Feel like no one ever respects me

[pinkfishes]

As the title suggests...

Family, friends, acquaintances, customers.

I heard what someone had said about me today and it's really upset me.

I became executor to my brothers estate last year after nursing him single handedly through a short illness. I now run his business which I knew nothing about until he got ill. I think I've done an ok job so far.

One of my clients has apparently said that I don't have enough confidence to run the business. I would think this is because this client is a sweary, loud sort of person and I'm a do things the correct, legal way sort of person and I'm quiet about it too.

My brother was the only family I had apart from my paranoid schizophrenic mother who gleefully told me this information this morning.

I find this comes up again and again in my life. People think I'm weak and I'm left out of things because I'm quiet but I've put up with a lot of grief in my life and stood on my own two feet since a very young age, I've never gone off the rails but I've been walked over time and time again in every type of relationship. I've had lots of counselling, read lots of books, been to assertiveness classes.... but I always end up in a situation where I am left feeling "not good enough" by someone and it really, really upsets me. Too much, I know.

I have no idea how to break the cycle or how to grow a thicker skin!

[1235kbm]

Your thinking is very black and white OP. Seriously, no one likes or respect you - no one - do you think that's true?

I'm sorry to hear about your mum that must be very difficult to deal with. I'm also sorry to hear about your brother.

It sounds like you're doing a really good job under difficult circumstances. I think you might find CBT helpful. This is where you actively challenge that black and white/catastrophic thinking.

Perhaps get a notebook and write down what you've achieved so far. Then put down what you're grateful for which could be anything. Try MoodGym to start with.

There's also a good app for your phone called Headspace which you might also find helpful. It has short guided medications that you can do to try and work on these difficult feelings.

[StormBaby]

I imagine you are looking at this all wrong, people say things like that to rattle you, to undermine you, because they are threatened by you. You are probably more than capable and they know it.

[NoMoreDickheads]

It can be hard to stop giving as much of a shit. I've only just started hopefully managing it at 43. If someone doesn't treat me well I just cut them out completely rather than trying to change their mind about me. It actually boosts your self esteem to do this, as you're affirming to yourself that you are worth treating well.

TBH I also started to think that people in general have hurt me enough, and so I'm deprioritising how much I try and make new friends etc. I'm going to go along to activities just because I enjoy them rather than to get very involved with people. If I do make friends then it's a bonus, but I'm not going to have a massive amount to do with them and will be cautious, because I have autistic traits and tend to fuck up socially. Having less to do with people will probably win me more friends.

I've found that messenger/text makes it easier to be assertive if you find it hard face to face. At worst/best, you can do it by just blocking people if they've been crap.

A separate issue is people don't see me as authoritative and I've had to accept that. There are other skills and talents though, and it seems you're doing ok with the business- just because one btch btched about you doesn't mean you aren't doing well.

I'm a do things the correct, legal way sort of person

So you can see that you have your own positive qualities and skills. That's great. xx

How much do you have to carry on being involved with this person? I would find a way of no longer working for her anymore, or at least having very little to do with her. You could either invent an excuse or be direct, depending on what the consequences might be for the business.

You could also have less to do with your mum, as she deliberately said something she knew would upset you there. Go no contact or as little contact as possible. Crap people aren't worth having around just for the sake of having numbers of people in your life. I had 2 friends I see regularly and I got rid of one because he was manipulative and nasty. Best thing I ever did.
--
EMDR therapy can help with traumatic incidents and their knock on effect.

[Artandlove]

It sounds like you are a kind person who goes out of your way for other people in your life. Maybe they are taking you for granted and you are there for too much for them that they don’t appreciate your time?

That’s really strange your Mum would try to upset you. Is she a jealous person?

[pinkfishes]

My mother is a paranoid schizophrenic so she is obsessed by what everyone says or does. She thinks everyone is out to get her, including me, so will say hurtful things. She's been in prison for trying to murder lots of my family members. She's been sectioned for most of my life but lives in the community and turns up at my work everyday and talks to all my customers. There is nothing I can do about that. Various injunctions in the past have just been ignored and ultimately I am the only member of her family now. She's incapable of having friends. She's sick but ultimately very difficult to be around.not her fault.

