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I need help I have kids scared to leave my partner

(271 Posts)
lovemychildren27 Sun 21-Jun-20 09:45:08

Hi everyone just looking for some advice or someone who's been in a similar situation I have kids and have been with my partner for a long time but I'm scared of him I no this isn't right but I don't no what I can do about it please if anyone can help me out thanks

OP’s posts: |
category12 Sun 21-Jun-20 09:49:12

You can speak to Women's Aid, they will be able to help you.

It's not right that you're scared of your partner. Are you safe currently?

lovemychildren27 Sun 21-Jun-20 09:53:28

Yeah I'm safe right now but there has been times in the past where I wasn't safe I'm only just starting to look for help and need lots of help to try and sort this out I don't no how I will ever do it but just trying to get as much help as possible

OP’s posts: |
AnyFucker Sun 21-Jun-20 09:58:16

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

converseandjeans Sun 21-Jun-20 09:59:46

I think some chemists are doing something in lockdown where you can talk about domestic violence in secret do partner won't suspect (a trip to chemist isn't so easy to question) - not sure if it's domestic violence? Lots of local police forces are advertising help numbers too (on Facebook I have seen them)

Dery Sun 21-Jun-20 10:07:32

I think OP has started a new thread with fewer details to avoid being outed. That is sensible. The difficulty is that some of those details are relevant to OP’s situation but those of us who followed that thread can have them in mind in responding. We should also avoid using @ in our replies so OP receives no alerts.

Hi OP - I’m going to send you some links very shortly.

AnyFucker Sun 21-Jun-20 10:11:09

Ok.

Dery Sun 21-Jun-20 10:17:43

Here are some links which will have helpful information:

www.womensaid.org.uk/

www.met.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/daa/domestic-abuse/what-is-domestic-abuse/

travellermovement.org.uk/advocacy-support/woman-girls/domestic-violence-and-sexual-abuse-project

www.solacewomensaid.org/get-help

You will need to plan carefully. I know it is hard for you to get privacy to do this so it’s a case of grabbing the chances you do get. Do you have a friend who could make contact and collate information on your behalf? That way progress can be made even during times when you are unable to progress matters yourself.

lovemychildren27 Sun 21-Jun-20 10:29:08

Thanks everyone I've still not been able to phone women's aid yet but I am going to when I get the chance to thanks for all your replies

OP’s posts: |
lovemychildren27 Sun 21-Jun-20 10:30:00

No I haven't got any friend or anyone that can do it on my behalf

OP’s posts: |
ThickFast Sun 21-Jun-20 10:33:02

They’d need to speak to you anyway, even if someone else made the initial phone call. So you’ll need to find a time you can speak to them.

Sooooobored Sun 21-Jun-20 10:33:02

Yes I was wondering if you were the same poster as the other day. You are in quite a unique and difficult situation so you need a firm plan Unless you are in immediate danger.

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow Sun 21-Jun-20 10:34:21

Firstly OP, you are so incredibly brave for making this decision. Your children will thank you in the future, i absolutely guarantee it.

I don't know your situation, but this is what i suggest you do to start getting sorted:

1.Open a bank account, in your name only, at a DIFFERENT bank to the one your husband uses. Put all your own money in there.
2. Set up a new email address, not linked to your old one, and get all bank statements etc sent there. Don't set it up on your phone.
3. Round up all your and your children's birth certificates, passports, and any other important documents, and put them in a safe place, out of the house. Also do this with any valuables, sentimental jewelry etc you may have.
4. Speak to the local council and get on the housing list. Tell them you're fleeing a violent man and need a permanent residence ASAP
5. Find your local woman's shelter and ask them for help - they may be able to house you temporarily.
6. Alert the police that you're leaving a man you're afraid of, and get them to come by as you go, to make sure there's no violence.
7. Inform your children's schools of everything that is going on, and see if they can take them as vulnerable children while all this is going down.
8. Talk to your friends and family, tell them what's happening, and let them support you.
9. Find a solicitor and file for divorce. Let your husband take you to court for visitation, do not send the children to him unsupervised.

