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I need some words...

(19 Posts)
Luby34 Sun 21-Jun-20 08:11:57

Hello,

19 years ago, when I was 17, I had a boyfriend for a short period of time, I'm talking only 2 months or so. 2 months because my parents made me dump him because they didn't want me to have sex - I was their little girl, they wanted me to stay a virgin, not get pregnant and go to university. They made me dump him by text message. And you know what, until this day it has completely haunted me, broken my heart and I really, really can not get over it. I have had boyfriends since, i have a lot of male friends but I just simply cannot fall in love.
The boyfriend I had has not spoken to me pretty much since, but for 7 or 8 years afterwards when i saw him at the gym or on nights out, he used to stop and stare at me, he called my mums home number at 2am one night, probably drunk, but he left a voicemail telling me that he fancied me and wanted to get together but he could never tell me to my face... maybe fear of getting hurt, I really don't know. I have been away for 9 years and have been busy living my life, but now I'm back in my home town I can't stop thinking about it, even though I want to!
He is happily married now, and has 2 children. But I really need to get this off my chest so that I, personally, can get on with my life and not feel like I disrespected him by dumping him via text message and that I genuinely did nothing wrong - secretly we liked each other fof years but in this world most ex's don't speak do they (silly really) - seriously, its eating away at me day in day out. I have been told to message him, explaining what happened but also I shall congratulate him on his family and wish him well, I'm a very kind person with a big heart and I get a lot of compliments for my personality. Do you guys think this is the right thing to do? I'm not expecting him to reply, but as long as he knows what happened, it'll make me feel better.
Another point, is that I was also friends with one of his friends for years, or let's say someone he knows, and this person liked me but I didn't want to do anything with this person because I didn't want to disrespect my ex. You don't go with your ex's friends. This person I think told my ex that he went with me, because I think he was jealous that I liked my ex and not him. This is totally not ok.
What do I do?! And what words do I use? I just want to get on with my life without it bothering me. I'm not a home wrecker, I don't want to take him away from his family. I just want it known, it's making me feel so down, I cried at work yesterday!
Thanks

OP’s posts: |
Sooooobored Sun 21-Jun-20 08:15:35

19 years ago? Did I read that right? A two month relationship?

What’s your situation now? Married? Children?

Nooo leave it now. It’s not fair on him to contact when he is married with children and getting on with his life.

I’m not sure why you are still crying about it but have you talked about it in counselling?

Sooooobored Sun 21-Jun-20 08:16:43

I will say there have been several threads about people thinking back to previous relationships when they were young. Maybe it’s lockdown making us reflect on our lives and pasts more than usual.

sunnydays78 Sun 21-Jun-20 08:20:17

I think you need to speak to someone else about this not him. It’s been a very long time he has moved on who’s life. I think it would be very unfair on him.
You’re looking at this thinking, was he the one and if missed my chance. Chances are he wasn’t, you need to leave this in the past and move on.

PurBal Sun 21-Jun-20 08:26:39

Don't message him. Write a letter if you want, but don't send it. You are two very different people now.

I had a traumatic break up 8 years ago (it's complicated but I had to leave the city we were in when we broke up so I lost him, my home, my job and my friends). I still dream about him, he still "bothers" me. I never got closure. About 2 years post break up I tried to reconnect and it didn't work. Basically within 6 months of our break up he got a girlfriend pregnant. He was telling me he'd come to a family funeral with me and told me a week before that he couldn't because his pregnant girlfriend didn't like it (fair enough). They got married just before DC1 was born and they now have 2 children (the first child was named the name he and I had chosen as we were starting TTC when we broke up, bizarre). Only found this out through a friend but she knows not to update me now.

Anyway... my point is he is not the man I fell in love with. He left a long time ago. The man I loved doesn't exist and he doesn't exist for you either. I'm married now but sometimes the pain seeps through. We are a product of our experiences and that's ok. But leave him to get on with his life.

Luby34 Sun 21-Jun-20 08:51:29

Thanks. I can understand and I genuinely do want him to get on with his life - but I want to too. He just played with me for years, even when he met his now wife he was looking at me when he was standing with her and trying to make me jealous. I just never feel like he had the balls to talk to me, or was just scared of rejection again.

