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New relationship after divorce - I’m scared!

(6 Posts)
NotAProperGrownUp Sat 20-Jun-20 22:02:38

Quick backstory- married for over 10 years, i truly thought happily. 2 dcs. ExH admitted to an 18 month affair and left on the same day. Horrors ensued.
Fast forward 2 years and I’ve bought a house and got an awesome job; bit of a nightmare juggling childcare but we’re co-parenting like pros.
I did some casual OLD a year ago (mostly to prove that all men are knobs - I know, not healthy in hindsight). Inadvertently met someone I genuinely love. But I’m terrified. All the time. I love being with him, get on well with the family members I’ve met, he gets on with my dc (who are beyond wonderful).
All good on the face of it. But I’m so scared of relaxing into this and being hurt again.
I’ve been really clear that I need my own home with my kids and am financially independent. I work hard and enjoy it. I genuinely love being with him, but it makes me so sad when I/he leaves. I’m lonely and although I am very independent, I feel so lonely when my kids are with their dad and I’m alone. I also don’t want to invite him into our lives on a permanent basis For a long time if ever. I’m so conflicted!
I don’t really know what I’m asking - mostly for someone to tell me they get it!

OP’s posts: |
FaceOfASpink Sat 20-Jun-20 22:05:19

I get it.
It's the damage that being cheated on does to your ability to trust. I definitely will never be the same again.
I'm sorry but I have no answers.

NotAProperGrownUp Sat 20-Jun-20 22:14:03

@FaceOfASpink thank you. I need to know it’s normal even if it’s horrible.
I know objectively that I can’t project my fears like this but I’m freaking out. I’ve started having nightmares in the last few weeks. How do I explain it without being massively offensive to new DP (for want of better description), who has been utterly wonderful?!

OP’s posts: |
FaceOfASpink Sat 20-Jun-20 22:22:16

I don't think I'm the best one to advise you as I haven't been brave enough to start dating yet (divorced in February). I'm damned sure I won't let it beat me though. I won't ever trust 100% again but I know I won't give second chances or put up with shit. Maybe decide what your deal breakers are and be straight with him about them. Lies would be the biggie for me. Tell him about the cheating and what your boundaries are. If he's a keeper he'll either understand and respect them or he'll have an open discussion with you. If he's not happy then it's best to know now before it gets more serious.

NotAProperGrownUp Sat 20-Jun-20 22:26:34

I’m sorry you’re struggling too. I’ve been really straightforward and he understands, but I can’t help but be scared even though I trust him. I suppose I’m just not ready or whatever, but I’m so fed up with loneliness.
You’re in the early stages - despite my moans here, I promise it gets better. Not sure it ever heals completely, but am hopeful! Thank you for replying x

OP’s posts: |
FaceOfASpink Sat 20-Jun-20 22:58:05

Good luck. I hope things work out for yousmile

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