Good luck OP. You deserve to be happy, and safe, and you will be.

lovemychildren27 Sun 21-Jun-20 10:45:44

Thanks I do have important letters etc all in one place not done other things like new bank accounts but I could try to that this is the only step I have taken by doing a thread on mumsnet and I'm even scared doing this but i'am m great full for everyone replies thanks

OP’s posts: |
AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 21-Jun-20 10:51:07

Can you go to a Boots pharmacy?.

Victims of domestic abuse will be able to access safe spaces at Boots pharmacy consultation rooms across the country, where they can contact specialist domestic abuse services for support and advice. The scheme is in response to the desperate situation facing many victims who are isolating with perpetrators during lockdown

While in the consultation room, people will have access to:
24-hour National domestic abuse helpline: 0808 2000 247
Men’s advice line: 0808 801 032

Scotland - Domestic Abuse & Forced Marriage Helpline (freephone 24/7): 0800 027 1234

Wales - Live Fear Free Helpline (freephone 24/7): 0808 801 0800

Northern Ireland - Domestic & Sexual Abuse: 0808 802 1414

Signposting to download the free mobile app, Bright Sky, which provides support and information to anyone who may be in an abusive relationship or those concerned about someone they know.

lovemychildren27 Sun 21-Jun-20 10:54:42

Thanks I could try and get to boots not sure if I will be able to but I could try

OP’s posts: |
madroid Sun 21-Jun-20 10:59:03

OP when you are ready you can ring the police on 101 and tell them you need to leave with your children due to abuse.

You can ask them to come to the house and accompany you out of there.

Alternatively, if you are married or it's your house or a shared tenancy you can ask them to make him leave.

Either way the police will help you. Each force has a DA section that knows about this crime and has heard every excuse/counter accusation/lie going. They will take no notice of him and focus on you and your children's safety.

Get it clear in your mind, be clear about what you need to take then make that call.

Women's Aid are great at support. If you can get through, do.

Don't forget, if you feel there's an immediate danger ring 999.

madroid Sun 21-Jun-20 10:59:56

You are doing the right thing for you and your dc.

Well done you for being such a good Mum and protecting your children.

ThickFast Sun 21-Jun-20 11:06:12

That’s good about Boots. Just tell him you need to go to get more tampons or whatever if he queries it. You may also be able to do this at a GP surgery but you’d need to check. I agree with saving money but only if you can be absolutely sure he won’t find out. I wouldn’t bother with council housing until you’re safe. Until you know if he’s going to try to find you after you leave, you don’t know where is safe to live. Any refuge will help you do that. Once you’re ready to leave, you’ll have to accept a refuge space offered straight away. And just go for it. They won’t hold spaces because if you don’t want it straight away then someone else will. Where I used to work women would have to accept the place immediately. Spaces are too hard to come by to hold them for someone. So just be aware that once you’re ready to go it could all happen quite quickly. Don’t worry about telling schools you can do that once you’re safe.

lovemychildren27 Sun 21-Jun-20 11:59:44

Thanks I no what u mean to ring the police I no they can help me leave the property but it's my safety after that what the problem is I've considered so many different ways and just can't see a way I'm so worried

OP’s posts: |
ThickFast Sun 21-Jun-20 12:07:05

Unfortunately for some women, the only safe way to leave is to leave your home town behind and go somewhere new. This can be hard if you have family and friends that you’re leaning behind. But sometimes it’s not safe to move if you’re only going to move a few miles away. But you can explain this to woman’s aid when you talk to them. They’ll have come across situations like yours before.

lovemychildren27 Sun 21-Jun-20 12:21:45

Yes I was thinking that myself but it will be very hard as he has family all over the country I don't have any friends so would be leaving family but not friends I really don't no what to do but am getting as much advice and information as I can in hope that one day ther will be a chance

OP’s posts: |
SomeoneElseEntirelyNow Sun 21-Jun-20 16:04:08

Could you get a non-mol or restraining order against him OP?

lovemychildren27 Sun 21-Jun-20 17:07:05

No I don't think that would make much difference I don't think any order or anything of that sort of thing would help me in my situation but thanks will definitely be trying women's aid see what more advise they might have for me

OP’s posts: |
SomeoneElseEntirelyNow Sun 21-Jun-20 17:15:25

The thing is OP, once the order is in place, the police can arrest him if he breaks it. So though it may not stop him in the first place, it could protect you further down the line. It's definitely worth asking about, surely?

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