Dating a seperated man with three kids

[SadSausage44]

Hi, mumsnet help needed.
I've been dating a lovely man now for 8 months. He is separated from his wife (was for 18 months before I met him) he has 3 children and has them 50/50 with his ex.
I'm having a red flag moment because, he won't tell his ex that he is seeing me. I asked him just before lockdown if he was going to tell her and he said he wanted to know if we were 100% and in it for the long run before he told her.
I understand that telling the children is a huge massive deal, however, I think his ex should know about me.
How long did it take for your oh to tell their ex partners they were seeing someone else and how long did it take to tell the children?
Btw I am mid 40s with a grown up daughter and he knows that I would be happy to meet his kids whenever he's ready and when he thinks they would be.
I just feel his ex should know he's dating me.

[Bananasplitlady]

Why?

[user1481840227]

There's no reason at all for her to know yet. Are you insecure in the relationship?

The best time to tell her is a while before he plans to introduce you to his kids, that just gives her the heads up and lets her get used to the idea of another woman being around her kids.

[SadSausage44]

No I'm not insecure at all, they co parent very well I'm just starting to feel like the mistress, im hidden from everything and everyone in his life.

[SandyY2K]

It's not really her business whether he's in a relationship or not.

Is his Ex seeing anyone?

[SadSausage44]

It's a strange situation. I have told close friends and family about him and he's met my close friends, I've met one friend of his, a girl.I think it's only fair for his ex to know he's dating. sorry I should have said, they are separated with no plans to divorce.
Wtf am I doing.

[Dugup]

I think it would be strange if his friends, parents and siblings didn't know about you but his ex and children don't really have to know yet.

[Dugup]

Why don't they have plans to divorce?

[SadSausage44]

Money, cost, apparently.

[AllsortsofAwkward]

Are you in they arent separated up and you're the ow?

[RantyAnty]

What have you done for holidays and birthdays? Do you spend them together?

[backseatcookers]

What do you think OP?

Because that's all that matters really.

I wouldn't continue to date him if I was you, but what do you think?

[Ihgnelotto]

Separated with no plans to divorce would be a big red flag if for me, how do you make long term plans together on that basis?

When you say hidden, do you mean that you have to be careful where you go in case you bump into anyone he knows or her friends/family?

[sunnydays78]

My issue wouldn’t be with his ex knowing it would be because I was being hidden away from everyone in his life.
Is he wary about going out places with you and being seen?

[frugifanatic]

Why on earth would he yell his ex he's been dating someone else?

What exactly do you want her to say or do?

[MojoJojo71]

Normally I’d say the ex doesn’t need to be told until there are plans for you to meet the children. However, as she is his WIFE and he has no plans to change that I guess it is still her business. I wouldn’t date a married man with no plans to divorce, for me that’s a huge red flag.

[eatsleepread]

It's none of your business when he chooses to tell her.

[InfiniteSheldon]

Separated means still involved.

[BillieEilish]

I don't consider her an 'ex' at all. They are married, have no plans to divorce and are raising DC's together (well, you say) their families and friends know each other etc, so they just don't live together, that's all.

I'm sorry OP but I don't think it sounds like an 'ex' at all. Not having sex or living together is not making her an 'ex'. Their lives are intertwined. They are married.

[LorenzoVonMatterhorn]

Id be concerned with the secrecy. Actively keeping you a secret id say was an issue.

No plans to divorce yet or ever? Whats their time scale?

[BillieEilish]

IMO his wife will insist on divorce if it gets to introducing another person to his DC's stage.

Presumably a re marriage. 8 months is not long anyway.

He doesn't want this. He just wants a GF. No problems. Not a divorce, new blended families, new marriage etc... last thing he wants.

[Newlife197]

Hi OP

Just playing devils advocate I have been in the exact situation to you but it was the other way round. I met his kids but I kept us a secret. The way I saw it was that we had no intentions to move in together and join lives and telling my ex and kids I was seeing someone would have hurt them all and made my divorce more complicated. It wasn’t anything to do with still being involved with my husband just that I didn’t want to muddy the waters. He said he wanted a future with me and we had holidays booked for 2021 so i was still committed to us long term. As it happens 8 months down the line he ended things out of the blue as his feelings changed and I’m glad I hadn’t introduced him to my children. So it may be that he just needs more time to be sure of your relationship before the next step which is showing them all he has moved on.

[litterbird]

He is being incredibly sensible. He is still married and has financial and emotional ties still with his wife. He is keeping you at bay so not to rock the boat with his wife. They have no plans to divorce so you will probably continue to be a secret for sometime more or when the wife chooses to move on with someone else and wants a divorce. He is biding his time and sees you as a lovely person to have around to hand hold through this process. He doesn't want commitment right now. He doesn't have to tell his wife about you or anyone if he feels it isn't the correct thing to do. Your choice now is....can I accept this? Is it making me feel resentful? Can I stay with a married man who has no intention of getting divorced?. Dating a separated man is fraught with problems and many 'experts' in relationships suggest to only date a man who is 1 year post divorce as men who are separated might not really know what they want until the ink has dried on the divorce papers. If you can hack it, stay, but the status quo won't change for you anytime soon.

[Windmillwhirl]

I'd be concerned he is keeping his options open and that's why he hasn't mentioned you. No need for the kids to know yet but not telling her would be a red flag. Also the fact you have only met one friend would have me questioning his intentions.

However, as said, it's how you feel that matters.

[Festivalgirl83]

My DP told his ex wife after we had been seeing each other a month but he is incredibly open and had told her of other people he had been seeing before me.
I didnt tell my ex until 5 months in as I had my met my DP incredibly quickly (two months) after we had split and I felt guilty in a way even though he had ended it and had affairs during our marriage. I agree he needs to be sure but at 8 months I think he would know

[Newlife197]

@litterbird it’s interesting what you have said. My relationship with a separated man went wrong when he received his divorce papers (even though he instigated it). He also made a comment that he thought he wanted a relationship and now he doesn’t know if he does. So that appears to make perfect sense given the experience I have had.