Partners hobbies ..help??

[sarahcrawley124]

Hi my partner has taken up a new hobby DJing and its making me feel pretty rubbish!!
We have a young child and he has a demanding job already. I just don't know how I feel about being in clubs etc we have been together a long time so it's quite a big change to the family dynamic. Thoughts... ??

[funnylittlefloozie]

How old is he? Did he DJ before? Are we talking pub DJ doing parties and weddings, or is he trying to be the next Norman Cook?

[qazxc]

It's a matter of how it will affect your family life.
Is he going to be too tired to get up and engage in family life on mornings after a gig?
How much is his hobby going to cost? therefore affecting the money that the family will have available.
Would you also be able to have similar time away or to yourself or is he expecting you to pick up the slack?
What will the time commitment be? not just gigs but practice, setting up, networking, promotion and travel.
All of this needs to be talked about before he starts. I work at a venue and DP is a part time musician, it's not as glamorous or exciting as it seems.

[sarahcrawley124]

@funnylittlefloozie yeah more bars and clubs and he's 35. It just gives me anxitey :( x

[sarahcrawley124]

@quazxc we have spoken a lot about this but he just gets annoyed at me and says I'm not being supportive. I'm just finding it really difficult as it's something new and no he didn't do any DJing before. But I feel like with promotion etc it takes up so much time

[sarahcrawley124]

@funnylittlefloozie

How old is he? Did he DJ before? Are we talking pub DJ doing parties and weddings, or is he trying to be the next Norman Cook?

It's a new hobby and he's 35. We've been together along time so it's all just a lot of change and gives me a lot of anxiety x

[YaWeeSkitter]

I would be perplexed if my DH took up DJing with no former interest or experience .

Also he's a bit old isn't he for that kind of commitment given he has a family and a demanding job. The only DJs I know have been doing it since teen years and have no other calls on their time so can do all nighters etc with no problems.

Has he started practicing in the garage yet or is it all pie in the sky plans for when he really starts in earnest?

[qazxc]

You're not being unsupportive, you just want to know what his new hobby would entail. That's a normal question.
Does he know anybody that does this? Or is it a bit pipe dream/ middle age crisis territory.

[sarahcrawley124]

@YaWeeSkitter

I would be perplexed if my DH took up DJing with no former interest or experience .

Also he's a bit old isn't he for that kind of commitment given he has a family and a demanding job. The only DJs I know have been doing it since teen years and have no other calls on their time so can do all nighters etc with no problems.

Has he started practicing in the garage yet or is it all pie in the sky plans for when he really starts in earnest?

I know it's just really thrown me to be honest. But I just can't have an opinion and he doesn't understand why I would even care or it upset me. Wich is so strange as he's never been like that before. We e had countless discussions and disagreements about it but it's almost like I just have to put up and shut up :(

[sarahcrawley124]

@qazxc

You're not being unsupportive, you just want to know what his new hobby would entail. That's a normal question.
Does he know anybody that does this? Or is it a bit pipe dream/ middle age crisis territory.

There are people that he knows of that do it but not friends (although they all seem to be now) I feel like there's no sign of it fizzling out but Infact become even bigger Depending on opportunities.

[YaWeeSkitter]

Ah . Hes rediscovering his lost youth.

[sarahcrawley124]

@YaWeeSkitter

Ah . Hes rediscovering his lost youth.

What would you do? Or say? I just feel at a loss as to what to do

[qazxc]

Well of course you are entitled an opinion as it is going to affect your family life and you.
TBH I'm very dubious as to how a 35yr old DJ that is starting out (presumably with no connections) is going to be able to get gigs. Or that the money spent would be anywhere near the money he made from it.
Admittedly, my stint working in a recording studio and doing house music nights offsite (Clubs, festivals) are far behind me (20 yrs) but it was time consuming, and very unglamorous. Lots of lugging gear and being stuck in sweaty DJ boxes. The crowd might be having fun/ getting drunk/ taking whatever, but it all you want is to get in, get the job done and get out.

[TimeWastingButFun]

Can you get a babysitter those nights and go with him, do it together?

[sarahcrawley124]

@qazxc

Well of course you are entitled an opinion as it is going to affect your family life and you.
TBH I'm very dubious as to how a 35yr old DJ that is starting out (presumably with no connections) is going to be able to get gigs. Or that the money spent would be anywhere near the money he made from it.
Admittedly, my stint working in a recording studio and doing house music nights offsite (Clubs, festivals) are far behind me (20 yrs) but it was time consuming, and very unglamorous. Lots of lugging gear and being stuck in sweaty DJ boxes. The crowd might be having fun/ getting drunk/ taking whatever, but it all you want is to get in, get the job done and get out.

