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Long distance relationship

(18 Posts)
Gardening71 Sun 21-Jun-20 16:54:14

I’m in a long distance relationship with my partner who lives in the same country 4 hours away. We haven’t been able to see each other during lock down but are at that stage where we are wondering if it can/will progress. We are both late forties and I am independent with my home, good job and three children who are still at school, and see their dad here. My partner is also independent and lives alone. Both of us are wary of making a move and I won’t move my children from school at present. We get on incredibly well but I worry that he blows hot and cold with what he wants after his divorce ended badly.
We both think we are the right person but in the wrong location and I also think that if we were to give up we could be throwing away our chance of happiness. Whilst it would make more sense for him to move, he’s not sure. Can anyone offer any advice or are we generally doomed?

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PerfidiousAlbion Sun 21-Jun-20 17:25:31

How long have you been seeing each other?

How did you meet (were you his affair?)

How often do you see each other normally and what do you do when you meet?

Sorry for the inquisition.

stealm Sun 21-Jun-20 17:38:38

If someone has to move it should be him because you definitely shouldn't uproot your children from their schools and take them 4 hours away from their Dad and also their friends. You'd have to find a new job too.
I think it's too much of an upheaval and too much of a risk for you to do this.
If he moves be wary of him then bringing it up all the time if things go wrong. I had an ex who did this. Every time I wanted to discuss something with him - eg. him doing fuck all around the house - he'd say "I left my job and friends to move to be with you".
I think it hasn't got much future to be honest. He'd have to move and it doesn't sound like he is sure enough about the relationship.

Gardening71 Sun 21-Jun-20 17:38:39

We’ve been seeing each other just over a year, we met on holiday. He was divorced, I was separated at the time, but divorced now, so it was all above board.
We normally see each other every fortnight for a fee days at a time and just do normal things as a couple, see to the garden, cook etc.

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PerfidiousAlbion Sun 21-Jun-20 17:48:58

In that case, you've only seen each other about 24 times since you met, so its far too soon to be thinking about moving in together. I’d give it time and if, in another year, it’s developed then have the talk again. It would be a massive upheaval for you and your children to move and it would make co-parenting so much more difficult and you’d lose your support network, not to mention disrupting your children’s lives.

Gardening71 Sun 21-Jun-20 18:43:34

Oh that does actually make sense Perfiduoius, I never thought about the only seeing each other about 24 times. That’s given me food for thought, thank you!

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isthismylifenow Sun 21-Jun-20 18:52:52

I was in a ldr relationship in similar circumstances. Unfortunately it didn't work out. I have DC and wasn't willing to uproot them to move where he lives. He was happy to move in with me, but it was too soon. Similar to you we were together just over a year but only saw each other some weekends. Spending 3 weeks full time together over the holidays just confirmed it wasn't going to work out. He didn't see the point of buying or renting a property near me, he would only consider moving in with me. I didn't want that as too my divorce hadn't long come through and didnt want someone moving in so soon.

Once he realized I wasn't going to budge on that, the other cracks started to show.

I think a first relationship after a divorce is quite stressful in its own way but then adding in the mix of one of you moving etc just puts so much more pressure on.

I wish you luck with what you decide. I know it's not an easy one to make.

PerfidiousAlbion Sun 21-Jun-20 20:40:51

@Gardening71 Its easy to get a false sense of a relationship developing in a given time period when in fact youve only met a few times.

Also, its never ok for one person to so heavily bear the cost of change (and for the other not to care or compromise).

Sooooobored Sun 21-Jun-20 21:14:52

He doesn’t have children?

Parsley1234 Sun 21-Jun-20 21:26:41

LDR for 9 years I live in Gloucestershire he in Yorkshire we ended last month. My son is at boarding school and initially I thought I wd move either 3 years ago when he went away to school or this year 6th form but the closer time came I just cdnt do it - my life here is really good and I love where I live.
We used to see each other every weekend Friday to Sunday and it was great but we knew we had to make a decision well I did as his business was there and when lockdown happened I knew I couldn’t do it

Gardening71 Sun 21-Jun-20 22:10:50

Sooooobored his children are grown up and have left home

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Gardening71 Sun 21-Jun-20 22:13:08

isthismylifenow thank you

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Gardening71 Sun 21-Jun-20 22:14:47

Parsley1234 wow, 9 years? How did you maintain it for that long?

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Parsley1234 Mon 22-Jun-20 07:39:12

@Gardening71 time just went by I had a salon and like I said my son was at prep school then going to boarding at 13. What I really believe now is that there was a time when goodwill was abundant on both sides that was about yr4/5when the move would have worked but it didn’t happen so times moved on. I then found reasons I didn’t want to move - I didn’t want to live where he lived And in his house but I was open to moving within the area he wdnt countenance that he then saw how great my life was down here and felt guilty that I wouldn’t have the same life there. It was very very sad we got on brilliantly but sometimes it’s not meant to be for whatever reasons. In your case I would not be moving my children anywhere especially in with a man whose children had left home he needs to move to you too disruptive for your children

RantyAnty Mon 22-Jun-20 08:11:02

What does he do for work and would he be able to find work where you live?

Lampan Mon 22-Jun-20 08:38:52

From my experiences, long distance just doesn’t work. The trouble is for you that one of you (in this case him) would have to give up pretty much everything to move, and only after that will you know if it’s likely to work or not. It’s too much to ask, and after only a year it would be far too soon. If things don’t work out he would probably be resentful.
His blowing hot and cold is a sign. I think best to end things now before it gets even harder.

stealm Mon 22-Jun-20 09:29:52

The trouble is for you that one of you (in this case him) would have to give up pretty much everything to move, and only after that will you know if it’s likely to work or not.

I also think this becomes more difficult as we get older. A 25 year old deciding to move across the country to be with a partner is a different scenario to a 45 year old. One person has to give up an established home, friends, family, job etc and it's very risky. Look how many relationships don't work out when people move in together. Things can go wrong pretty quickly, leaving one person adrift in a new area trying to establish themselves or needing to move back where they came from and reestablish themselves there.
I'm early 40s and am definitely not looking for a new relationship at the moment (and probably never again after the last two!) but I certainly won't be uprooting myself for any man.

PinkMonkeyBird Mon 22-Jun-20 13:07:41

I also think this becomes more difficult as we get older. A 25 year old deciding to move across the country to be with a partner is a different scenario to a 45 year old. One person has to give up an established home, friends, family, job etc and it's very risky.

It really does depend on the circumstances.

I'm in a LDR of 8 months and I'm in my late 40s. I have one DC left at home and they are planning to go to Uni next year. When I left my ex I said I would be revising my life when my DC left to go to Uni with the view to moving somewhere different. I need a change. I have friends all over the UK and I'm kind of done with the area I live in. My OH has lived in his area for 20+ years, but says there is nothing to tie him there. We've discussed things hypothetically for the future and would probably settle somewhere else together.

Presently, our relationship works extremely well despite the distance and I envisage we will look at moving in at the 2 year mark and after my DC has settled at Uni.

Going back to the OP @Gardening71 I'd carry on as you are for now. Things may change and if you both feel right for each other, there will be a way to hopefully compromise in the future.

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