Partner sexted his friend

[Watermelon24]

I have been with my partner for eight years and we have a three year old together. My sex drive hasn't been the same since I had a baby but in every other way we had a good relationship. The sex wasn't gone completely but I knew it was an issue for us.

My partner had a female friend who also has a child and he occasionally went over to her house with our son for play-dates. After the last time they saw each other they had a text conversation which was a bit flirty. He said at that point he just enjoyed a bit of attention but didn't think it would go any further. Then a week or so later, she text him coming onto him late at night and they sent each other pictures. The next day, he messaged her telling her that they couldn't be friends anymore and he confessed to me a month later out of pure guilt. I never would have suspected a thing and I do believe his version of events, because he confessed to me and I also know they haven't seen each other in person since the texting started.

He is claiming that he felt really insecure about our sex life and that he was able to do this because it made him feel good that someone wanted him sexually. He wants me back but I have kicked him out for now and we are co-parenting for our son. I just can't believe it and I can’t help but worry that he had feelings for his friend, even though he says it was never about her. I have a huge decision to make and I don't want a broken family for my son but I also don't know if I can cope with this. We could have had a discussion about our sex life without having to go through this! He says he will wait for as long as it takes and is trying to work on himself through counselling but I don’t know what to do.

I'd really appreciate any advice from people who have gone through anything similar. Thanks.

[JustC]

First hugs, and well done for telling him tonmove out before you even begin to sort things out.
The only teeny tiny redeeming thing is that at least he came clean about it. But who knows if it's the whole truth. From what I've seen on here, more and more crap comes out as you dig deeper.
Give yourself time, maybe try and find out more somehow.

[AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit]

It would be the end for me sorry, but I know it's easier said than done if you're tied up in a baby and a mortgage.

[Lozzerbmc]

Sorry you’re going through this. He shouldnt have done this of course but he did tell you and he probably could have got away with not. Has he ever given you any reasons before to not trust him? Give it time to see how you feel about the future. Im not condoning what he did, trust is everything, but take time to think it through.

[Watermelon24]

Thank-you for your replies. I obviously don't know all the details of the text conversations and I don't want to know the disgusting things they said, but I don't believe it went further than text messages and I don't believe there was more than one conversation that included pictures. Nothing like this has ever happened in our relationship before which is why it's such a shock. I always thought that anything like this would be the end for me too. But I just don't know if it would be a big mistake to give up when we have a child together and he wants to work on things.

[JustC]

OP I get it, it's all far mire difficilt after children and joint property is involved. Even harder if marriage was otherwise ok except for dininished/lack of sex. I do get that he was not happy about it, but he should have talked to you about it, given your relationshi a chance to work on it. Maybe he was feeling you were burying your head in the sand abiut it and he didn't want to rock the boat. If you are completely sure that is the extent of what he did, and you feel the marriage is otherwise worth it, give it some time for him to sort himself out, yor you to think if you could get over it. Keep some discussion channels open without giving him hope. I do think there is a tiny bit of merit in him immediately texting her to stop this and in coming clean to you. But, thats just me, only you lnow what is good enough for you.

[Watermelon24]

Thankyou @JustC. I thought he understood that our sex drives were just mismatched and that I loved him and all was fine but he apparently felt really worried about it. You are right though I need time and can't really make a decision at the moment.

We aren't actually married, although he is telling me he wants to marry me now. And we rent our home so I'm not tied to him in any way other than our son. But obviously my son is a huge factor in all of this, he is already having more tantrums etc... I just feel so angry because he has been so disgusting and his actions have hurt me and also affected our child.

[JustC]

Oh, it's good you are not tied to him house wise. Throwing marriage in the mix now is a desperate move on his part, and a very bad idea for a long time even if you manage to sort this out. It will take you quite a while to fully trust again, even if you guys somehow manage fix this.
I would add to mever assume in a relationship, but honestly communicate what eachother's expectations are, if you manage to move past ghis, or find yourself in a dif relationship at some point.