He has had some gigs already so Iv had a taster of what it will be like and has done loads of practicing in lockdown I'm just anxious of what is to come :(

[Thingsdogetbetter]

Wtf is a hobby dj - unpaid i presume? Has he actually got any gigs, paying or otherwise. Or is just being out 'practising' with his mates? Sounds like a hobby that involves going to the pub drinking with mates a lot.

[Thingsdogetbetter]

Sorry crossed posts.

[sarahcrawley124]

@Thingsdogetbetter

Wtf is a hobby dj - unpaid i presume? Has he actually got any gigs, paying or otherwise. Or is just being out 'practising' with his mates? Sounds like a hobby that involves going to the pub drinking with mates a lot.

No he gets gigs so it's not really a hobby I suppose more of a second job but not actually getting paid! He's done it as favours almost! I think he was paid once 🙄!

[sarahcrawley124]

@TimeWastingButFun

Can you get a babysitter those nights and go with him, do it together?

Call me boring but I'm just not up for being in clubs till 3am anymore I'm sort of past that now

[SomeoneElseEntirelyNow]

@sarahcrawley124

Call me boring but I'm just not up for being in clubs till 3am anymore I'm sort of past that now

If i were you I'd just lean in and enjoy it with him. Insist on him getting paid though, that's ridiculous. I'd also tell him that you want to get an equal amount of time to yourself for your own hobbies. If you don't have one, get one.

Tbh, while it's a bit weird, i think you're overreacting quite a lot.

[jinglesticks]

Hi op,
I joined a band aged 35, which has involved playing late in bars and clubs, and I am so grateful for how supportive my dh has been. Obviously I couldn’t have done it without his support, as we have small dcs, and it has given me a lot of happiness. I try not to take the piss, no late night gigs on school nights, and only 2-3 gigs a month. He has let me go away for a couple of weekends to play at festivals, which I know is brilliant of him. He is pleased because it has clearly made me happier and more confident. So I think my point is, if you can support your dh in this, that would be a lovely thing to do. Hobbies are great things to have as an adult.

[Standrewsschool]

I’d be a bit perturbed as well. What made him suddenly do it? Is he still contributing to family life? Is he checking out of family life and wanting to be young, free and single again? How often is he doing it?

[sarahcrawley124]

[quote SomeoneElseEntirelyNow]@sarahcrawley124

Call me boring but I'm just not up for being in clubs till 3am anymore I'm sort of past that now

If i were you I'd just lean in and enjoy it with him. Insist on him getting paid though, that's ridiculous. I'd also tell him that you want to get an equal amount of time to yourself for your own hobbies. If you don't have one, get one.

Tbh, while it's a bit weird, i think you're overreacting quite a lot.[/quote]
I think saying someone is overreacting for how they feel is a little harsh but il take it on board thankyou

[SomeoneElseEntirelyNow]

...you asked for thoughts, Sarah. If it makes him happy and you can find a way to make it work for your family then it really shouldnt make you feel rubbish.

Have you had a frank, honest conversation with him? Do you have any hobbies? Are you maybe feeling like this because him discovering something he's passionate about has made you feel like that sort of thing is lacking from your life?

[sarahcrawley124]

@SomeoneElseEntirelyNow

...you asked for thoughts, Sarah. If it makes him happy and you can find a way to make it work for your family then it really shouldnt make you feel rubbish.

Have you had a frank, honest conversation with him? Do you have any hobbies? Are you maybe feeling like this because him discovering something he's passionate about has made you feel like that sort of thing is lacking from your life?

I understand that. I have had conversations yes but my feelings or concerns just get shit down. To be honest I don't feel like anything is is lacking in my life no! I don't particularly have any hobbies but I'm quite happy I love seeing friends etc and . I'm not a hobby type . Maybe it could help if I did get one x

[SomeoneElseEntirelyNow]

If i were you, I'd tell him that you want as many nights out a month as he does DJing, and get a babysitter for at least a couple of his gigs each year.

My husband is a cricketer. Every single summer Saturday (and a bunch of Sundays) he is gone from 10am til late. I basically had the option to lean in, or be by myself all weekend, so i leant in. I go almost every week, and it has been the making of our marriage.