[StrictlyAFemaleFemale]

I doubt anyone said that to your mum tbh. I think she just wanted to rattle you. Even if it were true he hasnt taken his custom elsewhere has he?

[pinkfishes]

I don't want to out myself but it's not the sort of business you jump in and out of. They've been clients for 5 years and are at the business twice a day as is expected. People have said similar about me in work situations in the past so I suspect it's probably true. My mother was also complaining how much this woman screams and swears at her kids (I've heard this too, so know this is true).

[pinkfishes]

I think I just try and be nice to everyone and that's why it upsets me when people are not nice in return. My grandmother brought me up and was lovely and kind. My mother has just always hated everyone (not her fault) and maybe it just brings all that up for me?

[theredhen1]

I know your mother is ill but maybe try and find a way to restrict your contact for the sake of your own mental heath.

I would also try and keep things in perspective. Look at all the things you do well. A loud person who probably doesn't have a clue how to run a business is probably the last person you should take heed from.

Listen to people who lift you up and learn from them. Try to hold on to this thought to not focus on the negative people.

[needhandhold]

I know it’s hard but you need a thicker skin. Running a business will bring you into contact with all sorts of people. Do you actually want to run the business? You don’t have to! Is this something you want?

[Bluemoooon]

Your mother's nasty to you and " this client is a sweary, loud sort of person" - your problem is caring what this pair think of you, just get on with it you're doing fine.

[AnneofbigCleevesage]

Hi Op,i think you are doing a great job. Your post struck a chord with me. My mum has mental health issues,not as significant as your mum but enough for me to to try to have her sectioned over the years. In any event she has always been unpleasant , said unkind things, unable to cope ,not available, yadda yadda! My dad had his own issues, couldn't cope with mum, left to my own devices, usual story. My point is that no matter how far i remove myself from that, read, research, talk, explore and understand what happened to me,i still don't ever feel quite good enough. I always feel i get it wrong ( i don't) but i never seem to get it right. I always feel people don't quite like me enough, let me down all the time ( they do) i am quite capable enough
and have acheived a lot of which i am proud but the slighest critisism/ failure sends me tumbling and i am not equiiped to deal with that. I am starting to realise that all this stems from my childhood upbringing and early adult relationships which have been moulded from my childhood and were quite frankly poor. I am a fairly ripe old age now and this has started to dawn on me. After Lockdown, i am going to seek counselling and already putting a sort of fund by to pay for that.

I just lacked the basic care as a child and guidance as a young adult that a mother ( and father) should give and i know this is the root cause of my issues. All my friends had "normal" caring and emotionally involved parents and they are better equipped than me to deal with life.

I think you are doing a fantastic job and hope that you can feel great achievement. I think it no coincidence that we have similar family backgrounds and the same sense of never being quite good enough. I think you may benefit from talking to someone,moving forward.

As for the agressive customer and your mums comments i would disregard all of them. Neither of them, in my view, are qualified to offer you any criticism, comment or advice. They have no idea of the confines in which you are working and the new order in which you operate. I think you are doing a great job in difficult circumstances.

In closing i have gone NC with my mum for 18mths. It is all so much better now. You do not need to accept any of this anymore OP. Avail of any channels legal etc, you need to , to free yourself from the toxic people. Some people are also just a'holes. Nothing to do with our up bringing, they just are a'holes. You don't need to deal with them either. There are other customers OP. Build a new client base, your own client base. You are doing a great job!

[pinkfishes]

Thank you Ann for sharing that. You have summed up how I feel. I am well aware that people have opinions on me particularly within the business and I’m sure some don’t like me. Indeed I’ve had to deal with a couple of very abusive and difficult people and I felt ok about that. I wasn’t bothered about them not liking me. It’s business. But this has bothered me I think because someone has accused me of being weak and that upsets me. The other situation I was in a position of power, whereas just being criticised for no apparent reason seems to really upset me. I feel loads better today and am getting on with life.i think there are a lot of issues with my mother. I feel a huge sense of responsibility for her as she has no one else but I also don’t enjoy being around her. I then feel very guilty for feeling that. Other people don’t understand and it’s a very difficult mental state to understand, so that’s fine but well meaning people will suggest all sorts of things that I simply can’t face like spending xmas with her or even living with her. She’s vulnerable but she’s also very negative and draining at best and downright cruel at worst.