I feel sad that the fact my, successful parents, have now caused me to have these heart breaking issues, that's made me feel hurt.

I know if I see my ex, and no doubt I will in my small town, he will look at me the way he used to.

Sad how life pans out for you because of other people.

OP’s posts: |
Luby34 Sun 21-Jun-20 08:52:37

And yes, I said 2 months but deep down for both of us, it was about 10 years... that's when Ieft town and moved away.

OP’s posts: |
DianaT1969 Sun 21-Jun-20 09:02:52

Do you have any issues with your parents at the moment?
You rejected him by ending it. He probably knew your parents didn't approve and guessed they were influencing you. He might not have been rejected often bby women, which makes you an unresolved challenge for him. Hence the staring. Don't we all have someone who dumped us? We don't expect apologies or reasons 17 years later.
Drop this and concentrate on building your own happy life. While you give this headspace you are avoiding current issues and not living in the present.

ToastyCrumpet Sun 21-Jun-20 09:21:04

You can’t know that he felt the way you you say. You’re projecting your feelings on to him. The best thing you can do is get counselling.

sunnydays78 Sun 21-Jun-20 09:22:40

If he wanted to be in contact with you he would have. I think you’re making this out to be something it wasn’t. I think you might make yourself out to be a fool if you get in touch

BurtsBeesKnees Sun 21-Jun-20 09:23:47

He's married with kids. Leave well alone

Wer2Next Sun 21-Jun-20 09:28:27

Seriously, let it go. Leave him be. 'looking or staring at you' could mean a 100 things, you chose your on interpretation of it.

LondonCrone Sun 21-Jun-20 09:30:57

I also think there’s a huge amount of projection going on here, and that counselling is a good shout. All of that stuff about him looking at you? I would wager you’re obsessing over it and making it into a bigger deal than it is (no judgement, I do this constantly — don’t get me started on Instagram story views!) or, if it is true, he’s a jackass. Staring at you when I’m his wife is there? Trying to make you jealous? It may feel romantic to you, but actually it’s cruel, cowardly and disrespectful to the both of you.

nolovelost Sun 21-Jun-20 09:40:13

At such a young age, that relationship had a high chance of not working out anyway. Leave him to get on with his life and you get on with yours.

LemonTT Sun 21-Jun-20 10:55:12

With all due respect you sound like trouble with a capital T for this man, his wife and his family. As well as all the people around you and him.

IF he still has a half baked infatuation for you, it’s his issue to deal with. That’s a big if, because most people don’t harbour such ridiculous notions for 17 years. Finding out that someone does think the way you do would probably scare the bejesus out of most people, and at least give you an almighty ick.

And I’m not really buying the idea that the influence your parents might have had at 17 extended for the next 7 years.

Ceriane Sun 21-Jun-20 11:39:55

I think it’s the lockdown. I keep going over and thinking about past boyfriends and what might have been etc etc, not to the point of chasing after them though. I’ve just put it down to the affect the lockdown is having on me, as it’s making me evaluate my life and I’ll probably get over it and move on when we’re back to normal.

Luby34 Sun 21-Jun-20 13:00:38

Ok thanks. My intention is to not get involved. I dont want that, like I said I'm a nice person and not a home wrecker. I just wanted to get a certain point off my chest. I guess I just live with it.

OP’s posts: |
Onemansoapopera Sun 21-Jun-20 13:06:00

Are you after him OP? Because that would be the only reason to intrude on his life now. And it would be an intrusion. He had 10 years to get with you and he actually didn't.

dontgobaconmyheart Sun 21-Jun-20 14:23:05

Absolutely no reason to contact him OP. He doesn't need to hear from you, it isn't a big enough issue to seek contact over. Who hasn't been dumped by text as a teenager. I don't think it is aa life changing for him aa it is for you because you have so many emotions surrounding it and regret and parental problems.

In the nicest possible way it was a couple of months nearly 20 years ago, it may be absolutely nothing to him. You're looking for whatever validation or closure you need from him when you should look to yourself. Speak to a therapist if you struggle to shake things off, it can be very helpful to understand why we cling to things and put meaning on them. It sounds like not moving and the input of your parents on past events is negatively impacting your own life so many years later, which is a real shame.

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