[Sugartitss]

I don’t condone what he’s done but I can completely understand it. When the person you love won’t do anything to getting your sex life back on track it’s a bit of a head fuck.

Not saying you’re responsible at all here but until you’re in this position it can seem so black and white.

I would talk to him, have a bit of a heart to heart. You’re not responsible for his actions but you do have some responsibility here.

Now here comes the pile on.

[user1481840227]

This is probably one of the only sexting threads on here where I would some relationships could probably recover from it!

However it really depends on how you would handle it. I would personally have to end it. I could forgive but not forget....and I know personally the not forgetting would mean that I was constantly worried he had feelings for her, would feel jealous, paranoid and so hurt and it wouldn't be worth it for me because I would feel like all good moments were tainted. Now that might seem like an extreme reaction given the context but we all react differently to this kind of thing.

[Crystalspider]

I would normally say ditch him but as he confessed out of guilt without you suspecting him, then that shows he knows what he did was wrong, out of sexual desperation. If you could work on your sex life to get it back, maybe he's worth another chance but the choice is yours, do you still fancy him?

[thebear1]

I would wonder if he confessed out of guilt or because the fear of getting caught was to much. I am not sure I could overcome it, I think I would wonder everytime I had an early night was he downstairs sending a pic to someone. But if you think you can work on it and gain trust with time the it's worth a shot.

[OhYeahYouSuck]

I think he deserves a chance if you love him and want to make it work. He felt guilty, was honest and has cut her out. He's done everything right afterwards.

I also think counselling and some frank discussions about your sex life are needed. You can't expect to not address any issues and the partner just accepting this. These things become huge issues and lead to affairs/relationship breakdowns. Speaking from personal experiences.

[OhYeahYouSuck]

@Sugartitss

I don’t condone what he’s done but I can completely understand it. When the person you love won’t do anything to getting your sex life back on track it’s a bit of a head fuck.

Not saying you’re responsible at all here but until you’re in this position it can seem so black and white.

I would talk to him, have a bit of a heart to heart. You’re not responsible for his actions but you do have some responsibility here.

Now here comes the pile on.

I agree with you.

[Watermelon24]

Don't worry, I wouldn't get married anytime soon!

@Sugartitss I think if I could believe this was the only reason behind it I could try to forgive and forget, but it's so hard because he did this with a friend. And that could potentially drive me crazy every day as someone else said.

I do love him and find him attractive, but I was never the one to instigate sex and sometimes said yes and sometimes said no but it never seemed like my choice to start things and would happily go without it so I can understand how that would make him insecure. Even if we went a month or two without it, whenever it happened it was good so I didn't realise at the time he would be worried about it to that extent.

I don't think I would worry about him doing it again to be honest (maybe I'm stupid), but I just have less trust overall in our relationship because he has broken my trust. And yes I do think it's possible that he told me for fear of being caught out, although she also has a boyfriend and probably wouldn't want him to know so I don't think she would have told me. It's just all a massive head-fuck.

[Confusedismyname]

@Sugartitss

I don’t condone what he’s done but I can completely understand it. When the person you love won’t do anything to getting your sex life back on track it’s a bit of a head fuck.

Not saying you’re responsible at all here but until you’re in this position it can seem so black and white.

I would talk to him, have a bit of a heart to heart. You’re not responsible for his actions but you do have some responsibility here.

Now here comes the pile on.

⬆️ This

[Plumplumbadum]

Look if you're really not that fussed about sex, and you don't seem to be then maybe you are better off letting him go. He, like most people want a regular sex life with the person they love. You don't seem to have given much thought or consideration to his needs, as your own were being met.
I'm not saying what he did was right, but I can fully understand it to be quite honest.

[BigusBumus]

I agree with @Sugartitss and @plumplumbadum...

He loves you, wants to make love to you but you push him away.

Another female gave him flirtation and made him feel attractive and wanted. He used words (not his body) to respond to that, then stopped it as he felt terrible for betraying you and, the one he loves, but who pushes him away.

And you've kicked him out. Poor guy.

