/2020 15:05
My father was controlling and abusive. My situation was a bit different as I didn't live with him as a child, so I wasn't as immersed in his behaviour, and in my 20s I learned some family secrets that led to cutting contact entirely. That was helpful, as I could see in real terms the contrast between being in and out of that relationship.
I've been in a happy, healthy relationship for 15yrs. Dh is well-balanced and had a happy, normal childhood, which is funny because I thought I was somehow 'destined' to identify with and be close to people with similarly painful backgrounds.
I think at 17 it's not unusual to be vulnerable to abuse and manipulation, even without a troubled background. Give yourself credit for learning and growing as an adult, you've made healthy choices and should benefit from that hard work 
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