If yu don't want sex AT ALL, get out of your relationship and give him a chance of a normal loving adult relationship with someone else.

Or, if you do want to try, perhaps go to a sex therapist together.

Or maybe just try and have sex sometimes? The thought of doing it is often far worse than actually doing it. You might actually have a good time and your relationship might be able to get back on track.

[Mummadeeze]

I would forgive him and keep my family together personally. People are flawed and make mistakes and feeling unwanted can lead to this kind of situation. I don’t think this situation is worth destroying your family unit over and it sounds like he loves you and is sorry. I do understand why you are upset though.

[Fiveasidefootballfamily]

I’m sorry but this is bullshit! She’s had a baby which can affect your libido. If he was that concerned about wanting to get his leg over, he should have done the decent thing and talked to her about it. You lot are almost accusing her of bringing this on herself. Ultimately, things change within a relationship and if you love each other, you discuss this, you don’t cheat! And not just one text! Funny how he didn’t realise the error of his ways after the initial flirting.

How can you ever forget this? He conned you into thinking he was seeing a friend and did the dirty with her right under your nose. How do you trust him with female friends/colleagues etc after this?

They’re not just a couple, they’re a family and he has done this to his partner AND his son! How can you say he wanted to make love to her? Someone that is willing to cheat in such an underhanded way, isn’t wanting to make love to her. He wants to fuck because his own selfish needs are more important than anything else. I couldn’t imagine feeling love for him ever again after this.

[vikingwife]

Shit I must say feel for this bloke....there was an admitted sex issue which sounds like while acknowledged wasn’t being worked on to improve together, he steps out of the marriage (not proven physical yet), confesses to his partner & has cut off the friend.

It appears nothing will appease Mumsnet

OP for what it’s worth I think he does sound genuinely sorry - unless you have reason to believe he only confessed due to being blackmailed in some way, then I would be prone to give him another chance.

[Fiveasidefootballfamily]

@BigusBumus And you’ve kicked him out. Poor guy!

Seriously? You think he’s the poor guy? It sounds like you’re saying she should have felt awful for causing this herself and be willing to lay back and think of England, forgetting what he’s just done. You may want to do this for your partner if he cheated on you but that is being a doormat.

This lady hasn’t said they NEVER have sex, it’s just infrequent like in lots of relationships after having kids. Sexting a friend and breaking that trust, isn’t the way to rekindle anything. He’s a selfish pig.

Love can be expressed in lots of ways and I’ve read nothing that suggests she hasn’t been a good partner and hasn’t shown him love. It’s funny how the lack of sex isn’t that serious to talk about before they cheat but is then the cause of all of this. That to me sounds like an excuse and someone that makes one excuse for cheating, will find another. I’m sorry I did this BUT....

[Watermelon24]

I never said it never happened at all.

[Sugartitss]

You will only know the reasons if you both have an open honest discussion.

I say it’s a head fuck because I’m in the same position as your boyfriend. Honestly, it’s so hard to understand why your partner won’t have sex with you, well it is for me anyway. It leaves you feeling so unwanted, so unattractive m, you just wonder what the hell happened to your sex life.

I’ve just told my boyfriend about this thread and said why dont we have sex anymore like we used to and we’ve had a little chat.

I hope you get this sorted op, I think I’d be letting him come home.

[Arrivederla]

Oh my God - the poor, poor, poor guy.

He didn't get as much sex as he wanted so he thought he was justified in sending disgusting (as op has said) texts to a friend. He could have tried to discuss it with the op but it was easier to just go ahead like an over-sexed teenager....

And of course it's all the ops fault for not having sex even when she didn't want it. Serves her right, doesn't it?

Ffs.

[LittleWing80]

I would normally say ditch him but as he confessed out of guilt without you suspecting him,

Once you forgive him, he will know he can get away with it and will feel a lot less guilty next time.
OP you have no way of knowing if this was the first time or what actually happened.
From what you are describing, you were not aware he had such an issue. Did he bring up before?
If you take him back (talking from experience), you will always be looking over your shoulder 💐